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Worried daughter

Sallybutters

New member
May 31, 2020
6
Hi, hope someone can help me , my mam is 81 , no diagnosis ,we are just assuming at the minute it could be Alzheimer's . We can't see a Dr and when I ring reception by the time the Dr rings back my mam says she is fine, my mam has started to ring me every morning as soon as she wakes up to say she feels confused and that she feels like she has another house. I explain she hasn't and that she has lived there for 20 yrs with my dad. This has gone on for a few weeks but now she thinks she has 2 husbands and 2 houses but they look the same, we say she hasn't but now gets angry with me and dad (I don't live with mam and dad) , my dad said he can't agree with her because tonight she said she was ready to go home and had packed a bag ...but obviously she is already home , do we just change the subject ? Or should dad drive round the block and come back so she thinks she is going to the other house
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,897
South East
Hi @Sallybutters , welcome to Tp . Sorry you have the need to join us but there is a lot of help and support here . The things you describe are incredibly common sadly . There is a very good piece written Compassionate Communication that is really very helpful but I don’t know how to add it here so hopefully someone will be along soon that can do that . Please have a good look around the site and read some threads , you will find almost every question you have will have been asked and answered somewhere . Take care
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,363
Hi @Sallybutters, and as @Woo2 says welcome to Dementia Talking Point. The thread she mentioned is here.
I think that you should write down all the things that concern you and send it to the doctor as an email. Even though he/she won't be able to discuss your mum with you or your dad at least s/he will see what is concerning you and will hopefully do more than just take your mum's word for it. In 'normal' times I'd be asking for a referral to the local memory clinic, but I'm not sure what sort of service is running at the moment.
On a practical level do you or your dad have Lasting Power of Attorney. It might be worth them both setting one up if you have haven't. The finance one means you will be able to help your dad manage financial matters an the health and welfare one will enable you to make decisions about medical treatment more easily. More information here.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,314
Kent
do we just change the subject ? Or should dad drive round the block and come back so she thinks she is going to the other house
I doubt changing the subject will work @Sallybutters although it`s always worth a try because it`s a case of never say never for people who may have dementia.

The going home episodes if they happen late afternoon or early evening are called sundowning and are very common, even if they happen at other times during the day.


The Thread about Compassionate Communication mentioned by @Woo2 above might help too;


Welcome to the forum . It might help if you try to seek medical advice as soon as possible.

Perhaps you could put your concerns in writing and send it to your mum`s doctor or you or your dad could visit the doctor without your mum and speak to them in confidence.
 
Last edited:

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
761
Hi @Sallybutters, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about the difficulties that Mum is experiencing. Has Mum been checked to ensure she has no underlying infections that can cause increased confusion (e.g. UTI) - a urine test would determine this? If not it may be worth suggesting to the GP.

I think if Mum is worse in the evening (packing a bag etc) then she may well be sun-downing, and I'm afraid logic rarely wins the day in that situation. She will be very anxious and confused and may in turn become quite angry. In my experience you have to find something that works with your Mum. So for example I eventually managed to understand (this was after some considerable time) that my Mum was worried about the 'owners' coming back to her bungalow and I found saying that they wanted Mum to look after the place while they were away eased her fears. Perhaps taking your Mum round the block and back home may work, but maybe something like lets stay here overnight you aren't expected back until tomorrow. There may be something that just works with your Mum to ease her anxiety.

It must be difficult not being able to get a diagnosis too, as that could potentially lead to some form of medication that may help with Mum's agitation. Your Mum will always be in denial with the GP, so it is probably useful for you to keep a diary of events that you can refer back to with the GP if necessary, and as others have said writing to the GP with your concerns will help. I do also agree that getting the Lasting Power of Attorney set up (probably for Dad too) would be a priority. I understand what you and your Dad are going through, it is so difficult to deal with. Stay strong. All the best.
 

Sallybutters

New member
May 31, 2020
6
Thank you all so much for your advice , it is much appreciated. I rang the drs this morning and explained to the receptionist that I felt mam was getting worse in a short space of time, we managed to get bloods and water sample checked on wed , results were all clear. The gp rang me back today , she is referring mam to the memory clinic , this will be done over the phone as there are no face to face appts, I am also getting a consent form sent to me so the Drs will speak to me, the power of attorney will be the next conversation with mam and dad. Thanks again