Worried about leaving husband on his own

[Reds]

Hi

My husband has Alzheimer's and when I was out doing important things such as getting a car brake light fixed at a garage he went and knocked on our neighbour's door. He also made an inappropriate joke. Part of his illness seems to be that he wants to constantly joke with anyone but can get him into trouble.

It would be fine for him to talk over the fence if she was in the garden but just not necessary to knock on her door when she is busy. When I discuss it with him, he won't take it seriously and tries to avoid the subject. As I said his inappropriate jokes have got him into trouble before!

I feel as though I should never go out as worried about consequences.

Reds

 

[Beate]

Have you had a carers assessment and a needs assessment for hubby yet? Ring Social Services and ask for one as they can put in place Day Care and sitting services for you so you can go out without worrying as he will always be with someone - and I guess people working in day centres have heard all the jokes before! Also enquire about respite - you do have a right to a life of your own.

 

[Reds]

Have you had a carers assessment and a needs assessment for hubby yet? Ring Social Services and ask for one as they can put in place Day Care and sitting services for you so you can go out without worrying as he will always be with someone - and I guess people working in day centres have heard all the jokes before! Also enquire about respite - you do have a right to a life of your own.

Thanks Beate

He is 62 and feel his illness is not bad enough yet to warrant constant supervision from carers. He does go to day centres which have been great. I wasn't out long, just wish he didn't have the need to go on knock on some ones door when he has been busy just recently. I probably over worry but am worried about him saying something inappropriate to the wrong person and getting himself into trouble or may be forgetting to keep an eye on the house etc

Reds

 

[marionq]

I would do as Beate says as soon as possible. I cannot leave my husband either as he gets lost and will wander if he doesn't see me immediately. I foolishly delayed putting his name on waiting lists last year and we are now well down the list.

 

[Reds]

I would do as Beate says as soon as possible. I cannot leave my husband either as he gets lost and will wander if he doesn't see me immediately. I foolishly delayed putting his name on waiting lists last year and we are now well down the list.

Thanks marionq. Have just replied to Beate and you will see that I am not sure if we are quite at that stage yet. Its more the fact I am a worrier and trying to avoid problems. Least the neighbour knows my husband has Alzheimer's. He once said an inappropriate joke to someone when he worked that brought his job to an end sooner than expected so my anxiety is understandable!

Reds

 

[Beate]

It's not about constant supervision, it's about giving you peace of mind so you can go out for some hours on your own without worrying, and in the meantime OH has someone to talk to which removes the need to knock on the neighbour's door. He could of course always say something inappropriate even when you are with him and in these cases it helps to quietly inform the other person that he has dementia. If you do not want to say it in front of him, print some small cards with "the person you are talking to has dementia and might do or say something inappropriate. Please be kind as he can't help it. Thank you for your understanding." And hand it over discreetly.

 

[Reds]

It's not about constant supervision, it's about giving you peace of mind so you can go out for some hours on your own without worrying, and in the meantime OH has someone to talk to which removes the need to knock on the neighbour's door. He could of course always say something inappropriate even when you are with him and in these cases it helps to quietly inform the other person that he has dementia. If you do not want to say it in front of him, print some small cards with "the person you are talking to has dementia and might do or say something inappropriate. Please be kind as he can't help it. Thank you for your understanding." And hand it over discreetly.

Thanks Beate.

 

[Amber 3]

I have the same problem and always worry if I have to leave my husband on his own for any reason. It does make me feel trapped at times. Beate does give some good advice, and it's something I will have to look into myself in the future...

 

[Reds]

Thanks Amber. Sorry to hear you have the same problem too, it really is such a worry.

Later on I am sure I will need more help with my husband but trying to keep things as normal as possible. His overfriendliness in public is such a nuisance. Know its ok to be friendly but have even had the worry of him walking over to the bus stop just to chat and tell jokes but in an inappropriate way. I am so worried he will get himself into trouble and then of course its me that would have to sort it all out and I have had enough stress already.

Reds

 

[marionq]

I don't know how easy it is in your area to get daycare but I would make inquiries so that if there is a waiting period you have his name down. You can always say not yet if his turn comes but you are still not ready to take up the offer. I wish I had done that!

 

[Sue J]

Reds, please forgive me if I speak out of turn, whenever I read your posts I really feel for you as you seem to lack effective support, NOT your fault. Your husband, doesn't, because he can't cooperate but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything to accommodate all of his needs without considering your own. No, he doesn't want to go to daycare, he may never want to go to daycare but YOU need him to go to daycare. Someone needs to tell him, not you, a Dr, SW, but someone else who recognizes this is vital for you which in the longer term is vital for him too. Please get that carer's assessment done and don't be led by what your husband wants but by what you need.

Thinking of you, take care
Love
Sue

 

[Reds]

Thanks everyone for replies and encouragement! This forum has been of great support. My husband has childlike behaviour and so it is difficult to communicate at times and I still find it hard to believe. Its a pity we all have to go searching for what other help is available! Know have to be sensible to cope with the future and advice on here is appreciated, will always bear it in mind.

Thanks again. Reds

 

[Amber 3]

Thanks Amber. Sorry to hear you have the same problem too, it really is such a worry.

Later on I am sure I will need more help with my husband but trying to keep things as normal as possible. His overfriendliness in public is such a nuisance. Know its ok to be friendly but have even had the worry of him walking over to the bus stop just to chat and tell jokes but in an inappropriate way. I am so worried he will get himself into trouble and then of course its me that would have to sort it all out and I have had enough stress already.

Reds

My husband is overfriendly in public as well. Sometimes I take him in to Sainsbury's with me, (so he doesn't escape from the car !!!) When we get to the checkouts he always says to the checkout girsl, "You have been here a few years haven't you ? Of course the checkout people don't know there is a problem and start chatting away, much to the annoyance of the long queue behind us ! If you didn't laugh you would cry!

 

[Reds]

Thanks Amber. I have banned taking my husband to a supermarket because the last time I did he sang a song that he made up extremely loudly at the cash out and I have told him time and again I don't like it. Plus hate him giving out our private details to people we don't know such as ages, where we live etc and telling repetitive stories that are not quite right.

Hope things don't get too bad for you.

Reds

 

[LYN T]

My OH used to wander off in supermarkets. The only time that I didn't wonder where he was was Xmas time 2012. They were playing piped Xmas music. He started to sing and dance-I just had to find the biggest crowd and he was there. Priceless! I know what you mean about inappropriate behaviour-but give the rent a crowd credit-they all had a smile on their faces.

I'm glad your neighbour knows about your OH's Dementia, but I do agree that daycare should be an option for you to have time to yourself.

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Reds]

My OH used to wander off in supermarkets. The only time that I didn't wonder where he was was Xmas time 2012. They were playing piped Xmas music. He started to sing and dance-I just had to find the biggest crowd and he was there. Priceless! I know what you mean about inappropriate behaviour-but give the rent a crowd credit-they all had a smile on their faces.

I'm glad your neighbour knows about your OH's Dementia, but I do agree that daycare should be an option for you to have time to yourself.

Take care

Lyn T XX

Thanks Lyn T