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Worried about my Mum....how much longer can she go on caring for Dad at home?

Merlot22

Registered User
Jul 20, 2015
1
Godalming
Hi There,

My Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease about 8 years ago and is in the later stages. He is still living at home with my Mum but has terrible spacial awareness and so needs lots of support with moving around and prompting to eat etc as well as help with his toilet needs. He attends a day centre two days a week.

My Mum is at breaking point. Yesterday my Dad pooed in the handbasin and on the floor yesterday and then walked the poo into the carpet in the lounge. My Mum has previously been able to direct him to the loo and then leave him to do his business - this time he got up and found the handbasin instead :-( My Mother is 77 years old and Father is 76. He still `knows' who we are and my Mum feels that until the time comes when he doesn't know who she is, she wont be able to let him enter a residential setting. I love my Father, but also am worried sick that my Mum is killing herself with this caring. Has anyone else been in this position? My feeling is that my Mum needs to sign my Dad up for some more Day Centre Days...but she feels guilty because he says he prefers to be with her. He has become so reliant on her that he calls out for constantly. Its like torture treatment!

Would be grateful for any suggestions.
 
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Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,015
West Hertfordshire
Sounds like you mum would cope better if she got a break every now and again. I know you are going to say that she wouldn't entertain the idea of respite for him but.....sell it like its for him, I anything happened to her he wouldn't be able to stay at home, and needs to get used to another place while he still can.

If anything was to happen to her ( been there done it I our case, dad was the carer and died suddenly and unexpectedly leaving mum) Mum was not only widowed - which she didn't understand, she the had to go into residential care ( via hospital admittedly) which again was totally alien to her

Try and convince her to have a break, or at least regular carers. remind her she needs a life too
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,101
Suffolk
When OH first went into respite, I passed it off as my fault. The doc had suggested I had a break cos I wasn't very well (Carers breakdown) but OH wasn't told that bit, and because he wanted for me to keep well, respite was OK. With some people the other way round might be better. But my system worked for us. Second time he went in, no problem, he quite liked it. The third time, different home, he was far advanced and didn't really know what was going on. Three months later, now in final stages. I don't think he really likes it, but I certainly couldn't cope at home.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,950
London
He poo'd in the washbasin? How did he manage that? Peeing, yes, OH does that all the time, and he poos his pants two seconds after he got off the loo producing nothing, then smears it all over the place. It's so very trying, isn't it.

Listen, my OH goes to the day centre five days a week plus gets sitting hours at the weekend, and I am still stressed. He needs supervision with everything. Tell your mum if more day centre days would help her then she should fight to get them. She has to stave off carers breakdown, which will ultimately benefit your dad, so there is no reason to feel guilty.