Hi Everyone, I’m brand new to this so bare with me! I’m 32 and have two small children, my Grandad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago. To me he is the same Grandad just a little repetitive with things he says which now seems the norm. My Nana is his main carer and they both still live in their own home, my mum is also a carer to both as my Nana has many health issues herself. Sometimes it gets too much for Mum to cope with aswell, she is single and works and does her best to do everything for them. My Nana does an amazing job and I totally idolise her but I think things are obviously taking it’s toll. She’s making comments like she’s had enough, she can’t cope so my mum asks what kind of help we need to get ie cleaner, carer and all she says is I don’t know. I know she’s a good old fashioned wife that just wants to look after her husband like back in the day but she just can’t. My Grandad isn’t completely gone, (sorry that sounds terrible) I always say he’s 80% grandad and 20% Alzheimer’s, because if you didn’t know you would never think he has it. We are all scared to let people help (I think we’ve all seen too many horrible programmes about bad carers). Putting grandad in home is completely out of the question at this stage. We have recently got carers through social services that just come in the morning to help him with his clothes but all he keeps doing is making sure he is done before they arrive, like it’s his mission! So we are worried they will stop before long. We’ve told him he has to wait and all he keeps saying is they are late I’m not waiting for them ( they are not late they can just come anytime between 7.30 and 10) which means my Nana is still having to struggle to help him then the carers just come in write in the book and leave, I know it’s not their fault, but you can’t get through to him. My nana needs a break and me and my mum are taking her out twice a week but when we arrive back to my grandparents house my grandad is in a right state, crying because he didn’t know where she had gone and usually wet himself so now we feel we can’t go out but this is just cruel for my Nana she needs a break now and then. We just don’t know what to do. My grandad refuses to go out anymore mainly because he doesn’t want a accident down below (something that is a constant daily battle for my Nana to clean up) he is a very private person. Sorry I’ve gone on just needed to release.
Worried for my Nana who cares for Grandad
- Thread starter LeAnne123
- Start date
Hello @LeAnne123 and welcome.
Your Nana is with your grandad 24/7, so I'm wouldn't be sure she would say he is still 80% himself. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's disease is exhausting to the bone, and your Nana is herself elderly. She definitely needs more help. Have you thought about a Day Centre for your grandad? Maybe initially, your Nana could go along too, talk about it as a "club" they are going to, and then after a couple of times, she could invent an appointment for herself that she has to go to? Or just present it as something "the doctor says" would be good for him. The socialisation, the stimulation etc. would actually be good. And it would give your Nana a break for several hours a couple of days a week. It sounds as if he is very frightened when left alone, so I think the time has come when he shouldn't be left alone at home. Is he wearing incontinence pads? My husband was also a very private person, but when he started becoming incontinent, I braced myself to have "the conversation" with him. I explained to him that this was something that unfortunately happened very commonly as people get older. "In fact" I said "It's so common, that you can buy special pads in the supermarket to deal with it!" And I took him to Tesco, and showed him that there were not only a variety of pads and pull ups on offer, but they even did their own brand! He understood that if they do their own brand, they must sell a lot of them, so he was fine then with using them, because he realised he wasn't the only one!
I would also see if the Carers could do anything else when they come. Could they tidy the bedroom, make the bed, generally bustle around, and chat to him as they do so he gets to know them? That would be better than just writing in the book and leaving. They are, after all, being paid to spend a certain amount of time there. Maybe that's something to discuss with either the Agency or SS. Explain that right now he's resistant, but hopefully will come around as he gets used to them being there.
Your Nana is with your grandad 24/7, so I'm wouldn't be sure she would say he is still 80% himself. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's disease is exhausting to the bone, and your Nana is herself elderly. She definitely needs more help. Have you thought about a Day Centre for your grandad? Maybe initially, your Nana could go along too, talk about it as a "club" they are going to, and then after a couple of times, she could invent an appointment for herself that she has to go to? Or just present it as something "the doctor says" would be good for him. The socialisation, the stimulation etc. would actually be good. And it would give your Nana a break for several hours a couple of days a week. It sounds as if he is very frightened when left alone, so I think the time has come when he shouldn't be left alone at home. Is he wearing incontinence pads? My husband was also a very private person, but when he started becoming incontinent, I braced myself to have "the conversation" with him. I explained to him that this was something that unfortunately happened very commonly as people get older. "In fact" I said "It's so common, that you can buy special pads in the supermarket to deal with it!" And I took him to Tesco, and showed him that there were not only a variety of pads and pull ups on offer, but they even did their own brand! He understood that if they do their own brand, they must sell a lot of them, so he was fine then with using them, because he realised he wasn't the only one!
I would also see if the Carers could do anything else when they come. Could they tidy the bedroom, make the bed, generally bustle around, and chat to him as they do so he gets to know them? That would be better than just writing in the book and leaving. They are, after all, being paid to spend a certain amount of time there. Maybe that's something to discuss with either the Agency or SS. Explain that right now he's resistant, but hopefully will come around as he gets used to them being there.
Lady A has given some very good advice.
I would also like to mention a phenomenon known on here as host/hostess mode. This is when the person with dementia is able to sort of hold themselves together for short periods of time when meeting other people - particularly other members of the family and medical people. During this time they can appear almost normal. My mum was able to do this even when she reached the very severe stage. It makes it very easy to totally underestimate how bad they are and it wouldnt surprise me at all if your Grandad is doing this too.
I would also like to mention a phenomenon known on here as host/hostess mode. This is when the person with dementia is able to sort of hold themselves together for short periods of time when meeting other people - particularly other members of the family and medical people. During this time they can appear almost normal. My mum was able to do this even when she reached the very severe stage. It makes it very easy to totally underestimate how bad they are and it wouldnt surprise me at all if your Grandad is doing this too.
