worried about my family

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Adman, Mar 25, 2005.

  1. Adman

    Adman Registered User

    Mar 25, 2005
    Hay everyone,

    Iv been reading these forums for ages now and iv finally made myself join! It makes me happy in a funny way that i can see other people have the same problems and issues. My problem is that i dont really have anyone to talk to about my Nans condition! I find it hard to talk to my Mum and Dad as they are so involved with my Nans care and when i try to talk to my Grandad who is my Nans primary carer he always changes the subject.

    Im at university away from home at the moment so its not to often i get back to see my Nan. She was heavily involved in my life when i was young and everything i have ever done was to please her and my Grandad. The last time i saw her was Christmas. I knew she had got worse from the last time i had seen her but nothing could have prepared me for what i was about to witness. The once quiet, affectionate, lovely old lady who wouldnt say boo to a goose had turned into a screaming mess who was now swearing and regualy hitting my Grandad.

    Its now easter and im home again so the regular visit to us is happening as i write!! She has deteriated beyong belief and nobody is coping with it especially my Grandad. My Mum is constantly crying as seeing her Mum in this state and not knowing anyones name is obviously hard for her. My Dad does all he can to help but what more can he do than to support my mum!

    The Nursing home converstaion had happened many times but my Grandad, a very proud man wont allow it. The problem with this is that caring for my Nan is literally killing him. Hes always tired and never wants anyone to help him. What can i do or say to change his mind on the matter? Money isnt really an issue and never will be.

    Im sorry for banging on and giving you all the full story its just i dont like to share this with my friends, and havent spoke at any length to anyone else about it either. Im frigtend they wont understand!

    What can i do to help my parents through this and especially what can i do about my Grandad. Its almost as if im more worried about him than my Nan!

    Thank you for listening to m an giving me the oppotunity to get stuff of my chest, i just hope it all makes sense and that others can relate to it/me?!!
  2. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Adman,

    Glad to hear you've joined the forum and, as you say, it helps to see other people having similar problems.

    I can relate to your worrying about your Grandad, just as my sister and I were really concerned about our Mum, who cared for our Dad for several years until a few months ago. He is now in a really good nursing home.

    My sister and I finally persuaded Mum 'just to have a look' at a nursing home when my Dad got to the stage where he was swearing and raising his fist at Mum. It wasn't easy, especially as my sister and I didn't really want to Dad to go either, but we knew Mum might have some kind of breakdown herself if this carried on and we tried to get her to look at the positives of Dad being in a home.

    I believe my Mum simply did not want Dad to live somewhere else without her and especially not in 'one of those places'. She wanted to think she could cope, and couldn't believe anyone else would give my Dad as much care, so I guess it's a good kind of pride. Mum still does lots for him when she visits but now she also has some peace.

    Have you and your family thought about Day Care? Before going into the home, Dad used to go twice a week which at least gave Mum a break. She knew he was being looked after and he had a good time being taken on outings etc.

    Maybe you could talk to your parents (do they know you're on this forum? - what a really nice son/grandson you are). Perhaps they could get some ideas off this forum too. After all, it's the feeling of not being able to do anything about a situation that is so difficult to handle.

    Good luck and best wishes,
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Hi Adman, my advice would be similar to daughter's, how much help is your grandad getting with all this? Day care, regular respites, someone to help get your nan up and to bed. A bath once a week, a night duty, an afternoon off. Does he get any of these? All would help him to cope and could be arranged with the help of their GP, the specialist or S.Services. If he does have this already and there is still a problem, then yes, he probably needs 24/7 help in the form of a home. If he carries on he could become ill himself. Then they could both end up in a home. Sorry to be so blunt, but these are the facts. With love, She. XX
  4. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    Hi Adman,

    I’m also fairly new to posting on this forum, but I can relate to what you described.

    I would certainly echo what others have already said in first making sure that your nan and granddad are getting as much support at the moment as possible. There are lots of possible intermediate steps between your granddad coping single-handed and your nan going into a nursing home. Having the input of the family GP and a social worker (does your nan have a social worker?) can help work out options (day centre, care workers coming in to the home, etc.) to take some of the pressure off your granddad and give your nan a bit more support and stimulation.

    My father-in-law is 84 and my mother-in-law is his full-time carer. He has been showing signs of AD for over a year now (just got a formal diagnosis of dementia in Dec 04) and my mother-in-law has just now accepted social services offer of a care worker coming in for two afternoons a week (giving her time to do things like go grocery shopping). I think she now sees that if her health deteriorates any more, the consequences for both of them will be very serious.

    As far as nursing homes go, I very much agree with daughter’s comment about the possibility of visiting some homes just to get an idea of what they are like. My husband and I did that for the first time yesterday and in a strange way, it helped to see what was on offer. It may be months before we seriously have to consider talking that option over with my mother-in-law (she has always said that she would have to consider this if my father-in-law became physically aggressive), but we don’t want to have to make such a big decision in panic mode (enough of that to go ‘round as it is).

    Take care,

  5. looby97

    looby97 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    Hi Adman

    I agree with everything our friends here have said.

    My Dad is not yet ready for 24/7 Nursing care. However, he is very tiring for my Mum. My sister and I work full time and help when we can. Mum always refused help. She did not want him to go to day care as she felt it would be full of old people left to "vegetate" in chairs. It took dad's CPN to talk very bluntly to Mum and tell her that if she didn't accept help then she herself would become ill and then would not be able to look after Dad. Consequently he would have to go into a home with no choice. Mum accepted this and let him go once a week. The CPN took Mum to see it first and she liked the look of it. The centre is for younger people with dementia so all are around Dad's age with varying stages of the illness.

    Dad now attends the centre three days per week. He is picked up at the door and is apparently the life and soul of the place. They call him the Karaoke king! Twelve months ago he would not let Mum out of his sight, now he is happy to leave her and go to the centre. Mum is now much happier and whilst we still have bad days/weeks she now has a bit of freedom and can go shopping knowing he's not with her and won't wander off.

    I know not all cases are this happy but for the moment my Mum is much more like her old self and now accepts outside help more readily.

    Hope everything works out for you

  6. Marilyn

    Marilyn Registered User

    Feb 24, 2005
    LISTEN to Anita

    Oh Adman you poor love. Listen to what Anita has written. She is very sensible.Dont panic. Sometimes you have to be FIRM.Gentle but firm.YOU yourself can speak with Social Services or the CPN(community pysch.Nurse) & voice your own concerns and worries. Talk to your Mum & explain to her that the time is right now to ask for help.There is so much help out there & all your lives could be a lot easier. Respite care is so very vital if care is to be continued at home. Talk.Talk.Talk. Communication is the key.This Talking Point is a godsend.
    I wish you well. Have courage & be strong.

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