Wits end

[Tyksey]

Hi I am new to this forum and i have been reading many of the postings and i must say i have gained much comfort in the feeling that i am not alone and the guilt at some of my frustration and anger has subsided a little. I look after my mum in law along with my husband. she was diagnosed with alzheimers a while ago and things are very stressful for all 3 of us. We live with my mum in law so we have the illness 24/7. I have been struck several times my her and have ended up with a black eye on more than one occasion. My husband is very reluctant to get us any help but i am ashamed to say i have requested a carers assessment and asked my doctor for help in a bid to stop us falling apart. I love my mum in law very much and she has been an exceptional friend to me whe she was well but the illness has obliterated any sign of the person she was and i find myself very resentful and angry with her. Sometimes I see a sign of my old friend and it breaks my heart and i hate myself for the anger i have. i will continue to read the posts on here and gain some comfort from them. Thank you

 

[Shash7677]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point, I'm sorry to hear of how bad things have become with your MIL but I hope you find some great support, advice and a sanctuary here where you can let it all out.

Please don't feel ashamed for asking for a carers assessment, it's horrible being hit by a loved one and your husband can't keep allowing it to go on. I hope the assessments brings with it some help and that your husband accepts it. He can't allow you to be hit it's unfair, especially when you've had such a strong bond with your MIL before her illness, it must be heartbreaking for you.

Take care and please keep posting,

Sharon

 

[vicandste]

You are not alone

Hi,
I totally understand where you are coming from. My dad is late onset and we have done everything we can to keep him in his home. Sometimes you forget that the illness takes over and its not them talking to you, the emotional drain is awful.

We had a great care team around us (just had a kick as the PA and care providers handed notice in same day, due to staffing and salary issues).

I would definitely recommend getting an 'enablement assessment' this is where they will look at the assistance your mum in law requires and over a x period of time work with you all to review what they are able to offer.
If you work, they will also (and you have to really push) offer a socialisation £, this is where you can pay a PA so many hours a week to assist with getting your mum in law out into the community and to dementia centres (giving you much needed peace of mind and rest bit.... )

I hope that this has helped. Stay strong this is a great forum of people who will share their experiences and offer support x

 

[1954]

Hi and Welcome to TP

We have my MIL live with us. Its so so hard, MIL has not hit me..........yet, but at times am scared that she will and she has threatened to. She is extremely strong

I had a carer's assessment which resulted in me getting Day Centre for her and respite for 2 weeks every 8 weeks.

Please don't feel bad asking for help, you need it, we all do. Don't forget this is not your partner but your MIL so I believe from what others have said is that the dynamics are different. Please keep posting you will get lots of advice/support and help

 

[Tyksey]

Thank you for your very kind words and support it is a big comfort to not feel alone. I think my old friend has long since departed the shell that remains but what keeps me from throwing the towel in is the odd glimpse of her that comes through now and again for example she was always full of fun and daring and the other week when we were walking the dog in our local park I decided that at 50 I wanted to go down the kids new slide which is quite high and curves steeply around. MIL said she wanted to come down too and despite my efforts to advise her.against it she insisted she could do it and she did. It caused us both a lot of laughter and fun but within minutes my old friend had gone again and this empty shell was there again. I'm not ashamed to say that it made me cry to think what she has become. I have been through many illnesses with different family members but I must say this is the cruelest disease by far.

 

[Lowlander]

Hi I am new to this forum and i have been reading many of the postings and i must say i have gained much comfort in the feeling that i am not alone and the guilt at some of my frustration and anger has subsided a little. I look after my mum in law along with my husband. she was diagnosed with alzheimers a while ago and things are very stressful for all 3 of us. We live with my mum in law so we have the illness 24/7. I have been struck several times my her and have ended up with a black eye on more than one occasion. My husband is very reluctant to get us any help but i am ashamed to say i have requested a carers assessment and asked my doctor for help in a bid to stop us falling apart. I love my mum in law very much and she has been an exceptional friend to me whe she was well but the illness has obliterated any sign of the person she was and i find myself very resentful and angry with her. Sometimes I see a sign of my old friend and it breaks my heart and i hate myself for the anger i have. i will continue to read the posts on here and gain some comfort from them. Thank you

I feel very strongly that nobody should be in a situation where they accept violence from another person.
You are making allowances because you love your MIL.
This is still domestic abuse.
Where are you going to draw the line if blacked eyes aren't enough? Black eyes are caused only by a very hefty whack on the face or head.
You must surely realise this is not remotely permissible.
You can possibly regain some affection for her when she is safely away from you. It's not her fault, etc., but it is up to you to do what is best for you. It's your life too.

 

[kenaidog]

What you have to think of is , is she a danger to herself and others, if she has hit you then she is a danger.I know i could not rest at night if i had my mother living with me as i would have no idea what was going to come next. I look back at what she was like not so long ago and there isnt much left of the person anymore. It almost seems weird and not real but it is and i know full well how stressfull it is. MY mother lived with me years ago when she was fine and even then she was a nightmare to live with and i now can look back and i think it has actually affected me as a human, she out me on edge so much that i look at things in a different way now and im alot more unsure than i was before she lived with me. Anyway living with her would be the end, I know i could not take it, i couldnt take it when she was well never mind now. You have to start and think about yourself and the hard truth is, its going to get worse and worse and your going to worry more and more about how to look after her needs etc, Its a impossible situation, your mind says one thing but your heart says another. I love my mother with all my heart but my nerves just cant take it.

 

[Tyksey]

Yes I know the violence is wrong and having suffered at the hands of a violent husband before meeting my lovely husband of 13 years I swore I would not accept violence from anyone for whatever reason but because of the illness I make excuses - I know the situation can't go on indefinitely but my husband just isn't ready to let go yet and short of walking away there isn't much I can do.