My mum has vascular dementia she has had it 10 years and dose not remember things we tell her my dad has cancer and has not been coping well he’s been in and out of hospital for the last 12months I was staying at night so he could get some rest as she was having falls and didn’t remember my dad was ill and expected my dad to do everything for her we pup mum into respite 8 weeks ago with a view to staying permanently and she is now getting upset and wanting to come home always crying saying she should be at home looking after him but we have tried to explain she can’t do the cooking and cleaning as she is also not mobile but is adamant she is coming home and the home are saying she is getting de stressed and we are having to go to the home to Carmel her down I don’t know what to do she has a social worker who said your husband is not well and you are best to stay hear but she gets upset saying I need to be with him
Worried about both parents
- Thread starter Commi
- Start date
Hullo and welcome to the forum @Commi. So hard for you looking after your dad and your mum. Sadly, people with dementia don't listen to reason and when your mum is missing your dad as well as confused and in denial.
Sorry, if the care home and social worker are struggling too I have nothing to offer by way of advice, but there are many here with more experience of your situation who can help and support.
Sorry, if the care home and social worker are struggling too I have nothing to offer by way of advice, but there are many here with more experience of your situation who can help and support.
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Commi
What an awful situation for you and your parents. I agree it wouldn’t work well for her to be home unable to look after herself or your dad whatever she thinks. But the carers at the carehome shouldn’t be calling you and asking you to calm her down you have enough stress to deal with. Have you discussed strategies with them to,a age your mum’s distress without involving you?
What an awful situation for you and your parents. I agree it wouldn’t work well for her to be home unable to look after herself or your dad whatever she thinks. But the carers at the carehome shouldn’t be calling you and asking you to calm her down you have enough stress to deal with. Have you discussed strategies with them to,a age your mum’s distress without involving you?
Hello @Commi
When my husband wanted to `go home` when he was first in residential care I told him the doctor wanted him to build up his strength so he would be well enough.
Do you think this would work with your mum? Perhaps you could get the care staff to go along with this too if you think it would work.
When my husband wanted to `go home` when he was first in residential care I told him the doctor wanted him to build up his strength so he would be well enough.
Do you think this would work with your mum? Perhaps you could get the care staff to go along with this too if you think it would work.
hello @Commi
welcome from me too
might you fib to your mum a little ... eg tell her your dad has had to go back into hospital for a check up and the hospital have asked that he rest so you're not visiting at the moment, and she's best staying in this lovely rest home so he doesn't worry about her ... say you are just sending him cards to read ... then help her write a card ... even give her a card from your dad (you can write/type it if he's not able) ... or anything else that she may accept
and I agree that the staff should not be contacting you ... maybe ask for a review of her meds to see if something may help her settle
welcome from me too
might you fib to your mum a little ... eg tell her your dad has had to go back into hospital for a check up and the hospital have asked that he rest so you're not visiting at the moment, and she's best staying in this lovely rest home so he doesn't worry about her ... say you are just sending him cards to read ... then help her write a card ... even give her a card from your dad (you can write/type it if he's not able) ... or anything else that she may accept
and I agree that the staff should not be contacting you ... maybe ask for a review of her meds to see if something may help her settle
Your situation Commi is almost exactly the same as mine, except my mum only went into ’emergency’ respite on Friday as my dad was admitted to hospital on Thursday night with fluid on the lungs.
My mum was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks over Christmas. I had to work really hard to ensure the hospital didn’t send her home without a care plan. Up to then they have been really happy that my 87 year old dad is willing to pick up the pieces. However, it all got too much as I knew it would and came to a hiatus as I have described above.
i visited my mum yesterday. The Home is lovely and mum is calm and just as bewildered and confused but in warm, clean bright surroundings with 24/7 care from trained professionals with time and energy. My dad was worn down. He is secretly pleased the matter of going into a home was taken out of his hands. There is no way my mum can go back home to deteriorate further, whilst at the same time dragging my dad with her. When he had a heart attack a few years ago and I brought him home she just shouted at him for leaving her. It is so, so sad.
My mum was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks over Christmas. I had to work really hard to ensure the hospital didn’t send her home without a care plan. Up to then they have been really happy that my 87 year old dad is willing to pick up the pieces. However, it all got too much as I knew it would and came to a hiatus as I have described above.
i visited my mum yesterday. The Home is lovely and mum is calm and just as bewildered and confused but in warm, clean bright surroundings with 24/7 care from trained professionals with time and energy. My dad was worn down. He is secretly pleased the matter of going into a home was taken out of his hands. There is no way my mum can go back home to deteriorate further, whilst at the same time dragging my dad with her. When he had a heart attack a few years ago and I brought him home she just shouted at him for leaving her. It is so, so sad.
