Wits'end and struggling this week

[Gwyneth]

For some reason, this has been a rough week. My husband's mood swings are quite difficult to cope with and leave me drained as they come out of the blue. He is awkward, sneers or laughs when I say something that isn't funny and as hard as I try, it is lowering my self esteem and catching me out big time. He flares up when I suggest something to be done and ticks me off for being bossy, but next minute wants to know what to do to help. He had dementia blood tests last week and another CT scan booked for next week. His blood showed raised sodium levels so told to drink more water. When I gave him a glass he wanted to know why. No memory of what the Dr said. He can also be quite aggressive and scornful when he sees me shaken by his outbursts. When I try to calm him down and point out that we have neighbours etc, he says he couldnt care less and uses the f word. This is so out of character for someone who has always been such a gentleman but guess it so in character with dementia. Any shared thoughts on this? Just feeling a bit pickled today!

 

[nae sporran]

Not much to advise Gwyneth, sorry.

There have been times recently when OH has left me feeling a bit useless and undervalued. She has a habit of laughing when she is embarrassed at her own inability to grasp what is going on. What you are describing is beyond anything I have experienced though, so best I can do is wish you well and hope you can get out for half an hour or so just to clear your head. I don't know if respite is an option, OH is so attached to me I doubt I could do it, but you may wish to enquire about it.

Very best wishes to you both in a difficult situation.

 

[keegan2]

My other half has been very moody last couple of days and has also been using bad languagage. When he does I say i always stop him in his tracks and tell him we don't use such language in the house. It normally works and mumbles things instead. We have had such a bad few months his moods seem a relief against what we have endured. Hopefully for yourself and us this is a short phase we are having to put up with.......Chin up. Five more minutes and the joy of my life will be home from school without him life would be unbearable.

 

[Aisling]

For some reason, this has been a rough week. My husband's mood swings are quite difficult to cope with and leave me drained as they come out of the blue. He is awkward, sneers or laughs when I say something that isn't funny and as hard as I try, it is lowering my self esteem and catching me out big time. He flares up when I suggest something to be done and ticks me off for being bossy, but next minute wants to know what to do to help. He had dementia blood tests last week and another CT scan booked for next week. His blood showed raised sodium levels so told to drink more water. When I gave him a glass he wanted to know why. No memory of what the Dr said. He can also be quite aggressive and scornful when he sees me shaken by his outbursts. When I try to calm him down and point out that we have neighbours etc, he says he couldnt care less and uses the f word. This is so out of character for someone who has always been such a gentleman but guess it so in character with dementia. Any shared thoughts on this? Just feeling a bit pickled today!

Hi Gwyneth,

Sorry but I have experienced all the moods that you describe. Heartbreaking stuff, hurtful and so frustrating. My OH never used inappropriate language but he has learned.

I don't know how to send you private msge but if you want to send me a private msge, I think I know how to respond to it.

It is a devastating time and sometimes I think I am " on my last nerve" !

Aisling ( Ireland)

 

[Scarlett123]

I cannot multi-quote posts, but to all you Carers out there, who are having a rotten time, I'm sending cyber hugs and sympathy. Alas, there is no "solution" to stopping this hurtful behaviour, and when I was on the receiving end, would cheerfully have knifed the next person who said "but it's not him, it's the illness".

I know that! But it doesn't make the remarks less hurtful or wounding, and there was many a time when I was sure John knew exactly what he was saying, and the effect it was having on me. But when he'd deny even saying things like that to anyone, and even if he did, it was his wife he was talking to, and not me, I found myself just sinking a bit further.

Thank goodness for TP xxx

 

[Gwyneth]

Not much to advise Gwyneth, sorry.

There have been times recently when OH has left me feeling a bit useless and undervalued. She has a habit of laughing when she is embarrassed at her own inability to grasp what is going on. What you are describing is beyond anything I have experienced though, so best I can do is wish you well and hope you can get out for half an hour or so just to clear your head. I don't know if respite is an option, OH is so attached to me I doubt I could do it, but you may wish to enquire about it.

Very best wishes to you both in a difficult situation.

Thanks for this. Fortunately, we both still have a bit of independence and he does not need respite. Just so moody. Best wishes to you too.

 

[Gwyneth]

My other half has been very moody last couple of days and has also been using bad languagage. When he does I say i always stop him in his tracks and tell him we don't use such language in the house. It normally works and mumbles things instead. We have had such a bad few months his moods seem a relief against what we have endured. Hopefully for yourself and us this is a short phase we are having to put up with.......Chin up. Five more minutes and the joy of my life will be home from school without him life would be unbearable.

How lucky to have a bright young person to bring you joy. Son or grandson? My grandson is a joy, saw him briefly last weekend, such pleasure. But they don't live close. When he come come to stay I now worry that my husband may flare up or use inappropriate language in front of him. It is a tightrope to walk, isn't it. I will have to mention it at our next review where I suspect we have a different diagnosis. Thanks for your support.

 

[Gwyneth]

Hi Gwyneth,

Sorry but I have experienced all the moods that you describe. Heartbreaking stuff, hurtful and so frustrating. My OH never used inappropriate language but he has learned.

I don't know how to send you private msge but if you want to send me a private msge, I think I know how to respond to it.

It is a devastating time and sometimes I think I am " on my last nerve" !

Aisling ( Ireland)

Kind of you to empathise Aisling. No I don't know how to pm either!!! We just have to keep our chin up, or depending on age as in my case, more than one!!!!

 

[Gwyneth]

I cannot multi-quote posts, but to all you Carers out there, who are having a rotten time, I'm sending cyber hugs and sympathy. Alas, there is no "solution" to stopping this hurtful behaviour, and when I was on the receiving end, would cheerfully have knifed the next person who said "but it's not him, it's the illness".

I know that! But it doesn't make the remarks less hurtful or wounding, and there was many a time when I was sure John knew exactly what he was saying, and the effect it was having on me. But when he'd deny even saying things like that to anyone, and even if he did, it was his wife he was talking to, and not me, I found myself just sinking a bit further.

Thank goodness for TP xxx

Oh bless! I do so agree. The job we find ourselves doing, untrained and often unsupported, is very tough indeed and you are so right when you scream about it being the illness. We know that BUT....! I know my husband does know he is doing it because he is often mortified after, or else he has forgotten his behaviour and of course it can't be redressed, only forgiven. I do feel very cornered at times but hope I remain resilient and love him through it. No other choice really. Hugs to you.

 

[Lilac Blossom]

Oh dear, my hubby swears, using words I wouldn't have expected him to know let alone use - he never used to swear. I wouldn't dream of repeating them here but today I was explaining something to him - he doesn't hear well and often doesn't understand anyway, but just had to laugh when he said, Ach tell her to shut her trap!

"It's not him, it's the illness" yes I've heard that and agree it's really difficult not to have bad thoughts towards people who trot out "helpful" sayings like "He looks well enough to me" or "If He (God) brings you to it he'll bring you through it" etc etc

Glad to be here on Talking Point - thanks everyone xx

 

[Aisling]

For some reason, this has been a rough week. My husband's mood swings are quite difficult to cope with and leave me drained as they come out of the blue. He is awkward, sneers or laughs when I say something that isn't funny and as hard as I try, it is lowering my self esteem and catching me out big time. He flares up when I suggest something to be done and ticks me off for being bossy, but next minute wants to know what to do to help. He had dementia blood tests last week and another CT scan booked for next week. His blood showed raised sodium levels so told to drink more water. When I gave him a glass he wanted to know why. No memory of what the Dr said. He can also be quite aggressive and scornful when he sees me shaken by his outbursts. When I try to calm him down and point out that we have neighbours etc, he says he couldnt care less and uses the f word. This is so out of character for someone who has always been such a gentleman but guess it so in character with dementia. Any shared thoughts on this? Just feeling a bit pickled today!

So so sorry Gwyneth,

I can identify with all you have said. You are not alone. It's so difficult and behaviour is different for everyone. Am often driven up the walls!! Logic doesn't enter into it at all.

You can only take it day by day, attend appointments etc. I remember it all so well.

I hope you have friends locally. Don't forget TP's are good at being supportive. Many of us have been where you are now. Don't worry too much about the f language. My OH has taken a course in it!! ( joke!)

Virtual hugs from Ireland,

Aisling

 

[keegan2]

Oh bless! I do so agree. The job we find ourselves doing, untrained and often unsupported, is very tough indeed and you are so right when you scream about it being the illness. We know that BUT....! I know my husband does know he is doing it because he is often mortified after, or else he has forgotten his behaviour and of course it can't be redressed, only forgiven. I do feel very cornered at times but hope I remain resilient and love him through it. No other choice really. Hugs to you.

I think I agree with you in sometimes they maybe aware of their behaviour. Today the cpn came to visit other half had his moody hat on in the morning but was ok by the afternoon, so was taken aback when he asked her to leave and did not want her there, she replied she was visiting me (his wife) and he replied she is not my wife (demoted)
He would not sit still and carried on asking her and me to leave, eventually when she went I told him he had been very rude and should not speak to visitors like that, he denied any wrong doing and then carried on as before, oblivious to his earlier behaviour. He seemed rather smug.