Worried about mum

Vic.j.d.

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
1
0
Hi, I'm new to this, but feeling very sad about my mum and dad today.
My dad has had a diagnosis of Alzheimer's for about 3 years, this has been brought on however, by years of epileptic seizures, and then a fall from a height which gave him a huge fracture to his skull, and undiagnosed (at the time) brain damage. He is 82, and a lovely gentle man, (most of the time) . He suffers from urinary incontinence, and is extremely deaf. He is quite a well built chap, and my mum is petite, she is 10 years younger than him, but she is becoming increasingly aged with the stress of being dads main carer. I help where I can, but with 4 children and a job, I cannot be there as much as she needs me to be. She has a social worker for dad who has been very helpful in getting a day care placement one day a week, but when dad is 'off his feet' like he is at the moment,(he shuffles, and is liable to fall, and has to be pushed in a wheelchair outside the home) I don't know how much longer mum can cope. Dad has become more aggressive with her recently, especially when she is trying to replace his incontinence pads, and he refuses to have one on. The endless washing she has to do, of clothing and bedding, is really hard for her too. I really want mum to have some quality of life, she has so much she wants to do, and I really feel it's getting to the point that if she has to care for dad much longer, she is going to end up collapsing and dying herself. This is made worse by the guilt of knowing dad will be in a care home and the worry of how that will be for him. I don't know why I'm writing this, just looking for moral support I suppose. Any thoughts would be appreciated. thanks.
 

sweetmole

Registered User
Sep 8, 2012
165
0
Hello and a warm hug from me. I do not have any specific advice as such as I am also a newbie. But I know someone will help soon.

I do have every empathy with you. I have been left dealing with all my mum's care and am close to crumbling. This site has helped enormously.

Hang in there. Many good people on TP
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
0
Hello and welcome to this hole we are all hiding in :D

Your poor Mam and Dad, whatever the future holds, one of them is not going to like it.

You must brace yourself for the choice.

And stick with it.

Me? I would go with carers coming in to do pads.
Your Mam and Dad? They'll say they are managing OK.
Then I would organise Dad going to a day centre,
He will say he doesn't want it and Mam will say she doesn't really need it.

And these arguments will go on,
day in, day out,
Brace yourself.
Do it.
It will happen anyway.
You send them there with love shoved up their sleeves like bangers.
Do it.
I haven't.

;)


Gwen XXX
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

I am so sorry to read your post, and I can understand how worrying this is for you.

You say that your dad has a social worker and I assume he has had a Community Care Assessment This factsheets includes info on an assessment for your mum, as a carer.

If you feel that one day is not enough, in my own opinion, I would ask if its possible to have these days increased. Also, we had sitters come to our own home, so that my FIL could stay in his own chair, but we could go out, perhaps that is also an option.

Here is another link re Respite Care, which may be of interest to you.

My very best wishes to you and I hope you find TP a great source of help and support.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Hi and welcome.

I think you are at the stage when your Mum's welfare is as important, if not more important. than your Fathers. If Mum is struggling and goes under who will look after Dad? He will most certainly then have to go into full time care, he will have no choice. If this decision is made before Mum collapses then they will both be safe and well. We have had many carers on here who have had breakdowns because of the weight of care.

Try to get Mum to understand that dementia is unlike any other illness, it needs so much strength to keep going but eventually a limit is reached where outside care, whether brought into the home or in a care home is needed. Your Dad needs to be safe as does your Mum.

It is not easy and no one should feel guilty that the care is too much. Persuading your Mum she needs help is another hurdle to get over. We carers take some convincing that there is a point when we have to say we need help.

Good luck and keep asking the questions,

Jay