Worse decision I've had to make in a long time!

[limafoxtrot]

We had a best interest meeting last week & all agreed Mum should go into a care home.Then asked the question, if she went I to care would her quality of life be better, again it was agreed it would. This Wednesday it goes to the board for a final decision.
I came back last Saturday for 2 weeks & have been staying with Mum, it's been stressful at time but absolutely wonderful all at the same time. Mums been losing weight, goes out wondering through the day, not knowing where she has been but luckily always finds her way back home, tonight though I'm sat her crying & now actually wondering is it the right decision for my Mum or just because I'm not here & would she be going into a care home if I was here.
Mum has no idea about this & it was decided that, as she listens to her GP, she is the one that will tell Mum. She seems happy that one here which make this even more unbearable & I feel I'm letting Mum down. I love Mum so much & can't bare the thought of her being somewhere with strangers & not in her own place, I feel what a horrible daughter I am & that I've badly let her down.
I've been looking at care homes by myself & with my daughter & have found a lovely home near my daughter but another home not far from where she lives. Both of them, the staff seem really caring & the residents seems happy, well as happy as they can be. The one near my daughter may have a place, the one near Mums has a waiting list. Gosh, I'm just rambling now but I know I've got to make a decision soon but it's the worse decision I've had to make in a long long time & it's not one I'm looking forward to making
When Mum was I respite she didn't want to go out & it was said at the meeting that they thought Mum only went out because she is lonely by herself at home, In my heart, I know it will be better for Mum, I love her so much & only want what's best for her.
Thank you for listening.
Lima

 

[rajahh]

I know how you are feeling as I am waiting for a place for my husband, and I alternate between longing for the phone call saying there is a room, and then glad there is no phone call.

I know he will get better care there, as I am finding it harder and harder to cope 24/7

You also know your mother will be safer in a home, and if her wanderings are because she is lonely, then she will n ot need to be lonely again once she is in a home.

It is a horrible decision to make, but there are many here who will say their loved ones have " blossomed" once they settled in.

Jeannette

 

[yoyo]

We had a best interest meeting last week & all agreed Mum should go into a care home.Then asked the question, if she went I to care would her quality of life be better, again it was agreed it would. This Wednesday it goes to the board for a final decision.
I came back last Saturday for 2 weeks & have been staying with Mum, it's been stressful at time but absolutely wonderful all at the same time. Mums been losing weight, goes out wondering through the day, not knowing where she has been but luckily always finds her way back home, tonight though I'm sat her crying & now actually wondering is it the right decision for my Mum or just because I'm not here & would she be going into a care home if I was here.
Mum has no idea about this & it was decided that, as she listens to her GP, she is the one that will tell Mum. She seems happy that one here which make this even more unbearable & I feel I'm letting Mum down. I love Mum so much & can't bare the thought of her being somewhere with strangers & not in her own place, I feel what a horrible daughter I am & that I've badly let her down.
I've been looking at care homes by myself & with my daughter & have found a lovely home near my daughter but another home not far from where she lives. Both of them, the staff seem really caring & the residents seems happy, well as happy as they can be. The one near my daughter may have a place, the one near Mums has a waiting list. Gosh, I'm just rambling now but I know I've got to make a decision soon but it's the worse decision I've had to make in a long long time & it's not one I'm looking forward to making
When Mum was I respite she didn't want to go out & it was said at the meeting that they thought Mum only went out because she is lonely by herself at home, In my heart, I know it will be better for Mum, I love her so much & only want what's best for her.
Thank you for listening.
Lima

Ah limafoxtrot its a horrid decision to have to make, but it must be the best thing because with all the love in the world I am still having to let my mum go into a care home. we have never been apart, but I cannot give her all that she needs. until a place become available I am giving her what she needs that is all of my time but my husband 4 daughters and 2 grandsons don't get a look in, todays dinner was pandemonium and when everyone has gone home she's so confused I get double the work to settle her. I dread the day and I'm happy that the waiting list is too long at the moment. there comes a time when we have to accept that it is the right thing, I don't think we'll ever accept it though. hope as time goes on you'll feel a little better about things. love and hugs x

 

[Eternity]

Dear Limafoxtrot,

It doesn't sound like you have made the decision lightly or without a lot of thought. I think even if you were able to live with your mum there would be a time when you couldn't provide the best care for her round the clock. I look after my mum and although it may have delayed her going into care, that time is fast approaching as she declines and I can't cope.
I think I remember reading a post once that said rarely can one carer look after someone 24/7 (even with care services popping in). But I do understand that doesn't make the decision easier

I can see so clearly from your post that you want to protect your mum, make sure she is safe, not frightened. You say you have found a lovely home that she could go to and with your visits I hope that she will feel safe and happy

You are not letting her down. You are not a horrible daughter. Your love for her shines through.

My heart goes out to you

x

 

[Pottingshed50]

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling , probably along with most people on here. Our Mum has taken a long time to settle but now she feels that the CH is her 'home', she knows all of the staff and to her they are the familiar faces of daily life. I truly believe that our Mum would not have lived to the ripe old age of 93 that she is now if we had left her in her own home, where she lived on her own. At least now she has care 24/7 and unlike when you at home , when the CH calls for medical help it is there immediately.

We are nearly to another Christmas (to me that is a another mile stone with Mum) and I know she will be made a huge fuss of , like all of the residents some of whom in the past had spent their Christmas' alone.

It is a very difficult time and no one but you can know how you are feeling.

You are in my thoughts.

 

[angecmc]

Feel for you Limafoxtrot, but you must not think you have failed your Mum, you are making sure she is safe and will be well looked after. Once she is settled in a carehome, every minute you spend with her will be quality time instead of sorting out her different needs. You are a kind loving daughter trying to do the best you can along with the rest of us on here. Hope you find a great home for your Mum xx

Ange

 

[Grannie G]

It`s the hardest decision Lima but I hope you find your mother`s general health and well being improves once she has 24/7 care, company and attention, and then will realise it`s the best decision.

 

[Cfduti]

I ID with the difficulty.

Since my mum went into the 'system' (she is now at last in a home) I have vacillated about it but a reality check from pros and others have kept me on track. I am sure that it is best for mum. I did the best I could for many years and it is a progressive disease.

Knowing my mum is now in a 24/7 care situation staffed by professionals is logically the best outcome for my mum.

Certainly I have 'if only' thoughts/feelings but they are mine to own. It has helped me a lot to see a counsellor and to practice self awareness on a daily basis. While I still wish for this and that I'm largely at peace now and love my mum no less.

All the best.

Be Happy

 

[limafoxtrot]

Thank you all for your kind words.
After posting the thread last night a dam migraine came on & I've woke up with a cold
My mind is all over the place at the moment but on the plus side, I'm looking forward to spending a lovely day with my wonderful Mum.

Thanks again
Lima

 

[Dazmum]

You really haven't failed your mum Lima, quite the opposite. When she is in her care home you will still care for her, visit as often as you can and spend quality time with her. When you aren't there, you can rest assured that she will be looked after, entertained and will always have company.

But I do agree with you, it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make. It sounds as though you have a choice out of two nice homes, which is good, and that you have support from your family too. Good luck, and hope you feel better soon x

 

[turbo]

Hello LFT, knowing that it's the right decision does not make it an easy decision but it sounds as if you have two good carehomes in mind for your mum. Your love for your mum shines through.


turbo

 

[Noorza]

Someone posted about this story just a couple of days ago. It's about a lady in Ireland who went out to walk her dog, must have got confused and she was found under bushes two days later sadly having passed away.

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/irel...oman-finds-no-evidence-of-foul-play-1.1543966

I know this is a dark way of looking at it, but when you are at your lowest, when that misplaced guilt most of us have rears it's persistent head, you have to think are the reasons why she NEEDS to be in a home.

It's a huge difference between you WANTING her to be in a home.

It's not your wish, your wish is to have Mum well, healthy, clear thinking in her own house but we can't have that. My Mum is still in her own home but has forgotten she put the eggs on, that was just smoke and a 3 am call from the police the other two she had forgotten how to microwave and put the wrong stuff in it so they went on fire.

It wasn't all bad for one we had 10 firemen and 2 fire engines arrive.

What I'm trying to say is if you didn't get her care in a residential home and anything happened to her, you'd never forgive yourself. You have to keep her safe.

Having said all that Mum is still independent which she won't give up and she is still well enough to make that choice, so it's her decision. Your Mum needs you now to keep her safe and that's what you are doing.

 

[Mamsgirl]

Saw this on FaceBook and thought of what you're going through Lima, hugs, Toni x

 

[KatieB]

Hi Lima, your mum sounds like my dad. He would go out all day and most evenings. I had no idea where he was going, what he was doing etc. Eventually safety had to be considered and I had to make the decision to have my dad placed in a nursing home 6 months ago. It was the best decision although I didn't think so at the time. I felt he still had some indpendence left in him, that he could make some decisions, still be living a relatively "normal" life. He has settled into his new life. I was unaware of how stressed he actually was about the upkeep of his house, his shopping, money, even the dog. Now he is much more relaxed. He knows he is in a home, he's not always happy about it, but he knows he is safe and he seems less stressed. I hope this is of some help to you. Stay strong, you will make the right decision.
Katie
ps - I have his dog now and that's another full time job!