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Wondering what happens next

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Hello again all,

Not much to report but just had a question about top up fees. The social worker called yesterday and said that my nan could stay where she is but there would be a top up fee of £45 per week that me and / or my mom would have to pay. We can't afford this so the SW said she'll ask if they will waiver it but I'm not hopeful. I was just wondering if all care homes will ask for a top up fee? We honestly can't afford to pay anything so I'm worried about what will happen to my nan. I'm sick of feeling punished for being poor :( My nan said to me the other month she thought everything would be taken care of because she'd worked all of her life, it was sad to have to break the reality to her...
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
561
Hello @facline

My mum is self funding and I know that her care home doesn't accept anyone unless they are either self funding or can top up the local authority fees. however, not all care homes ask for top up fees.

This link might help you.

 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Hello @facline

My mum is self funding and I know that her care home doesn't accept anyone unless they are either self funding or can top up the local authority fees. however, not all care homes ask for top up fees.

This link might help you.

Thank you @lemonbalm x

I'm so angry at my aunt - if she wasn't ignoring us she could easily afford to pay the current rate. She's fine to send my nan loads of chocolate each week (which she can't eat!) but want any real help and she's useless.
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
My mom just thought of something - my nan made her a joint account holder so that any money in her account could be used for emergencies. Could the top up fee come out of that or will they be using what little "savings" she has to pay for the nursing home anyway? Have just mentioned this to the SW...
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Hello again all - just a quick question.

My nan is due to move to her long-term nursing home this week however the EAB home she's in currently was shut down to visitors by the council on Monday due to their infection rate rising. We had planned to go and visit so we could gather the clothes and other belongings she had there and take them to the new home - I don't think we'll be able to do this now.

Just wondering if anyone can tell me if the temporary home would have to send on her belongings to the new home under these circumstances? Also what should we do about missing items of clothing - I know there will be quite a few items missing as fewer and fewer items were in her wardrobe as the visits went on!
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Hi again all, just coming here to vent after a horrible phone call with my nan just now.

She moved to her long-term nursing home last Friday and was put on a memory unit in the home, with the unit being overseen by a mental health nurse. I have spoken with two nurses about how she's doing so far, both of whom said she was doing well and settling in. However this afternoon one of the nurses put her on the phone and she was crying, distressed and angry. When I told her that she was now in her permanent home she started crying out "no no no!" which was horrible. I feel so guilty. I just wanted to help. She says that she feels lied to and that no one is being honest with her and not giving her all the information (I've been telling her everything I can - I think she was more referring to doctors etc.). She asked why her daughters don't care about her anymore - I reminded her that my mom had been visiting every week and told her that our last visit was cancelled due to a new lockdown. She said she will be "getting better" and when she's better she plans to "just walk out" and she doesn't understand why she isn't at home. I told her I was going to drop more clothes off for her but she said she'll just put them in the bin.

Me and my mom have got a Skype call scheduled with her tomorrow which I'm nervous about as if my nan is distressed my mom will be too. I just don't know what to do. I just wanted her to get the help and care she needed. What can I do to minimise distress from afar?
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,758
Nottinghamshire
Now is the time for love lies @facline . Tell your Nan whatever you think she will accept as being a reason to stay where she is “til she’s better” or “convalescence “ or until her house is mended...
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,391
South coast
Your nan is not able to understand the reality of her situation now @facline
When that happens, but they still want answers, telling the truth will not work, because it doesnt fit in with their understand and they think you are lying.

What you have to do is give them an answer that makes sense to them, even if it is not strictly true. If your nan thinks she is getting better, then go with that. I never told my mum she would be staying in the home permnantly - I told her she was convalescing and she could go home when the doctor said.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
561
Hello @facline . Sorry to hear about your call. I'm afraid this is very common when someone has recently moved into a new home. To be honest, I am still telling my mum, after three years in care, that she is there to be looked after for a while because she's been a bit poorly, that I've booked her room for a bit longer, so she can be looked after while she gets better, everything is paid for so no need to worry, it includes all the food, laundry, cleaning, isn't that nice.

If the nurses say that nan is doing well and settling in, then she is!

You and your mum will need to try your best to be cheerful during the Skype call but it is likely that your nan will be distressed by it at this point. I had to abandon my first Skype call with my mum because it was just too confusing and upsetting for her, and I haven't tried it again. If it doesn't go well, just cut it short and say that you will see her soon.

I suggest sending cards and little gifts by post for a while if calls don't work and just check how she is with the nurses. Once your nan has been there for a while, she will hopefully be much more settled. This is a very difficult part of the process, so keep posting and tell us how things are going.
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Thank you so much for your words, @lemonbalm, @canary and @Bunpoots. I'll try my best to take your advice and tell small lies to make things better for her - I had been trying to tell her the reality of what was happening, especially as the social worker said her capacity was fluctuating, but I don't think it was helping or working anyway. What a truly awful thing this disease is :(

I've got to drop some more clothes to her as soon as the labels are ready so I was thinking about putting a few items in a box for her to give some comfort - her favourite blanket, old photos, photos of the cat, biscuits and her Frankie Vaughan signed record!
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,088
Dorset
If it is something irreplaceable like the Frankie Vaughan record don’t send it in to the Care home or it will get “lost“ or broken!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,391
South coast
If it is something irreplaceable like the Frankie Vaughan record don’t send it in to the Care home or it will get “lost“ or broken!
I absolutely agree. people with dementia often have very fluid notions of ownership and they tend to be in and out of each others rooms. Its no good getting upset about it, though, just label absolutely everything and dont send in anything valuable, irreplaceable or of high sentimental value.

Scan old photos and print them, putting them in frames that dont have glass and make sure any jewellery she has is costume jewellery only - dont send her with her engagement and eternity rings! A fleecy blanket for the bed is good. She might like a cuddly toy. My mum had a large white rabbit soft toy (she used to keep rabbits) which she used to pet and talk to as if it were real (I labelled that too). I also put in a (not expensive) pottery vase and a couple ornaments that mum liked, but didnt matter too much if they got broken.

Another thing to mention is that clothes get washed in industrial washers at high temperatures (for hygiene reasons), so dont send in clothes that will shrink, or need special washing.
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
Thank you for your advice, @Banjomansmate and @canary! I had wondered if it was a bad idea to send something like that...! She currently has one photo frame (unless it's already gone missing in the transfer - most of her clothes seem to have) which is glass - didn't even consider the issues there so will get that replaced ASAP. We were thinking about getting her one of those moving cats so if we do, I'll make sure I label that too!
 

facline

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
33
Birmingham
The Skype call went okay yesterday - my nan was distressed and panicking when we first started, telling us about something awful that had happened last night involving my mom (a delusion), she also didn't realise my mom was sat next to me and mistook her for my aunt. The carer with her was great and calmed her down and kept telling her that everything was fine and that the daughter in question was on the screen talking to her! We chatted for about 10 minutes before she said she wanted to go back to the lounge which I was reassured by - she must like it there?
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
701
A nice thing for care home rooms is to have photos, that you upload to a site as files, printed onto fleecy blankets or cushions. Mummy had a whole bed set with her grandchildren on. She enjoyed getting it (kissing the pictures) and the staff often made up her bed with it, which was a nice reminder for all and sparked questions to her about her family. Fleece blankets boil wash pretty well too.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
220
A nice thing for care home rooms is to have photos, that you upload to a site as files, printed onto fleecy blankets or cushions. Mummy had a whole bed set with her grandchildren on. She enjoyed getting it (kissing the pictures) and the staff often made up her bed with it, which was a nice reminder for all and sparked questions to her about her family. Fleece blankets boil wash pretty well too.
I think it is allowed to tell us about useful services so I would appreciate knowing about that site as my mother has her birthday in a few weeks and something of that sort would make a nice present. It is very hard to buy gifts for someone in a care home, she wouldn't appreciate a technical gadget!
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
701
I think it is allowed to tell us about useful services so I would appreciate knowing about that site as my mother has her birthday in a few weeks and something of that sort would make a nice present. It is very hard to buy gifts for someone in a care home, she wouldn't appreciate a technical gadget!
OK, well my sister bought the gift, in France, where they live. I have therefore given the link here -
to a similar looking site in the UK - the blankets look very much the same, except of course for the photos. I am not endorsing this site as I haven't used it, but the costs look about the same.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
220
OK, well my sister bought the gift, in France, where they live. I have therefore given the link here -
to a similar looking site in the UK - the blankets look very much the same, except of course for the photos. I am not endorsing this site as I haven't used it, but the costs look about the same.
Thank you very much for that, very useful.