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wish it was over

totallyconfused

Registered User
Apr 18, 2016
421
Ive cared for my mother for years but I think the time has come for a nursing home which has me heartbroken, feeling like a failure but I know I cant continue.

She has been through an awful lot but the lack of sleep and seizures of the last 12 months were brutal and the finish of me to be honest.

I wish it was over for her, for her to pass away peacefully in her bed here at home, in her lovely room where she is surrounded by flowers.

But she is strong and healthy and the fear is she will last years even though her mind is pretty much gone. The thought of visiting her in a nursing home for years scares me. Its very unfair.I wish there was a way out for her.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,563
Bristol
I was close to making that move last spring, so you have my total sympathy and support whatever you decide, and you are not a failure, you just have to do what is best for your mother and for yourself @totallyconfused.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,271
N Ireland
I agree that this is not a failure. This is a decision most of us have to face at some stage and I wish you strength.

Best wishes to you and your mother.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,063
Nottinghamshire
There were many times I wished my dad could just pass in his sleep. He did too. I think the later stages take as much, if not more, out of the carer as the cared for.

It's not a failure to recognise that your mum needs more care than you, or any one person, can provide. I hoped my dad would stay at home until the end but eventually realised it was impossible.

I wish you strength to do what has to be done.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
409
Not a failure at all, just someone who cares and loves their Mum enough that they want the torture of the illness to end. Looking after Mum almost broke me, although I didn't realise it at the time. I say the same that I wish my mum could go to sleep and not wake up. Be kind to yourself and take care
 

GeordieAg

Registered User
Nov 1, 2018
14
I am currently travelling this road and can totally understand. In November I reached the point where care was needed 24/7 and I simply couldn't provide that. I was fortunate that space became available somewhere we'd been socialising for over a year, but the journey there, knowing I would be returning alone, was intense. Thankfully things are working out, but there isn't a day goes by that I don't feel guilty. Having said that, watching the reaction to the staff tells me it was the right decision and allows me to be a daughter again. It also allows me to look after my own health which, I now realise, was suffering. Don't beat yourself up. As hard as the first steps are, you will soon know in your heart of hearts that you've done the best thing. As this awful disease progresses, it takes more than one person to care and keep our loved ones safe. We also have to accept that the wish to stay 'home' and pass in their own bed will be forgotten. Home becomes a feeling rather than a place, and their own bed becomes wherever they are resting. It's hard for us, as we try to adjust to this ever changing normal, but it's even harder not to beat ourselves up about what is happening. I know this because I'm right there at the moment, but I also know my decision was made out of love and definitely the right one.
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
405
Ive cared for my mother for years but I think the time has come for a nursing home which has me heartbroken, feeling like a failure but I know I cant continue.

I wish it was over for her, for her to pass away peacefully in her bed here at home, in her lovely room where she is surrounded by flowers.

But she is strong and healthy and the fear is she will last years even though her mind is pretty much gone. The thought of visiting her in a nursing home for years scares me. Its very unfair.I wish there was a way out for her.
Many of us empathise and have felt like you.

My experience is my mum also has had a very difficult 12 months. We reached a crisis point (several times) having considered homes reluctantly but decided we weren’t ‘quite there’. In the end the decision became made for us and we then had an urgent rush to find a home which we liked, which had a space and would accept her. We were lucky and also lucky that the funding came through at exactly the same time.

I don’t like to think what would happen if we couldn’t have found a home. It was a stressful time. I’d look and investigate and do your research now.

My mum is in the dreaded home ...but is actually stable, calm and it’s not the dreadful home after all. We have resumed the status of caring relatives instead of exhausted drained at the end of our resilience/tether/mental health...

Personal care is no longer our responsibility. Instead of an elderly man trying to cope or her children or grandchildren wiping her bottom she has professionals who can do it with dignity. Those are the unpleasant realities we have lost. I now visit, hold her hand and talk. Things are not wonderful but our challenges are now emotional...no different to how it was before however.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Ive cared for my mother for years but I think the time has come for a nursing home which has me heartbroken, feeling like a failure but I know I cant continue.

She has been through an awful lot but the lack of sleep and seizures of the last 12 months were brutal and the finish of me to be honest.

I wish it was over for her, for her to pass away peacefully in her bed here at home, in her lovely room where she is surrounded by flowers.

But she is strong and healthy and the fear is she will last years even though her mind is pretty much gone. The thought of visiting her in a nursing home for years scares me. Its very unfair.I wish there was a way out for her.
I do understand a little, I made Dads room an oasis that he once told me “ I have the best house in the village” at that point he no longer recognised me at times. Fresh flowers & seasonal pots of colour made it tranquil along with a radio & his beloved classic fm.
I bought new cushion & matching throws ( love a supermarket sale) colourful bedding & his first Easter ( & his last!) in care A white fluffy bunny! Silliness but it made him smile!
No it wasn’t what I wanted for Dad but it gave me precious moments of being his daughter again of which I will treasure more than anything!
(((hugs)))
Keep the mantra of “best interests” at heart - at the time it doesn’t ease the heartache much but with hindsight comes great wisdom!
x
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
659
High Peak
When mum went into a CH my greatest fear was that she would be there forever, right to the final stages because she was physically fit. Like you, I wished she would die in her sleep, preferably sometime soon as she had no quality of life and was living her worst nightmare.

I hated visiting. Mum and I were not close and I was very much a reluctant carer. But I did my duty and visited every week (twice a week for the first year, until she broke her hip) for nearly 3 years, plus all the other things you have to do. By that time she had reached the end of stage 6 - her mobility was getting worse and her speech was starting to go. But I still thought she could go on for years.

But after being 'slightly ill' for a couple of weeks, no infections just 'not herself', I got The Phone Call to say they'd found her at 6am, not breathing (i.e. dead) and had called an ambulance. It's always sad when dementia claims another victim but I am still very relieved she went when she did and didn't make it to the final stages. Three years of watching the decline (plus the umpteen years before she went in the home) was more than enough for me. It's that part I will never get over rather than her actual death :(
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
When mum went into a CH my greatest fear was that she would be there forever, right to the final stages because she was physically fit. Like you, I wished she would die in her sleep, preferably sometime soon as she had no quality of life and was living her worst nightmare.

I hated visiting. Mum and I were not close and I was very much a reluctant carer. But I did my duty and visited every week (twice a week for the first year, until she broke her hip) for nearly 3 years, plus all the other things you have to do. By that time she had reached the end of stage 6 - her mobility was getting worse and her speech was starting to go. But I still thought she could go on for years.

But after being 'slightly ill' for a couple of weeks, no infections just 'not herself', I got The Phone Call to say they'd found her at 6am, not breathing (i.e. dead) and had called an ambulance. It's always sad when dementia claims another victim but I am still very relieved she went when she did and didn't make it to the final stages. Three years of watching the decline (plus the umpteen years before she went in the home) was more than enough for me. It's that part I will never get over rather than her actual death :(
The process ... totally agree & understand as that’s what daily tore me apart.
I think we forget about having a “good death“ as my Granny used to refer to it ... once I was puzzled by that terminology but not now.
😐
 
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totallyconfused

Registered User
Apr 18, 2016
421
No one deserves to go through years of losing themselves bit by bit every day.Its just cruel and there should be a way out for these people.

Its the toll it takes on eevryone-the person themselves,carers, what it does to families-mine definately broke down due to the pressures of the disease-some siblings just didnt get it-thought we were lying etc.

Its times where you think they wont pull through and then perk up. We were given a wheelchair as they thought my mother was borderline, her movement was very poor but in recent months has totally changed, developed a speed-you tune around and shes gone.

Its a total rollercoaster that has taken a huge toll. I wish I had taken better care of myself through it all but when you are dealing with dads cancer and death, my sisters cancer and then alzheimers, its hard to thnik of yoursself or to say to someone you're not okay when there are bigger issues to deal with.

My poor mother has been through enough. She deserves so much better.