1. cooky96

    cooky96 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    Hi Everyone.i have been a member on here for a while, but I have never written anything.But thought I would today.Just be nice to get your views.

    My 90 year old dad has had alzheimers for over three years.(thinking about it I think he has had it longer but it was easier to deal with).I live with him and my son(who has social anxiety disorder and hardly goes out of his bedroom).Mainly due to the fact now because is scared of his granddad shouting at him for stealing his money/curtain hooks/catapult/hoe so many things.As dad has got worse in the last few months with his paranoia and constant mood swings, my son has got increasingly down and depressed.Things kicked off two weeks ago really badly and Josh just lost it with Grandad and so did I..Nothing physical.but we both ended up shouting at dad..Basically we were all screaming at each other..and resolving nothing.As, as you know someone with alzheimers is always right in whatever they are saying..

    Anyway, to cut a long story short, the next day I rang dads social worker and said if something isn't done I have got that low im thinking of taking my own life.And funny after that things started moving(up till now he hasn't reached the criteria,whatever that is).She managed to get respite for dad for two weeks at a local care home..He has settled really well..And they are lovely to him.

    Things are soo much better at home.My son has relaxed,he seems happierI have relaxed, my eczema has cleared up,Im sleeping better.Im not so zonked out at work.We both can laugh again.So I rang his social worker and asked her if dad could stay in the care home for full time.Has he is happy, he doesn't talk about taking his own life now, which he was constantly saying at home.and he is getting 24/7 care which I think he needs..Well she is giving him another week in respite and then he has to come home.I don't think he is fit enough now, they have upped his parnonia drugs, which is making him wobbly and he has fallen twice since being in the care home.She said he has behaved really well to.and has had no vicious outbursts.Basically making me feel like a complete fraud.And to put the cherry on the cake.He had a mental health assessment today and got 23/30..better then he has had for the last two years..How the hell that happened I don't know..I saw him last night and he could hardly string a sentence together..Does anybody else think the MH assessments are rubbish?.They need to do a practical assessment as he struggles to do even minor things like switch lights on now and open doors..I know funding has a lot to do with Social Services not being able to offer CH places to dementia patients until they are really ill.(I think dad is by the way).but what about the carers rights..I suppose I should be grateful for three weeks respite .Alot of people don't even get that do they.

    Sorry for the rant.there is so many people worse off them me on here.Just feel so fed up and worn out..xxx
  2. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Cooky, no one can force anyone to care for another adult. If you and your son have reached the end of the caring road, you do not have to care for your father again. If you truly feel you have reached the end (and it sounds to me as though you have) tell your dad's social worker that you cannot and will not have him back at home.

    If it works like it works in my father's area, it is probably perfectly true that your dad can't stay in that particular home, but that's because it is a dedicated respite home, and respite homes do not have any permanent residents (as I say, if your area works like mine). It doesn't mean that your father can't go to a different home.
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Dear Cooky

    I agree with the previous poster. Please, please make it clear to the social worker that
    A) your dad needs 24/7 care
    B) he is so much better when receiving it
    C) you cannot carry on trying to provide the care your dad needs.

    As Tara says, it seems that you really have done everything you can. You have other responsibilities, including your son and your job ( plus you are entitled to a social life!), and you simply cannot provide the care your dad needs. When you speak to the SW, try to remember how you felt when dad was at home, when you felt so desperate. Put that across to her as best you can. Stay strong. You are doing this for your dad, your son and yourself.

    All the best.

    Lindy xx
  4. Kitch

    Kitch Registered User

    Mar 8, 2015
    Hi Cooky , you were lucky to have the help of a social worker , my mother and I have looked after my Dad for 7 years with no help at all , he then became very poorly and ended up in hospital for 4 weeks which has really put Dad back so badly we couldn't cope when he came home . We got to crisis point , called for emergency care for respite ...... After a week the care co-ordinator found a "spot bed " and said I suggest you take it ! I said we would look first and a good job we did ! It was awful ! The smell knocked you off your feet , it was dark and dingy and not that clean either !! So I had to find some where myself and it seems to me that there isn't much help and support even in a crisis . Mum and I can't manage Dad anymore at home , mum isn't well and I'm self employed widow , I lost my husband 11 years ago and I just can't sustain the care I've been doing . In a very short time dad who was smart, clean , well shaven and going to the loo , is now not shaving because it will cut him , incontinent , won't wash , not eating and taken to his bed . It's so so sad to see him like this , we have 3 weeks respite , one week gone already and I have to find a suitable home to take him , the co- ordinator is on holiday till next week and the one who stepped in all be it brief asked me if my husband would go with me to look at the homes !!! Don't they read the notes !! It's just best I do it myself .
  5. joggyb

    joggyb Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    As others have said, stand your ground - you cannot be made to take your father back, or to look after him. Tell SS you've had enough, you cannot and won't take care of him any more, and that - without help - you consider him to be a vulnerable elderly person who is at risk. Keywords like these should be a trigger to make them act.
  6. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    If your son is happier, then it seems clear as day to me. Don't let them guilt-trip you or 'bully' you. Tell them you're taking contemporaneous notes of all conversations. (And take them.)
  7. cooky96

    cooky96 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    Oh my god Kitch, Im so sorry for what you have had to put up..You are in a horrendous situation.I shall count myself lucky then that dad has a social worker.and gets regular mental health assessments.I have had to push everything I have got from them though.Unless you get on the radar with mental health/social services/doctors.(I managed to see his doctor on her own(3 times) without dad being there after I signed something like a confidentiality agreement).Im not a pushy person at all.I hate causing fuss.and dislike confrontation of any kind.My son and I have coped with the situation for years..I have partner too who I have know for 2 years.Before this week(when he was finally introduced to my son)..he has only set foot in the house once..As dad after they met kept on saying he was going to take all my money and my house, and he put the guilt trip on me for having a man all the time.I just couldn't handle those particular angry outbursts, so we have only been seeing each other when I went go up to his house..Maybe once a week if Im very lucky..and then I am worried constantly if something was kicking off at home.I just lie where I am going all the time..and dad has forgotten I have met anyone.This guy has been absolutely amazing, and is so patient with me.He is the best.

    Thanks everyone else for you views.They have all really helped me loads.and it means a lot you have took the time to reply.I have a meeting with dads social worker on Wednesday..My son is going to be there too and my other half(he is brilliant at putting his point across where I am hopeless and end up crying.He is going to say how its affected me mentally and physically)And my next door neighbour (she has the brunt of dads obsessions and moodswings too and she is 75.).Maybe it might help that we have the meeting,although the social worker did say she wants him to come home whatever..

    We shall see eh...
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Can I ask - is this your house or your father's? Because if it's yours, there is no question that you have the right to refuse to have him back. If your father owns the house, it might be more difficult, but not impossible.
  9. cooky96

    cooky96 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    It is completely in my name now..I have lived here all my life..Its a long story and I wont bore you with the details:) but I brought it off the council in 1990.with my ex husband/my mum/my dad.When I split up with my ex.I managed to get him off the deeds..so there was 3 of us that owned on the house.When my mum died 3 years ago.Dad and I were left.At the end of 2013 dad decided he wanted me to own the house outright.He said I was going to get it anyway.and it would be easier when he passes away.His dementia wasn't that bad then either, and.So yes the house is completely in my name..What worries me is if the council sees this (that house was only passed to me in 2013/14).they are going to think I did it on purpose so I don't have to cover care homes fees..Which is completely not true.
  10. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    You own the house, you can't be made to care for your dad. Stick to your guns. They will put a lot of pressure on you but nobody can be made to care for another adult. Your son has to come first
  11. cooky96

    cooky96 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    Thank you everyone..Im a having sleepless nights ,thinking about the visit from the SW on Wednesday.Im hoping I can be strong enough to convince her he needs to stay in the CH..Like I said before I hate confrontation of any kind.But she needs realise its in his best interest that he stays there.For him/my son and myself..
  12. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Please don't worry about the house situation. Even if you both still owned it then his half could still not be sold without you agreeing. Therefore it would be worth zero. So bottom line is that you have avidly telly nothing to fear. If the social services try it on then don't worry. That is all they can do, this is not deprivation of assets.
    Just try and rest over this one and ask on here if you need any further clarification. People on here will put links up etc so you can fight your corner on that score of needed.

    As for your dad now, he is less aggressive as he is being cared for by people who are trained and experienced with people who suffer dementia. He is happier there and you are happier as a result of removing the burdon of 24/7 care and having some space. Don't be bullied into moving backwards. X
  13. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Cooky, you don't need to convince her. All you need to do is say that you can't care for him any more, and don't let her bully you into backing down.

    Good luck in staying strong.
  14. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    How about not going to that meeting at all? You could email the SW to say you are sorry, but you cannot have him back home and so there is no point in discussing the matter. I know it sounds a bit drastic, but it would avoid any attempts to bully or guilt-trip you into backing down.
  15. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    I agree with you Cooky that the MH tests don't reflect what life is really like for/with a dementia sufferer, my mum scored quite well which made dad and me feel as if we were just moaning minnies, yet it didn't take into account that she would put the electic kettle on the hob, lay a table with saucers and raw potatoes for lunch, constantly try to go home, wherever that was, and a host of other things. So don't worry, I would completely ignore the score, it is meaningless when it comes to real life.

    Mum was also very aggressive and nasty, but only to us. The carers who came twice a week had no problems with her.......for the first three months. Then she started randomly attacking them too. So your dad's behaviour change in care may be a similar thing. However, if he has had an increase of antipsychotic medication it may be that he is now too zonked out to be aggressive, but as you say, it makes it more risky for him as he may fall over more and need more physical assistance.

    You should not have him home unless you want to. Just keep saying no. And think of all of us in there with you saying no too, we are right behind you, you are not alone.
  16. cooky96

    cooky96 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2013
    Thanks everyone for your support.Well that was an emotional meeting.Phew..The SS was hard work..and at one point she even said 'im not here to get emotionally blackmailed'!!..But I think she thawed when my son, (who I am so proud of),said how grandad is making him feel.The fact that granddad barges into his bedroom when Josh is asleep and looks for the things he has 'stolen'.and starts shouting at him.and the fact that my son jumped off the bathroom roof to get away from him.Cos he was scared of him.and the constant sniping and belittling of him and me..She kept saying he doesn't reach the criteria for full time care..As he selfcares himself there..completely not true.. it takes him 3 hours to get up and dressed in the morning.And he wouldn't let me or anyone help him do it, and we get shouted at for it if we do.He was even putting hard skin remover on his willy.(don't ask:).Also he has become incontinent.(he cant remember when he got to go to the loo).So he always wets himself.He shouts at me for that.I did buy him pads but he still was very angry..I know its soo much to do with frustration on his part.He was incredibly able proud man.and it must be so scary and upsetting for him.And both Josh and I have both been very patient and respectful of him.But when your constantly being shouted at.Your coping mechianism just goes doesn't it.

    The SS said in the end..Basically you are going to make him homeless then..That hit home I can tell you.She also said its up to you to tell him that you don't want him home..So I went straight after the meeting.and told him very gently.At first he wasn't happy.but said 'oh well.I will stay in a bit longer'.Then he forgot again.and asked when he was coming home.so I told him again,then he wasn't happy at all..But I have spoken to the staff there.Who are so lovely.They have all said how he has flourished ..He has even got a ladyfriend he talks to all the time too..How do you think I should play it?..I was intending to go in everyday for a while and keep telling him he is staying longer.so it gets in his brain.Just want him to be happy..I have so much guilt.I know my dad, and if he did come home..He would go back to being spiteful and mean again.and talk about taking his own life again..and we would be back to square one.Now when I see him.we are actually talking.(I know about the same thing everytime but still, bless him).but I feel like I have a relationship back with him..
  17. rollercoasters

    rollercoasters Registered User

    Apr 7, 2015
    Do not feel a fraud and stand your ground
    My mum had carers in that were wonderful but my point was what about when mum was on her own.Sadly mum had a fall just after the carer left and i found on the floor.called the ambulance although she was not hurt i knew that mum needed more help that i could give,we then had a 2hr stand off the ambulance crew did not want to take her to hospital the on call doctor would not come out and adult social services could not help as it a sunday.In the end they took her to hospital ,had heated argument
    with social services who wanted to send her home until i pointed out that she was unstable not eating drinking and aggressive,
    They then decided after various meetings and tears that she needed to go into nursing home.all i can say it is a battle but you know your mum better than the box tickers,do what you think is right and do not listen to the do gooders who are happy to tell you that home is better and never feel a fraud or guilty
  18. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Sorry - you had a social worker complain about 'emotional blackmail' who then said you were making your father 'homeless'??!! :mad: That's totally unprofessional and manipulative and passive aggressive in my book. Stand your ground, girl.
  19. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

  20. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    Thirded. Dreadfully unprofessional. It shows that her focus is just on bullying you into keeping going, to save their budget.

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