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Withholding all her finances.

Helen derA

New member
Apr 10, 2020
My mum has on set dementia & lost her husband 6 months ago. The day he died, she fell and broke her hip and was admitted to hospital.
Mum lives in Malaysia, I in UK. Friends in Malaysia encouraged me to go to her as she was not well at all. I gave notice and flew in 5 months ago. She had been admitted into a Military hospital by a nephew (husbands side), though neither her nor her husband had ever used any other hospital than Gleneagles, (private).
The hip operation was a disaster, the pins moved, and then, whilst waiting for a corrective operation, she had a stroke, so the op had to be postponed. Whilst in the hospital she became completely withdrawn, stopped feeding herself and refused all meds. She contracted a chest infection (the walls had black mould all along the skirting boards).
3 weeks later they re-scheduled the op, but on the day they informed me there were no funds in place from the Veterans.
Well, that was the last straw, I organised for her to go home. From nurse, hospital bed, oxygen, adult nappies etc. The hospitals only job was to bring her home in the ambulance with her records and xrays. She arrived her records did not.
Meanwhile I had been cleaning and clearing her apartment, and over time realised that there was no bank cards, or bank statements, no handbag, no ID (must be carried at all times in Malaysia). So when I questioned the nephew, he would not comment. I had to put it out on the media before he would react. A meeting between us was set up. I asked a Malaysian business man I know to sit in at our meeting. The nephew arrived with a solicitor. He returned her handbag, (later I found that the ID was fake). The solicitor wanted to know what she intended to do with her apartment. It is in her name and nothing to do with her husbands estate, it was done this way as Islamic laws of inheritance (Shariah) are quite different, and she could have been left with nothing. He seemed very interested for her to sell, and offered to draw up the paperwork.
At the meeting I brought out 2 bank statements that had arrived the day before, Her personal bank statement and their joint bank statement. Two very, very large sums had been removed from the joint AFTER his death and DURING her hospitalisation. The nephew claimed they were for a nursing home..(that she never went to!?). My friend suggested that he use it to pay for the nurse, mums personal hygiene needs and to cover my living expenses. The solicitor agreed that this was a good idea.
At the meeting I asked about her pension, the nephew said he was sorting it out with the military.. Again I question her personal bank cards. I was told they were looking into the matter.
So it passed, that the payments were met for 3 months. (They have ceased now). A letter of confirmation arrived regarding her pension payments, including back dated monies.
In the mean time, both the nephew and solicitor have made visits, separately, (the solicitor did return her ID, but with no reason why it had not being forthcoming. And recently on investigation, I discovered the above letter has gone, as have the title deeds and Strata to her apartment and the deeds of trust.
They have left her (and me as her full time carer), totally dependent on them. One or both of them have her bank cards and all other banking related books, and cheque books. Her pension is being paid into an unknown 'savings account', where this account is I do not know and they will not say. I believe they kept her ID so they could open a bank account in her name and that is where her pension is going and the payout from her husbands life insurance.
There is nothing I can do.. now she has Dementia I fear that a neurologist will not pass her compos mentis, therefor she would not be able to give me her power of attorney. I am not Muslim, so even though I am her next of kin, the nephew, who has been nominated to sort out mums husbands estate, will take president. With out finance, I can not stay here looking after her indefinably. But I do know if I leave and return to the UK, they will put her back in that hospital before the wheels of the plane is off the tarmac. They will sell her home and leave her to wilt.
Currently mum is still in bed, though we have gotten her out in a rickety old wheel chair her husband used. She is in a lovely bed that can be wheeled around, closer to the TV, / onto the balcony where she can see her birds, / into the kitchen to keep me company when it is meal time. She is as strong as an ox, feeds herself, drinks from a wine glass and can be as stubborn and argumentative.. but hey, she was always like that!!lol.
Should I go to the police? Or is there anywhere else I can turn to? Is there anything I can do to force them to give me all details to this new account that I believe has been set up?
Thank you for taking time to read this. Stay safe x


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
hello @Helen derA
a warm welcome to DTP
what an awful situation for your mum and you

from how you describe your mum, personally I would try to get LPAs in place to give you some authority

are you able to get your own solicitor or at least some time to discuss what you could do

with you being in Malaysia and there being different systems thete, it's tough to know what to suggest ... were you in the UK, I would definitely say get the police involved ... is there a British Consulate you could contact

do any of the friends you mention know how the legal and financial systems work

if possible, take copies of any documentation you still have and write out lists and detailed descriptions of what is no longer in the property with dates of when you saw each document and when it was no longer available ... with dates of visits from the nephew and solicitor ...this may be useful evidence

the Dementia Connect support line has the facility for online chat with one of the advisors, do contact them

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