Worry about my mum realising she has dementia

[KDK]

Hi, i am just wondering if anyone can help with a bit of advice as to whether i should get a formal diagnosis for my mum.

The background is that my mum cared for my dad who had dementia and alzheimers, he passed away 4 years ago from Prostrate Cancer but the real nightmare for us (particularly my mum) was the dementia.

Since he passed away my mum has now gone rapidly downhill herself.
I moved her closer to me a year ago as I noticed she was showing signs of old age, however during the process of moving her closer I realised that it was more than old age (she is 83) and I recognised the signs of dementia. Over the last year she has slowly settled into her new home and is happy to be living much closer to me and my partner but she has also started to deteriorate more and more. I have someone coming in twice a week to cook for her and I take her shopping once a week and cook for her and stay and have a meal with her. She also goes to a Church Chat group once a week for a bit of socialising. However she is now getting more and more confused and can't remember what day it is, struggles with the time of day, sleeps a lot and gets confused with food and drink. She has also started writing notes everywhere (which is something my dad did), I find lots of scraps of paper with dates on and my name and number.

As far as I am aware she doesn't think she has dementia, she knows she has a problem with her memory and can't cook, work out money, and knows she is getting confused but she will still tell people that her husband had dementia and that it is a terrible thing.
So far I have taken her to the doctors for a check up as she was losing lots of weight and complaining of tummy ache, constipation and backache. The doctor did blood tests and they all came back ok. We got her a new bed and her back is now better too. I haven't though taken her to get a dementia diagnosis as I am so worried as to how it will affect her psychologically if she knew! But I don't know if I am doing the right thing for her and everyone else involved. Do I carry on, just keeping her safe and making sure she is reasonably happy or should I take her to the doctors to get a diagnosis and see if there is more help for her? I have been advised to talk to her doctor myself but just wondered if anyone else has found themselves in this situation and if so what have they done?

 

[la lucia]

Hi, i am just wondering if anyone can help with a bit of advice as to whether i should get a formal diagnosis for my mum.

The background is that my mum cared for my dad who had dementia and alzheimers, he passed away 4 years ago from Prostrate Cancer but the real nightmare for us (particularly my mum) was the dementia.

Since he passed away my mum has now gone rapidly downhill herself.
I moved her closer to me a year ago as I noticed she was showing signs of old age, however during the process of moving her closer I realised that it was more than old age (she is 83) and I recognised the signs of dementia. Over the last year she has slowly settled into her new home and is happy to be living much closer to me and my partner but she has also started to deteriorate more and more. I have someone coming in twice a week to cook for her and I take her shopping once a week and cook for her and stay and have a meal with her. She also goes to a Church Chat group once a week for a bit of socialising. However she is now getting more and more confused and can't remember what day it is, struggles with the time of day, sleeps a lot and gets confused with food and drink. She has also started writing notes everywhere (which is something my dad did), I find lots of scraps of paper with dates on and my name and number.

As far as I am aware she doesn't think she has dementia, she knows she has a problem with her memory and can't cook, work out money, and knows she is getting confused but she will still tell people that her husband had dementia and that it is a terrible thing.
So far I have taken her to the doctors for a check up as she was losing lots of weight and complaining of tummy ache, constipation and backache. The doctor did blood tests and they all came back ok. We got her a new bed and her back is now better too. I haven't though taken her to get a dementia diagnosis as I am so worried as to how it will affect her psychologically if she knew! But I don't know if I am doing the right thing for her and everyone else involved. Do I carry on, just keeping her safe and making sure she is reasonably happy or should I take her to the doctors to get a diagnosis and see if there is more help for her? I have been advised to talk to her doctor myself but just wondered if anyone else has found themselves in this situation and if so what have they done?

Hi it's difficult isn't it but I think a diagnosis helps in lots of ways.

First there's medication which can help slow the progress of dementia. It certainly made a noticeable difference to my mother for a while. A diagnosis also facilitates things like Attendance Allowance and a reduction in Council tax.

My mother studiously refused to face her diagnosis so we largely avoid mentioning dementia although the memory clinic always say it out loud and handed her a book on dementia too.

You can write things that you've observed on a piece of paper and slip it to the doctor. I called my mother's doctor and told him my observations and suspicions. He explained that he couldn't discuss it with me but he could keep it all in mind when he saw my mother.

We don't seem to have to mention dementia in front of her hardly ever at all now I come to think about it. But Im glad we got a diagnosis.

Do you have power of attorney in place? If not I would definitely recommend doing it asap.

Best of luck

 

[Tragicuglyducky]

Hi KDK, similar problems with my dad always forgetting what day it was then angrily calling me or my brother to ask us why we hadn't come round for dinner/take him to an appointment when he's got the day wrong. He was only recently diagnosed with mixed dementia. We had to have a telephone chat with our GP who referred him. But my brother and I have authority to discuss his medical issues. He recognised that there was a problem with his memory. We never mentioned dementia, we just said that seeing a specialist might be able to help him understand what has happened to his memory and help him. maybe the promise of help is enough temptation? When we had his initial memory assessment he was asked 2 questions:

1) if the doctor finds that he has a form of dementia would he want to know
2) would it be ok for me and my brother to know too

As previously mentioned getting a diagnosis opens up access to meds that could help, however you don't have be diagnosed with anything to qualify for other kinds of support. I was under the impression that if your mum's quality of life is impaired but could be improved by social care it is still reason enough for you to ask for it.

 

[KDK]

Thank you

Hi it's difficult isn't it but I think a diagnosis helps in lots of ways.

First there's medication which can help slow the progress of dementia. It certainly made a noticeable difference to my mother for a while. A diagnosis also facilitates things like Attendance Allowance and a reduction in Council tax.

My mother studiously refused to face her diagnosis so we largely avoid mentioning dementia although the memory clinic always say it out loud and handed her a book on dementia too.

You can write things that you've observed on a piece of paper and slip it to the doctor. I called my mother's doctor and told him my observations and suspicions. He explained that he couldn't discuss it with me but he could keep it all in mind when he saw my mother.

We don't seem to have to mention dementia in front of her hardly ever at all now I come to think about it. But Im glad we got a diagnosis.

Do you have power of attorney in place? If not I would definitely recommend doing it asap.

Best of luck

Hi La Lucia

Thank you for your reply.
Yes luckily I do have a power of attorney in place, my mum had done it for my dad and we discussed this together when she moved last year as she wasn't able to do anything for the move at all and this upset her. So she knows this is in place and this makes her feel happier.

The more time passes I feel that I need a diagnosis to stop me going mad but then I worry about what might happen if she does realise. I worry that she will just give up and stop eating! But my worrying is getting quite bad now and is making me ill. I think I will try to talk to her doctor and see if there is a subtle way of getting a diagnosis.

Thanks again for your response.

KDK

 

[KDK]

Thank you

Hi KDK, similar problems with my dad always forgetting what day it was then angrily calling me or my brother to ask us why we hadn't come round for dinner/take him to an appointment when he's got the day wrong. He was only recently diagnosed with mixed dementia. We had to have a telephone chat with our GP who referred him. But my brother and I have authority to discuss his medical issues. He recognised that there was a problem with his memory. We never mentioned dementia, we just said that seeing a specialist might be able to help him understand what has happened to his memory and help him. maybe the promise of help is enough temptation? When we had his initial memory assessment he was asked 2 questions:

1) if the doctor finds that he has a form of dementia would he want to know
2) would it be ok for me and my brother to know too

As previously mentioned getting a diagnosis opens up access to meds that could help, however you don't have be diagnosed with anything to qualify for other kinds of support. I was under the impression that if your mum's quality of life is impaired but could be improved by social care it is still reason enough for you to ask for it.

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

I think it might be an idea to ask her if she wants to speak to the doctor about her confusion and memory issues. i will try and talk to her doctor first. I do have power of attorney so am wondering if this will help as in the doctor may be able to talk to me a bit more about options.

I don't know how I really feel about meds, but that is something I need to think about. It would be good to know if the diagnosis will help with any care that she needs though. Currently I am just using a private company to come in twice a week and cook for her which is fine but it would be good to know what else is out there for help and to give her the best quality of life.

Thanks again

KDK

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother was diagnosed but we never told her she had Alzheimer's. She would get very angry if the word was even mentioned around her so I think she was aware something was wrong. I simply would say "Your memory isn't what it used to be" and she would go along with that.

There isn't necessarily any point in the person being told of the diagnosis. Having said that, I met a lovely man who was aware that he had Alzheimer's. It was truly amazing. It all depends on whether you think knowing the diagnosis will upset your mother more.