Wit's end!

[Mary Lou]

My mother has had symptoms of dementia for about 15 years. At first it wasn't too bad, but now I'm at my wit's end!!!
She's in denial, won't accept help from us or any of the agencies that offer help. She manages to live on her own and even drive her car to the shops( illegally), but she is dangerous to other road users and to herself.
I don't know what to do about her, should I report it to the police?

 

[Skye]

Hi Mary Lou, welcome to TP.

I'm not surprised you're at your wits' end. Your mum has done very well to still be able to manage on her own for 15 years, but it does sound as if you need some help.

We've had a lot of posts recently about driving, and you really should stop her. I know it's not easy, but she could so easily cause an accident, and even kill someone.

You should write to DVLA, and they will rescind her licence. It's illegal not to, and also her insurance will not be valid if she has an acident.

DVLA will not tell your mum who notified them, so you can blame the GP or consultant. But I hope you'll do it as soon as possible.

As for help at home, there is much available, but if your mum won't accept help, there's not much social services can do. You could have a carers' assessment, but that would also involve your mum's co-operation.

Could you perhaps convince her that she's paid for the help all her life, and she's entitled to it now? Think of all her contributions being wasted? I don't know, you know her best, but it works for some.

Let us know how you get on.

Love,

 

[jenniferpa]

Hello Mary Lou, and welcome to TP

It sounds from what you say that she has already had her license rescinded (if she's driving illegally) so the the only other option open to you is to a) remove the keys or b) remove (or disable) the car. I'm afraid to say that it's not going to be pleasant but I don't see that there is anything else you can do. Reporting it to the police might work, although there may be other consequences, but unless that car is removed from her control in some way, she will probably continue driving it.

Best wishes

Jennifer

 

[Mary Lou]

Thank you for all your advice.
I didn't think of DVLA, I'll do it today.She already did kill someone and lost her licence for 6 months for driving without due care, then they gave her a provisional licence and told her to retake the test. She refuses to do this and continues driving, I've told her about the insurance situation but she won't have it.
Anyway DVLA looks like an option.
I would like to see mother's GP, I don't know if he's aware of what is going on. Mother never gives me a straight answer to any thing I ask about her visits to the doc or the hospital. Do you think he would see me?
Mary Lou

 

[Skye]

You could write to him, explain that you are next of kin, and think that your mum is at risk. Ask for an appointment to discuss her case. He should agree to see you, though he may want your mum to be present too (data protection).

If that's the case, ask if he could call your mum in for a routine examination, and ask if you can accompany her.

What about Power of Attorney? Have you got that organised?

Love,

 

[jenniferpa]

Mary Lou, under those circumstances I think I'd be round there today with an ice pick to puncture the tires, if I couldn't disable the car in any other way: it wouldn't stop her driving off, but it WOULD stop her driving far. This doesn't seem to be something you should delay for a day, let alone the several months it will probably take for the DVLA to act. And in fact, I don't know what else they could do - she already driving illegally, when the DVLA tells her she can't drive do you really think it's going to make a blind bit of difference? She already doesn't have a valid license or insurance - it can't be made more invalid. And if you can't face up to the confrontation, yes, I think I would call the police. I'm sorry if this sounds hard but this is someone with a poor track record, to put it mildly, when it comes to driving - should she be in control (and I use the term loosely) of several tons of speeding metal?

As to whether the GP will speak to you: much will depend on the GP. You can but try, and even if they won't speak to you face to face or by phone, a letter would seem appropriate.