Worries about the right thing to do with elderly mother

[DougFlo]

My mother is 83 and we have noticed, more particularly over the last few months that her memory is getting quite poor. She forgets from one second to the next what she has asked and gets herself into a tizz about very simple jobs. Perhaps the most worrying is she is withdrawing from all her friends and activities she has always done.

I spoke to her and persuaded her to go to the doctor with me and I tried to explain as best I could, but I found it very awkward in front of mum. He asked her a couple of questions like what did she have to eat last night (which she couldn't answer). I wanted to go into her withdrawing but I found it all quite difficult in front of her.

The doctor has asked her to come back for blood tests later this week to test vitamin levels and an ECG.

My concern is really that I may not have got across how mum is to the doctor. Should I do something different? Will the doctor now speak to me direct? Should I write a letter? I am finding the whole thing a minefield of trying to do the right thing without upsetting mum at the same time.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point.

Your mother's doctor may not actually discuss your mother's care with you (unless she gave permission at the time of the last visit, which she might have done) but he/she should listen to your concerns. Personally I'm for the belt and braces approach - write a letter and then follow up with a phone call to make sure the letter has been read.

Having said that, the doctor is obviously concerned enough to send her for tests (and these are the standard ones that they tend to start with as things like vitamin deficiencies can be treated) so you've already got the ball rolling. Assuming those tests don't find anything then she should be sent for further tests.

The problem arises is if after the first round of tests the doctor then takes the "oh well there's nothing wrong" approach. Then you really need to make sure the doctor has all the relevant information. However, since all of this takes time, it's wise I feel to make sure the GP has as much info as early as possible.

 

[grove]

Hello Dougflo , Welcome to T Point but sorry you are worried about your Mother which is only normal for any Caring Son / Daughter etc would feel . You are a caring Son & it shows that you were able to make a Appt at the G P 's for both of you . You said about writing a letter to the G P that is a good idea so the G P can have a "True/ Full Idea " of what your Mother is like ( just put down what you told us all on T P e g Withdrawing from her Activites / Friends etc )

Also another good idea is to have a daily "note book " of any thing odd etc your Mother does & then you take this to the G P as "prove " that your Mother is having problems etc . You did not say do you live with each other ? or does she have her own Home ? , sorry just asking as that can make things clearer for others on
T Point to help you when they reply !

My Dad has Mild / Moderate Dementia & i live near Parents try & help as much as i can & can understand your Worry etc . One thing i found useful was the Altz Society Fact Sheets ( click on top of this page & you see every thing in listed , there is one called "What is Dementia ? " if you feel that would help you )

Good Luck with the G P & all the tests etc , do keep posting to let us know how it went etc ! . Am sure other 's will be able to give much more advice soon & better than i can give ! Hope this helps you

Take Care

Love Grove x x

P S ........ Hope I did not speak out of turn when i said about reading the " fact sheet " as at the moment your Mother has not been given any Diagnosis . Please ignore if you want to & thanks for the understanding .

 

[Chemmy]

Hello from me too.

It's a horrible position to be in, isn't it? I agree with all the above advice and would add that if another opportunity occurs to talk freely, you should bite the bullet and go for it.

In the first place, even if your mum gets upset at the time, it will be forgotten about very quickly (one of the few blessings of the condition) and also it'll give the doctor an opportunity to see how she reacts; is she following the conversation or is it all going above her head? If she does understand what's being said, does she deny it, get angry or get confused? It'll all serve to give him/her the true picture and even though you will feel as though you are being disloyal to your mum, in fact you are doing her an enormous favour if you can get a quick and accurate diagnosis, and on appropriate medication.

 

[sussexsue]

The fact that you and your mum were able to go together is a very good start. I wouldnt worry too much about the upset, as your mum will probably soon forget. It is slightly easier for me as mum has an actual diagnosis. When talking to health professionals with mum, I tend to open the conversation with

"mum has alzheimers/memory problems so I am sure she wont mind me mentioning a few things she may have forgotten"

mum just sort of agrees and seems to blank out what we are talking about. Occasionally she will say, slightly in jest "well I thought I was OK, but apparently not".

She herself will never volunteer anything that would imply there was anything wrong with her (apart from a "wobbly" knee), but seems happy to be talked about, probably as she cant really keep up with what is being said.

If she questions me afterwards I just say that it is so she can keep getting Aricept - something she believes is a wonder drug, very expensive, and she is very special and lucky to be getting it.

It may well be, of course, that your mother doesnt have dementia. Low vit B12 levels can cause very similar symptoms. It is good that your doctor is exploring all options.