Worried mum thinks I am making things up

[runningbunny]

Hi, I'm a daughter struggling to know how best to manage what seems to be happening to my mum who is in her early 80s and how to deal with this. Over the past few years she has had some short term memory issues but nothing major to be of concern. however in the past year-18months this seems to have increased but it variable and unpredictable (though fatigue and illness seems to exacerbate things).
Some times are great, others less so e.g occasional forgetting key dates e.g. the year she married my dad, whether I met her parents -I am the youngest child who never met my maternal grandparents. I do worry lockdown and increased isolation from her peers has also added to the mix, so to speak.
Some issues around her medication (dosage mix up then a mix up about whether one of her meds was still necessary as mum thought she was 'cured') brought input from the community matron and district nurses.
A nurse then informed me there were some concerns around mum's memory, however after a few tests of her memory by the nurses nothing seem to come of it.
Mum was aware they were testing her memory so her take on this is that there is nothing wrong other than normal ageing & that she showed them this was the case.
However more recently we are having more repetetive discussions (asking if my husband has had the vaccine yet several times in one day with me giving the same answer, only to be asked again the next day, asking if my mother in law has visited when we've discussed countless times lockdown restrictions have prohibited this and we hadn't seen her in months. )
She seems to be bringing up the idea that someone is pinching plants from her garden and was unhappy when I pointed out a particular shrub she said had been taken was still there but hadn't yet come into leaf.
I notice there is more mouldy/out of date food needing to be sorted/binned -although to be fair she's not always wanting the food I bring, but struggles for inspiration when asked what she would like!
Pointing out memory lapses seems to bring us into conflict and I think she feels I am gaslighting her. she has got very angry and upset after an incident where she seems to have partially recollected an arrangement made for an appointment and subsequent discussions about this yesterday, and is accusing me of making things up about what was said or not said and making something out of her memory which isn't there.
This forum is helping me form some idea of how to proceed e.g. keeping a diary, bulletpoint notes to her GP of concerns/issues for when mum next sees the doctor, but it's how to respond when in the moment I am struggling with. Do I ignore the issues and pretend all is well or risk her distress and accusations when we are usually very close? I've tried explaining rationally as a concerned and loving daughter but she feels I am picking on her clearly.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome to the forum @runningbunny

Much of what you describe is common enough so I'm sure you will get help from the supportive membership on the forum.

As to in the moment conversation, a few useful hints can be obtained from the thread that can be reached by clicking the following link. I hope it helps

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @runningbunny and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. A lot of what you have said is familiar. You sound already to be thinking about appropriate steps to take. Conversations can be challenging when people repeat things or believe something that just doesn't make sense (except to them) and are unshakeable in their view. Often no amount of persuasion or reasoning makes any difference and we have to learn to adapt. I was about to recommend the Compassionate Communication thread but I see that @karaokePete has already done this. What I would say is, that whilst it is a very helpful guide, putting compassionate communication into practice is not always that easy to do so don't worry about falling short. Have a look at the principles and try them out. This may help you to maintain a good relationship with your mum and avoid distress for both of you. Do keep looking around and keep asking questions as there is a wealth of information held within this supportive community and you'll get plenty of good advice.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @runningbunny , welcome to Dementia Talking Point. The compassionate communication thread has great ideas, but I was one who often found it difficult to put into practice.
My mother started thinking the neighbours came in and moved her stuff around. My husbands approach was to tell my mother she was mistaken, mine was to use logic. I tried to get her to see that it was much more likely mum was moving things and not remembering than a neighbour was sneaking into her flat to deliberately fill her iron with water. Neither of those approaches worked. My brother on the other hand took a tip he’s learned from training his dog and used the idea of distraction, holding out a treat such as a slice of cake to get mum to move onto a different topic. That approach worked better.
Do you have Lasting Power of attorney, https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney? If you don’t know is the time to get it sorted as it will help when you need to help your mother manage her financial affairs and talk to medical staff about her well being. For instance I wonder if the nothing happening about memory tests is due to your mum hiding any letters she’s had about it? My mother had limited eyesight so she left her post for me to read, but I sometimes found things she had either forgotten or didn’t want to tell me about.
Finally now might be the time to consider a bit of extra help for your mum so she gets used to carers. I tried to do this for mine as I could see she was needing more help than I could provide, but she refused to allow me to set it up, but yours might be more amenable. You can ask your local social services for a needs assessment though there may well be a waiting list, and if your mother has savings of over £23,500 she would be expected to pay. If that’s the case then you could just try and find a company yourself.