Worried how hubby and mum will cope while I'm out

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by annielou, Dec 5, 2019 at 12:13 AM.

  1. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    Hubby is going to stay with mum on his own for a few hours tomorrow while I go have my hair and nails done and I'm so nervous about it I wish I'd never agreed to it.
    I used to have my nails done every 2/3 weeks and my hair every 6 but have cancelled last few nails and last hair appointments as I've been visiting and then staying with mum and now don't leave her on her own.
    I'd cancelled a couple of appointments and then hubby went for his appointment at same place a few weeks ago so I wrote down the rest of my appointments I'd booked up to Christmas and asked him to cancel them for me.
    When he came back he told me he'd cancelled them all but tomorrows. He said he was going to take a day off work and stay with mum while i went. I think hairdresser had sort of encouraged him in the idea for me to have a bit of me time.
    I said at time I didn't think it was a good idea as hubby hadnt been on his own with mum for months, except for a few minutes at a time while i'm out of room.
    But hubby was insistent he'd cope and at the time I had a vague hope mum might have agreed to go to day centre or may have settled a bit to being on own for a while anyway so he wouldn't have to but in actual fact she has got more dependant on me and her confusion and mood are worse than before.
    Mum has always loved my hubby and still does but she keeps asking if hubby is mad at her or doesnt like her anymore because she's with me all the time and her brains going (her words not ours). She worries he doesn't talk to her now, which he does, just not a lot, but its hard to find things to talk to mum about and he's always let me and mum do most of the talking. I tell mum no hubby is ok with you just like always has been but Mum is quite paranoid about people not liking her, not talking to her etc and is always asking that sort of thing anyway so I don't how she'll be if just with him.
    So here we are with appointment tomorrow and hubby saying he'll manage and me worrying.
    Its not a quick appointment either as I was supposed to have my hair highlighted, then while colour on have my nails done, and then hair cut and blow so would normally be there over two hours plus time getting home so more likely gone three hours.
    I think its too late to cancel and would feel bad they would lose out as its too late for them to book someone else in my place. I keep wondering if to go but ask just to have my haircut and dried which would be quicker and offer to pay for rest but not have it done.
    I know that I'll be worrying how hubby and mum are doing and if they needed me to go home quick it would be a bit harder with colour on hair that would need washing out first.
    Why did I not just say no am not going when hubby told me he'd not cancelled it. Aaarrrgghhhh
  2. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    @annielou Go and get your hair and nails done and while you are there just relax and enjoy yourself. I desperately need a hair cut, I haven't been to the hairdressers since July and I have cut my fringe myself a couple of times but the back really needs attention.

    My husband is staying with my dad tonight to give me a night off and I am extremely grateful. I have a dentist appointment early tomorrow morning as I have broken a tooth and need to go. Honestly you need to grab these opportunities when you can. If your husband is willing to look after your mum for a few hours then let him. It may actually make him feel good just to see you have some time fr yourself.

    It is not all about your mum, you count too. Honestly if our parents had any idea of what we do for them I am sure that they would not begrudge you an afternoon off.

    Please don't make things worse for yourself, give it a try, the worst that can happen is that your husband and your mum may fall out for a while and I am sure that your husband will get over it and your mum will forget so what is the problem.

    Make your husband happy and take him up on the offer and while you are there ask for a head massage when they wash your hair. I can recommend it as wonderful.
  3. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I totally agree. Your husband has made a very kind offer which shows that he is aware of how much you do.

    What have you got to lose? Your husband probably will cope and what's the worst that could happen? Your mum might end a bit cranky but that's OK. Your husband knows what your mum is like so he's not a novice and he wants you to do something for yourself.

    Just do it.
  4. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    channel islands
    Go, your hubby will fine enjoy some time to yourself. Sometimes we have to let others take over for a bit we cannot do it all. Hope you look fabulous one your hair and nails are done.
  5. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    Go and let your husband have the pleasure of doing something for you, after all it was his idea. Besides he is an adult, he will cope and perhaps spending with your mum it may put her mind at rest that he does still love her too.

    Try and relax and enjoy the pamperig.
  6. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    I think it is very important you go out. Not only will having your hair and nails done make you feel better, but it'll give you a chance to distance yourself from your mum and try to look at the situation from the outside as it were. If possible I'd fit in a coffee and a nice bit of cake or similar too.
    Your husband can see that you need a break, and is being very thoughtful in taking the day off. Lovely though my husband is, I have to make things really explicit if I need him to do something to help me with mum.
  7. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    Go and make the most of it. If you are not prepared to leave your Mother with somebody who knows and cares for her then you are making shackles for yourself that will be harder and harder to break.
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Go and take this opportunity for a break.
    Your mum will not get over her dependency - the more you are there, the more she will want you there.
  9. Topsy Tiger

    Topsy Tiger Registered User

    Nov 12, 2019
    You must go @annielou. Your husband has already taken the day off work and he has done so to give you a break, so don’t waste it. It’s only for three hours. If your Mum is upset by the change in company, she will soon forget it once you’re back. On the other hand, it could be a chance for the two most important people in your life to reconnect at some level. Also, once you have your hair and nails done, you’ll feel more like you, a little boost when you most need it.
  10. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    Thanks for all your replies x
    Hubby says he'll manage and I should go.
    Unfortunately mum has had a bout of fast diarrhoea on bathroom floor this morning (sorry for description hope nobody having their breakfast, as I was at the time) and shes just had go again though this time reached loo in time.
    Mum won't want to go to our house with hubby now as our loo is upstairs and she struggles with stairs as it is so no good if rushing. I usually walk behind her upstairs to make sure doesnt fall on them and if rushing to loo with diarohea she wont want hubby right behind her.
    She won't want hubby to stay with het here at her house either in case she had to go loo again as its a small bungalow and toilet is right next door to living room and you can hear people in there.
    She has had bouts like this for years, she has diverticulitis and it often stops her going out places and usually if happens on day we would see her she would stay home and we'd visit her later in day when things had slowed down after she'd taken multiple Immodium, shes not too bad if I'm here but gets embarrased if hubby is here.
    We've had to alter plans a lot over the years and she often gets these bouts of diarrhoea, or constipation where wants to go but cant, when she has appointments etc, we had to cancel and reschedule a cataract operation last year due to it. So now wondering if I'm going to have to cancel my hair for this now.
    Mums wondering if its her tablets caused it which could be, but she does have this anyway and funnily enough for last few weeks while shes been taking iron, folic acid and vit d her bowel seems to have been a bit more settled than usual and not had as many bouts and not such fast violent ones when has had them. It could be her memory one though as been taking galantamine a week and half now and she did feel a bit sick yesterday afternoon again.
  11. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    Good luck at the dentist @Duggies-girl x hope you get chance for haircut soon x i've chopped my fringe a bit too.
  12. Gillywilly

    Gillywilly New member

    Sep 21, 2018
    Hi you need a break and don’t feel guilty about it. We never took a break for eight months and look what happened to a very close family give them some of the load because I can tell you when things get worse you will need a break
  13. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    #13 reedysue, Dec 5, 2019 at 10:51 AM
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2019 at 11:01 AM
    @annielou I hope you manage to get to the hairdressers, my husband has started to babysit my mum to let me get out for a while, I was very nervous about doing this but so far so good and it has enabled me to get my hair done or get a bit of shopping without having to watch mum and constantly take her to the loo.
  14. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    @annielou i relly think you should go no matter what the reason. looking for excuses not to go maybe....i am sure whatever happens while you are out it will be either coped with or wait until you are back so you can sort it out. let him go to mums where she has good access to bathroom. it could be the thought of you not being there that has brought this on.....as it sounds like it related to events and things happening. is it stress related IBS maybe.
    How many times have you wished you could have a few hours to yourself....now is your chance. Take it!
  15. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    Hi annielou
    I hope you managed to keep your appointment as you sound like you definitely need a break, and your kind husband realises this. Going forward in the new year, maybe this is the time to get your mum used to having others with her so you can have some regular respite?
  16. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019

    Yep, I think you're right. We're both probably a bit nervous bout being apart. Mum has diverticulitis but it does seem to be worse when stressed. I used to suffer with IBS when I was stressed at work but the last ten years or so since I left that job it had been loads better and hardly a bother at all but it has reared its head again a bit lately since looking after mum and is quite unsettled today too.
    I do want a break and my hair is a mess. I loved having my nails done for a little bit of me time and while visitng mum more and more because of her memory problems over last couple of years I had held on going for my nails as long as I could just to have a bit of me time. These last few months I really miss it.
    Hope I can relax enough today to enjoy it.
  17. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    Thank you for all replies xxx
    I feel very lucky to have hubby who has offered stay with mum so I can go. I know not everybody gets this chance so I am going to take it.
    Just to top off stress this morning though, hubby went to his drs about a cyst on his eye today and when they took his blood pressure it was high and now he has to go back for it checking in a fortnight.
    It will be all the stress that raised it poor ****** and today wint have helped.
  18. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    @annielou I went to the dentist and it was all okay and I have now got a much needed hair appointment tomorrow. My husband is staying at dad's tonight for me again.

    You just have to grab any opportunity available or you will go slowly nuts.
  19. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    Thats good. Enjoy tomorrow x
  20. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    I did it! I went and got my hair cut and my nails done and felt almost human again for a while this afternoon.
    Hubby and mum managed ok together. Luckily mums tummy settled down beforehand and she was ok to go over to our house with hubby.
    It was nice to be out without mum and doing something for me for a change, though I did worry how hubby was doing and I was talking about mum quite a bit while having my hair and nails done as they both asked about mum and how we're doing.

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