Worried about my mum but feeling so guilty that I'm sharing my fears

[CrystalWand]

Hi all
I last posted 4 years ago when we were helping to support my mum in law who was suffering dementia following a severe stroke and I had some good advice and wonderful support. Sadly she deteriorated more and more and passed a couple of years ago.
She and my 90 year old mum had become very close over the previous 10 years or so, in fact they were more like sisters than friends. Mum took it very hard and following a recent upset I've come to realise my mum is becoming less and less like the mum I used to know.

She is pretty feisty, has always been independent and on a scale of 1-5 in ability she sits at 1 (or did) and my mum in law sat at 5.
I take her to appointments, help her with financial and medical things and generally support her with buying any bigger things she needs like white goods etc and make and freeze some meals for her to supplement her shopping. I speak to her on the phone every day but last weekend she really upset me when she had a go at me because I was out and couldn't answer the phone straight away (I rang her back within half hour). I was so taken aback by the way she spoke to me that I said I just didn't know what to say, and I felt so upset that I didn't want to see her the following day. However I did and she apologised but the incident has made me look back on the last couple of years and I realise, and am worried, that there are several signs she may be developing dementia and I hadn't realised (or maybe didn't want to acknowledge ? )
I think maybe lockdown and there restrictions on her being able to mix with other residents in the retirement village where she lives have exacerbated things (I realise there must be thousands in the same position ? ) . She seems incredibly anxious now, forgets things we've talked about, is almost always very down when I answer the phone to her (but not so bad when I go to see her), says how lonely she is yet whenever I suggest we find things like a day centre, getting together with neighbours for a coffee and a natter she always has a reason why she doesn't want to do it. She says she feels she's a nuisance and won't even ring a friend or relative for a chat - it's as though she doesn't feel worth it and nothing I can say to reassure her makes difference. If others try to call her she doesn't always answer (sometimes doesn't hear it as her hearing is bad even with aids). When we pick her up for the day it isn't long before she wants to go back home again even though she says she's lonely there. There are other things too but I can no longer make the excuses for them that I have been.

My brother lives abroad and isn't able to do day to day things, he calls her maybe once a week so it's all down to me.

I believe she's been depressed for years but she fights to stay away from any help. She refuses to complete a LPA although she did give her GP permission to discuss things with me. She would so benefit from a little mobility scooter so that she could go on longer walks with us or zip down to her local shop but she sees it as giving in and so refuses.

My hubby is incredibly supportive but we retired early to travel and had planned to move but our lives had to be put on hold because his mum was so ill, and if we go away for just a couple of days now my mum really struggles that I'm not there. I realise the impact it's having on our relationship (I end up starting arguments because I'm so frustrated and can't seem to commit to anything) which would upset her if she knew.

I feel so guilty even thinking let alone writing things down. My head has been all over the place because I felt she was trying to manipulate, make me feel guilty (which I do) but in truth I don't think she is or that she even realises she's doing this and of course I try to stay light and loving whenever I have contact with her because I love her and we have always been good friends too.

I truly don't know what to do any more. I can't give any more and some days I feel so overwhelmed and lost ? and I don't know where to turn. I'm so scared that if I call her GP she'll never forgive me (she's always been anti-meds etc).

Sorry my post is so long

 

[Duggies-girl]

Don't feel guilty, you need to let off steam somewhere or you will end up in a mess. This is all very stressful, been there, done that so I know as do most of the people on here. The lock down is not helping even though things are opening up for most, it is still much the same for those who care for someone else because nothing has changed.

I sympathise with the travel plans because I have spent years planning to travel. Dad died in February and all my plans have gone out of the window for I don't know how long.

You need to get help somewhere before you are completely swamped and if she does have dementia then it is only going to get worse. I am sure that you have the same right of confidentiality from your mums doctor as she does and I know many others on here have requested that their parent is called in for a well woman check or similar. My dads doctor was brilliant about these things and always spoke to me about dad.

You are going to get more replies that are probably more helpful than mine but don't let yourself become overwhelmed because it is no good for you or your mum.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @CrystalWand . Oh this is all sounding so familiar. I looked after my mum for two years after Dad died, while she was still living at home. We muddled along all that time without any formal diagnosis, although I knew that she had dementia. I mentioned it to her doctor later on and he said "let's just give her the support she needs" and left me to it. I'm sure other doctors are rather more helpful! Getting your mum in for a "well woman check" or even a "flu jab" is a good idea from @Duggies-girl . If your mum would be self-funding, you could try sneaking some help in now, so that you can gradually increase that and back off (the old "local girl/s needing work" or "a friend of mine who needs a job" ruse may work.

I managed without any help but it was most of the day, every day, no breaks. I don't regret doing it but I don't recommend it, particularly if it is already impacting on your relationship.

I used to feel I was betraying mum in some way talking about it and didn't for some time but I do regret that now. I didn't seek help or support until it was time for mum to need a care home after a stroke. I do think that your getting some now would be good for you and your mum. Keep posting, as there will be lots of help for you here.

 

[CrystalWand]

Don't feel guilty, you need to let off steam somewhere or you will end up in a mess. This is all very stressful, been there, done that so I know as do most of the people on here. The lock down is not helping even though things are opening up for most, it is still much the same for those who care for someone else because nothing has changed.

I sympathise with the travel plans because I have spent years planning to travel. Dad died in February and all my plans have gone out of the window for I don't know how long.

You need to get help somewhere before you are completely swamped and if she does have dementia then it is only going to get worse. I am sure that you have the same right of confidentiality from your mums doctor as she does and I know many others on here have requested that their parent is called in for a well woman check or similar. My dads doctor was brilliant about these things and always spoke to me about dad.

You are going to get more replies that are probably more helpful than mine but don't let yourself become overwhelmed because it is no good for you or your mum.

Thank you Duggies-girl, you are right I do need to let off steam somewhere. My weeks seem to swing from coping to feeling swamped, the last few days have been ok but then tonight I can't do right and could sit and cry!
I called her surgery for a repeat prescription and they are currently only seeing existing complaints or serious emergency health conditions so it doesn't sound hopeful (how many people are falling through the gaps with routine but real problems?) but I'm going to try and speak to her GP. She would normally have been called for her annual health check but they haven't done so this year, I guess they are leaving it to me to continue monitoring her BP etc

 

[CrystalWand]

Hello @CrystalWand . Oh this is all sounding so familiar. I looked after my mum for two years after Dad died, while she was still living at home. We muddled along all that time without any formal diagnosis, although I knew that she had dementia. I mentioned it to her doctor later on and he said "let's just give her the support she needs" and left me to it. I'm sure other doctors are rather more helpful! Getting your mum in for a "well woman check" or even a "flu jab" is a good idea from @Duggies-girl . If your mum would be self-funding, you could try sneaking some help in now, so that you can gradually increase that and back off (the old "local girl/s needing work" or "a friend of mine who needs a job" ruse may work.

I managed without any help but it was most of the day, every day, no breaks. I don't regret doing it but I don't recommend it, particularly if it is already impacting on your relationship.

I used to feel I was betraying mum in some way talking about it and didn't for some time but I do regret that now. I didn't seek help or support until it was time for mum to need a care home after a stroke. I do think that your getting some now would be good for you and your mum. Keep posting, as there will be lots of help for you here.

Thank you Lemonbalm. I'm quite lucky that she has a carer who goes in for a couple of hours a week. She doesn't do care for her but she does help her with heavier housework. She used to care for my MIL and I know she is very good and mum listens to her so that's a positive. I did persuade her to have a SS check by the council a couple of years back and they provided her with aids like handles in the bathroom so at least she would be on their radar if I needed to get in touch again.
Yes, I really do feel like I'm betraying her, it's so hard to move away from that isn't it?

 

[lemonbalm]

You've done well to get a carer in at all and also to have managed a SS check. I understand that feeling of betrayal but you can say what you like on here, ask anything, have a rant, say exactly how you feel and we will all understand and try to help you along. Think of it as another way of helping your mum.