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worried about respite

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by j.j, Jan 16, 2007.

  1. j.j

    j.j Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    hi thanks again for advice regarding respite, my mam due to go into respite tomorrow and i,m so worried, we were offered this because of late she seemed to be getting worse and it was becoming stressful for my dad and myself(she lives alone but we have cared for her for 6 years), it seemed like the answer to our prayers but when i took her for a visit on saturday she was very suspicious and when she saw the othet people in the day room she said "she would rather be dead than be in there" i know my dad needs the break but i,m churned up because i just feel its going go pear shaped, I,m struggling to find the right answer is it worth upsetting our loved one,s by trying to make them do something they dislike or, well i,m just not sure what the or is, we make such important decisions about their lives its frightening. thanks to tp for listening.
  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi jj
    oh how I agonised over mums first respite stay.....I hated the thought of placing her somewhere where i thought she would possibly be unhappy but for my own sake it had to be done.
    Believe me the second time is easier....
    Let us know how you get on
  3. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Can only hope it'll be OK.

    My mother was OK about her one and only respite placement. But then she was co-operating at that time, and agreed with me it was all right for 12 days.

  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    When my mother went for the first time she was horrified. She said `I`m not staying here. There`re a load of nutters!` She loved it eventually, and we would find her sitting in the porch waiting for the transport at 7.30 a.m.
    Hope it goes well jj.
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I remember the first respite my mother had , it’s the getting there that hard and in the taxi gosh I felt like I needed a drip full of wine to ease my nerves, with all the question complaining. I stayed with her for an hour then left

    you do wonder if its all worth it , but it is , I learn not to tell her till the day before that she was going to respite again, its just that I found the build up of it , if I told her a week before or even a few days that she was going would just upset her more.

    Oh yes my mother would say that also "they all was a bit funny in there" I even found it all sad and strange also, when I saw someone worse them my mother the first time at respite I was tearful, guilty , but the feeling passes because I new she was coming home. All very mix emotion
  6. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    As I have just mentioned on another thread, I abandoned the idea of respite for my husband over two years ago for all the oft-cited reasons. I am now planning to have another go and the above replies are very reassuring and comforting to read. Thank you all.

  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Respite care is what enables carers to keep going in difficult circumstances. Without it the carer may reach the point when they are no longer able to continue and the ship sinks. I know it is difficult but we must consider the well being of those we care for and that means we must be able to continue careing and it is at times like these that we must be practical and think of ourselves.

  8. j.j

    j.j Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    well i took mam today and it all went pear shaped! had to pick her up after 2 hours, is that the shortest respite ever! but would like to add i am pleased we tried it, the home was great,the staff were great, i was very upset yesterday worrying how it would all go but i don,t feel as bad today, mam had forgot all about it after half an hour, we have to try these things to see if they can help us
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Oh dear what went wrong , if you don't mind shareing ? JJ
  10. j.j

    j.j Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    hi, apparantly mam just demanded to go home and stood at the door! they couldn,t divert her to anything else, said it was like a prison and she,d done nothing wrong, now my worry is when i took her home she fused all the sockets by putting water in the wrong place on the kettle, then when i went back with a sandwich at six she was on her way to the pub with four digestive biscuits to pay for a drink, and then got a phone call from a neighbour at ten o clock to say mam was locked out with no coat on and her purse in her hand. when i read that back to myself it sounds awful and i just don,t know what to do, because it has been suggested sectioning her, but i am trying with all my heart to avoid that, its just that she can have a great quality of life during the day enjoying walks, shops,etc but at night it all goes wrong. oh what to do, thanks for listening
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi j.j

    What a worrying situation for you. I'm having similar problems regarding decisions about respite, but it's so much worse for you. At least John is care for 24/7, even if I'm on my knees.

    It certainly sounds as if your mum shouldn't be living alone, and it must be so hard to decide what to do. But I think you have to make that decision, yhou'd feel so much worse if anything happened to your mum while she was on her own.

    If sectioning is the only option, you may have to go down that road, but surely the NH staff should have been able to persuade her to stay? They must be trained for that sort of situation.

    You really need to get SS involved again, and work out a solution. You can't go on with all this worry.

    Best wishes
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi j.j., Sorry the respite didn`t work out.
    When we first tried it with my mother, she used to run away. Once, when a new nurse was coming on duty, my mother met her at the door and said `It`s all right, I`m a visitor, you can let me out`. She was let out in the pouring rain, without a coat, managed to find her way to the main gate, got a bus to the nearest police station, went in and told them she was lost.
    Another time she hailed a taxi, gave them her address and went to her neighbour to borrow the fare.
    Because of her behaviour, no-one would have her, until I spent a day with her as `a fly on the wall`. I managed to settle her and then had very little to do with her all day. I was just there in case of an emergency.
    I admit I was bored to tears but managed to knit and do crosswords etc. to pass the time.
    She did settle eventually, but not without a fight. All I can say is have a word with the carers, see if they can make any suggestions for an easier session in future, and keep persevering.
    It`ll be OK one day. She certainly seems at risk when she`s by herself.
    Love Sylvia x

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