Worst day yet

Kittyann

Registered User
Jun 19, 2013
53
Hi everyone. I'm posting because I'm awake and very very sad and, I don't know, need to connect with people who may understand.

I'm a single woman and only child and I brought my Mum to live with me to care for her. We've had our ups and downs over the past few years as the illness has worsened and now we're at the stage where I've got carers coming in the morning and evening to help me with getting her washed and dressed and undressed for bed etc. That still leaves 22 hours a day where I'm the only carer. I have great friends and a small but supportive extended family so I do manage to get out for breaks. But even that is becoming harder as Mum's anxiety when I'm not there is getting worse all the time so it's harder to leave her with other people.

The strange thing is I've mostly been coping well, just taking things day by day and focussing on what needs to be done. But today was different somehow. Mum had a bad day in terms of her confusion. She was agitated and convinced she needed to be somewhere else. So I took her for a drive as that sometimes calms her down. We live near the sea and it was a glorious day. Anyway as I was driving I looked out at the wonderful view and looked across at Mum looking frail and distant and all the memories of happier times came flooding back and the realisation that I've lost the person she used to be forever just hit me like a ton of bricks. I held it together when we got home but ever since I've got her to bed I've just been crying uncontrollably.

So I guess I'm asking has anybody else experienced this sort of sudden extreme sadness and how did you deal with it?

Thanks a million in advance for any responses.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,412
Dundee
Hi KittyAnne

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I think it's perfectly understandable that you feel so sad. You are doing a marvellous job for your mum and I'm sure she would be proud of you. I know how a bout of sadness can suddenly creep up on you. Sadness for all that has been lost and stolen by dementia. Sometimes you just need to cry. I hope you managed to get some sleep and that tomorrow (well today!) is a better day!

Take care. x
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,320
East Kent
Hello Kittyann

Oh yes I have experienced this , I believe all of us on here will have.
Let the tears and sobs out when you can. their were times when they were the only thing that got me through.

24/7 caring is so very hard ,I know from experience. ((((((HUGS))))))
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,944
West Hertfordshire
Its sometimes good to cry, In the long run you may feel better for having done so.

Its almost that we mourn before the person was gone, mourn for what they were, rather than what they have become.

Take care of yourself- you are doing something so precious, and 'the mum that was' would be so proud of you

x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
Hello KittyAnn

It`s a wonder you haven`t experienced this deep distress well before now so you have done extremely well.

I often used to wake feeling very vulnerable and found it hard to control the tears. The stresses of full time caring, together with the tiredness of being on call full time really do take their toll.

I had an excellent care package for my husband but it still meant I was responsible for him 21 hours every day and as the dementia progressed it became increasingly difficult.

It sounds as if you do get your breaks but are still not spared the emotional trauma of living with someone whose health is deteriorating day by day.

I feel for you.
 

tealover

Registered User
Sep 8, 2011
168
Its sometimes good to cry, In the long run you may feel better for having done so.

Its almost that we mourn before the person was gone, mourn for what they were, rather than what they have become.

Take care of yourself- you are doing something so precious, and 'the mum that was' would be so proud of you

x
Hi KittyAnn,

I can relate to this from jessbow so much, and yes, it hits you like a boxer's blow to the stomach, totally winds you!!

I sometimes look at my mum and don't recognise her because I still think of her as my lively, beautiful and vivacious mum, and I wonder when I stopped seeing the changes in her, because I was so wrapped up in trying to do the right thing and protect her safety and well-being.

Cry, it is good for you, you need to release those emotions just to be able to smile and get through the next day with your Mum. I cry so much now, at night, on my own, because I don't want to burden anybody with my pain, but because I have to get it out of my system in order to be bright and cheery for Mum the following day.

Huge hugs to you xxx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,005
Scotland
The sadness you feel is evidence of your humanity as well as the sheer mental tiredness of your situation. As others have said it is amazing that you have gone so far without buckling before.

Best wishes to you and your Mum for happier times.
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,537
South Gloucs
I totally agree with everyone else that sometimes the gravity of it all can be too much to bear.

Had you thought about talking to someone to help you? It's not for everyone, but I (and possibly others) found counselling enormously helpful. I found a counsellor through my local carers centre and it was one of the best things I did. I worked in counsellor training for many years and actually used to wonder if I'd spot the signs and know if I ever needed therapy myself ...

... I did, eventually, and it did stop me going under. It doesn't remove the sadness of the situation but it has helped me cope with it.

Anyway - its a thought xxxx
 

caring a

Registered User
Mar 1, 2014
132
I totally agree with everyone else that sometimes the gravity of it all can be too much to bear.

Had you thought about talking to someone to help you? It's not for everyone, but I (and possibly others) found counselling enormously helpful. I found a counsellor through my local carers centre and it was one of the best things I did. I worked in counsellor training for many years and actually used to wonder if I'd spot the signs and know if I ever needed therapy myself ...

... I did, eventually, and it did stop me going under. It doesn't remove the sadness of the situation but it has helped me cope with it.

Anyway - its a thought xxxx
yes its so hard to keep going and caring like you do.
i go through days like you,when sadly mum is constantly asking/remanmising bout her mum est,sometimes as your mum getting very confused,i too look at her sat in chai,r,watching tv,i know she isnt really understading it and seeing the fraility creeping up is so hard to bear,but then you get the moments of love and that smile when you enter,and you know its a long hard road but keep on it as long as possible
 

Kittyann

Registered User
Jun 19, 2013
53
Just popping back to say thanks so much to you all for taking the time to reply. I know there is no solution but its really comforting to know that what I'm feeling is normal and that others have been through it and come out the other side.

I'm tired but coping better today. I guess things always seem worse in the early hours of the morning. It's really just the relentless downward spiral of it all where your days seesaw from enormous frustration to unbearable sadness. It's so exhausting mentally and physically. And every day there's a little bit less of the person I used to know and a little bit more of the irascible, irrational, frail and vulnerable imposter who looks a bit like her but shuffles instead of walks and increasingly frequently doesn't even know who I am.

Yes, maybe counselling is the way to go because this is really hard.,
 

Grandma Joan

Registered User
Mar 29, 2013
276
Wiltshire
You are doing an amazing job Kitty. It is such a precious time and in years to come you will look back on the time you looked after your Mum and be so glad that you did.

However at times it is overwhelming and frustrating and all those things and some days, for no apparent reason, we just can't cope with it all as well as we do on other days.

Instead of singing in the shower the other day I just boo hooed the whole time. Really weird, don't know where it all came from but it obviously all needed to come out.

Well done you and what a lucky Mum to have you looking after her. Try to maintain some quality "me time" whatever that may be. Counselling, facial whatever but try to keep a balance. Maybe a day care centre too for your Mum so you can have a break. Works for some, my Dad used to come back more agitated so doesn't work for all.

((hugs))
 

Sunny7

Registered User
Nov 28, 2013
13
West Sussex
Tonight I logged on here as I was in bits.. so yes Kittyann I know where you are with those tears of deep sadness.

I cry every day.. sometimes lots of times sometimes only once .. I find it very hard to cope some days with the loss of my beloved mum.. and sometimes, alas not often these days, I see glimpses of her still as she was but more and more now that is not the case.

I am an only child and have cared for my mother 8 years here with me. My son is presently living with me and has been for the past 2 years.. for 5 of those 8 years I have lived completely alone with her. In the beginning it was not too bad and I honestly felt I was coping very well but from 2011 this has become more and more challenging and I can't believe some days how I will get through the next day. I cry every night to myself and I rarely let on to my children (29 and 32) that I have cried.. I don't want them to worry about me or her.

Some times the tears come so suddenly that I barely get chance to hide them.. the other day I was walking through the high street in my village and suddenly tears were streaming down my cheeks when I saw a little old lady across the road with her shopping basket and I had a de ja vu moment of what my mother was like before she came to me. I barely made it back to my car and when I did I sobbed for all I was worth right there in the car park. My Gran always told me that tears are healing and they are. Sometimes I start to cry and think I will die crying .. and then they are gone as fast as they arrived and I can carry on again or I fall asleep from exhaustion.. You are not alone. We all know what you are going through with the deep sense of loss. x
 

Tilly Mint

Registered User
Jun 14, 2011
21
Sometimes I just have to let it out. It builds up over time and then needs to be released. I've cried in my room and in the garden. It gets to become something you do that enables you to continue doing what you're doing.

There was a time when I would go into another room and scream at the top of my voice but that just strained my throat so I stopped doing that.
I don't even feel the need to any more as I've grown used to not letting things matter so much. Maybe that was something I needed to learn in life.

I think we go from resisting change and trying to keep everything operating as it always has to realising that overall nothing much really matters except making sure that our loved ones are content in whatever world they are living in.
We adapt to them and release more and more of what gets to us to prevent it affecting us.
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
Oxfordshire
Crying

Isnt crying a weird thing. When my mum was at home I often logged into Talking Point and when a post was sad, I cried. I cried for the person posting and I cried for me. It actually felt like a relief, quite therapeutic and I think it stopped my sadness building up further. It felt as if I had to be brave for everyone for 16 hours a day and it was okay to feel the sadness at the end of the day while I was by myself.

Having read this thread I can imagine many of us all around the country having quiet sobs of real sadness that no one else knows about!

:)
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,064
n.e.
It's amazing how many only children there are on here. I'm one as well. I cried often when she was living at home , not coping because I saw more of her struggles.

I'm protected from that because she's in the care home but she is now so child like although she looks better cared for.

Big hug to you all. I know I'm storing up the tears for the next biggie........you know the one I mean.