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Worried about my dad and would appreciate advice

miniladyuk

Registered User
Aug 29, 2012
7
0
Hi all
I'm worried about my dad who is 78 years old and becoming more confused quite rapidly.
My mum is 75 and almost housebound, but insists on covering up for my dad...she tells him what to do...and he does it..eventually.
Mum knows dad is getting worse..doesn't understand money (ex businessman) repeats questions, can't remember where things are etc. He also obsesses about things which is very difficult. He has always been quite grumpy and a sulker, but since his memory loss, he is much easier to live with as he isn't as argumentative with my mum.
I managed to get him to give me his car last year (pretended I couldn't afford to run my jag...so now I drive a Honda civic lol) and he is aware that he is forgetful, but mum refuses to approach the issue of dementia with him as she says it would upset him too much.
While I understand her concerns, I would like their GP to know the situation. Mum won't let me ring GP...says dad would be furious if I did...but I worry about how she will cope as things progress.
They never see Dr...only nurse and they always go together. He is very difficult as he will not tolerate being patronised...but it is hard not to when he will ask the same question 10 times in 5 minutes and not remember the answer.
I live 90 min drive away and ring everyday...but not sure what I should be doing...leaving them to it while they manage in their own way...or interfere in the hope that medication etc may help.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I am a health professional and am used to sorting out health related things for them...it hurts that I can't sort this!
Thanks in advance
M
x
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
0
London
Hello minilady, a warm welcome to Talking Point, hope we can help you, please have a telephone consultation with mum and dads GP and I am sure that their GP will be able to do a home visit even if it for "the flu jab" and do an assessment whilst there, you say you are health professional so this must be very difficult for you! But as you will know their GP cannot say you have contacted them(as well as they not being able to talk to you about your parents) may I wish you the best of luck, hopefully other members may be able to help more, please keep posting and let us knw how things are going.

Best wishes. - Chris
 

miniladyuk

Registered User
Aug 29, 2012
7
0
Hi
I'm back again!
Things are carrying on much as before...12 months on...mum still won't have it mentioned to Dr but says she might mention something to nurse when they go for their diabetic blood tests.
I must admit to starting to believe that she is doing the right thing by not broaching the subject with dad as he would be very distressed. I think he would forget the news quickly but totally understand mum not wanting him upset.
He is far worse and deteriorating rapidly...I visit every other weekend at the moment to take mum shopping as dad can't do it anymore and I notice a change for the worse every visit.
It used to be short term memory loss...now he forgets that his sisters are dead...one died over 35 years ago and the other a couple of years ago...he dreams a lot and has difficulty knowing what was a dream and what is real.Mum says he often doesn't know who she is and sometimes thinks she is his sister.Sometimes we can have a totally sensible conversation...about LPA etc and he seems to understand...but 10 minutes later doesn't remember the conversation. Last weekend I'm pretty sure he didn't know who I was...and when I went home was saying "lovely of you to visit, come again any time" which is really odd when it's the house I grew up in!
He can't remember giving me the car and doesn't think my car is anything like his.
He has dreadful broken teeth that he won't get fixed...and when he gets toothache mum has to watch him like a hawk as he forgets he has taken painkillers.
Mum says he is not difficult or aggressive or anything, but is getting upset about his not knowing who we all are.
Sorry to rabbit on...and I know there's probably not much anyone can say...but it's quite therapeutic to write it down.
Thanks for listening
M
x
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,737
0
NeverNeverLand
You seem to me to be doing all the right things. The only suggestion I have is you keep a close eye on how your mother is: she almost seems to be coping too well. The strain on her must be huge.

Can you give her a break in any way? Stay with your dad while she goes on a visit? Take him away for a trip or a visit?

I am sure you are right to be guided by her views - she is the one living with your dad and the one who will live with the consequences of any decisions taken.

They are very fortunate to have your support, you know. I don't know where we'd be without my son.
 

Love&Light

Registered User
Jul 22, 2013
26
0
Hi,

I can relate to so much of what you are saying, and sometimes it is harder to deal with things when your professional background tells your head what you should do and your heart tells you something else.

It is not clear if there has ben any physical checks to see if there are any factors that might be contributing to your dads situation.

My partner has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, and is on a lot of medication to assist with blood pressure, warfrin etc. This obviously does not 'cure' the dementia but assists in preventing further deterioration.

My heart goes out to you all and your mum is clearly holding on as best she can but you all need some support. If things continue you know it will end in a crisis situation.

It is not easy but try your best to talk with your mum and find a way forward to get some help.

Sending you love & light x
 

miniladyuk

Registered User
Aug 29, 2012
7
0
Thanks to both of you for your replies, I really appreciate them x
Mum does open up about how things are,,,usually when I'm pushing her round Morrisons!
She admits that it's getting hard...emotionally with him keep asking about his sisters...upsetting to keep having to tell him they have died as we are a very close family and its hard for mum to keep going through it. Physically dad is much better than mum and does as she tells him lol
I have emphasised that she should hint to nurse about at least getting some bloods done to check anything that is fixable but he has gradually deteriorated since a TIA a few years back so we are pretty sure that something along those lines is the most likely cause.
Mum promises that dad is not difficult and assures me she would tell me if he started getting angry/violent or anything like that. Fortunately he seems to be going the opposite way at the moment.
mum isn't well enough to go anywhere without me, and dad wouldn't be happy without her so I haven't suggested that as I think it would upset them both at the mo...but I keep it in mind :)
I keep telling mum that Doc needs to at least be aware in case they need help...but she insists that they don't need to know as we wouldn't ask for help anyway...and I suspect she is right!
Thanks again for the replies...good to make me think about things
M
x