1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. nitalk

    nitalk Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    4
    My mother's dementia has, in the last few weeks, taken a turn for the worse. Since my father died about 10 years ago I have been in the first instance the person who came into her home, provided conversational stimulus, drove her to appointments, shopping locations, etc., and generally was the person who simply WAS THERE for her. She has been financially very generous to me and was so grateful for my presence, which is still twice daily every day.

    In the last few months or so, things have taken a distinct downward turn. One of my brothers has really stepped up to the plate to help as her personal hygiene has become poor and her cognitive functions have declined, but she has now taken a raging dislike to me, using foul and abusive language to and about me at every turn; has accused me of imprisoning, poisoning and attempting to kill her; and will now not take food from me because, she claims colourfully, that my hands are dirty from having contact with prostitutes, including, she states, my lovely girlfriend.

    We are in contact with social services, her GP and a consultant geriatrician, but my hope for posting here is that someone with a similar experience can help with a strategy for dealing with this unpleasantness, or is it just something I will have to learn to deal with by not reacting and seeing it as the fault of the disease and not the person, difficult though that is as I am now Public Enemy No 1?
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,212
    Merseyside
    I'm public enemy no1 with my dad & we were always close.
    From reading threads on here it's actually very common for family members to be accused of all sorts.
     
  3. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    #3 Mrsbusy, Nov 16, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2015
    I'm afraid most of the other people on here have received nasty hurtful comments, accused of things some of which are bizarre. Unfortunately it is the disease and not the person. However, this doesn't make it any easier to take or understand of course.

    I presume you are still visiting the same amount? Could your brother replace your visits one day, and you do every other maybe? How about getting carers in, may not help depends on the carer if they can handle her, or if your mother allows them in.

    Other people when they have visited the person in a care home once the person starts the insults etc, make a point of saying I think I will leave as you obviously not in a good mood today and walk out! Then maybe try the next day or leave it longer if possible, phone if you want, but eventually she could realise that you mean it.


    Another suggestion is mention it to her GP as medication may help her with the agitation and anger she feels by the sound of it. It maybe just a decline as this happens but has she been checked for a urine infection as personality can change with that too. I suggest your brother approaches the subject as he sorts out the hygiene, and see if he can get a sample to doctor, or a visit to doctor anyway.


    Another approach about the comments is to reply, if that's what you think. Or just change the subject, offer a cup of tea or say about the weather.

    Sad as it us as well as hard to endure, you must try to build a shell round yourself in respect of comments and not let them get to you as they are very soul destroying. Most strangers will be met with a smile and pleasant person but people close to them get abuse, in some ways it's a back handed compliment as she sees you as a person she doesn't have to put a front on for. I know you wish she would of course.

    Maybe try to step back a bit, don't put yourself in the line of fire do often but you must stick to your guns and if you say I'm leaving if you are in that mood again, do so.

    Good luck. Welcome to TP by the way, I'm sure we will get to know you over time with this disease we all endure with our loved ones.
     
  4. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    441
    I have always had a strained relationship with my difficult distant selfish and uncaring mother. My brother has always been her favourite but has never visited or called in over 3 years and only wants her money.
    Her level of hatred towards me can change week to week, and is especially bad the weeks I have seen her more due to hospital appts etc. I try not to let it upset me or snap back, but it difficult and she seems to be only satisfied when I get upset.
     

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