• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Wish I didn't love my dad so much

exhausted 2015

Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
624
stoke on trent
Wish I didn't love my dad so much must sound awful I am struggling to cope and feel so trapped I can't leave him on his own which means my oh and me don't go anywhere together anymore I think that he is getting to the stage where he needs to be in a care home but I cannot bring myself to do it I have a brother and sister who are pretty much distant to him I've been the only one who he relies on they don't have a clue about the day to day care that he needs.. Oh by the way my dad has mixed dementia vascular dementia also alzheimers disease... Sorry I haven't posted this for any particular reason just wanted to express my feelings somewhere and tp is the best place to do it... Exhausted 2015 x
 

fredsnail

Registered User
Dec 21, 2008
649
Hugs to you - I know you love your Dad, and I'm sure he'd be so grateful for everything you do for him.

But he'd also understand that you need your own time too.

Although it's much easier to say than do.
 

fredsnail

Registered User
Dec 21, 2008
649
It happens now and then - just keep posting here - you'll get lots of support and can get things out of your system.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,537
Yorkshire
In everything you post it is so clear how much you love your dad.
When I visit dad's care home the staff say it's obvious what a close relationship we have.
But I couldn't be there for him all day, every day - and I have no OH to care about and for as well.
There's an old saying that if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Parents have to allow their children to leave home and be independent. Your dad did that for you. I do believe that now is the time to be the responsible adult for him and find him a good care home.
I know for certain sure that my dad would not have wanted me to stop my life for him - he has always said so. Maybe I'm fortunate that way as knowing what he has said throughout my life made it less difficult to take the step you are facing. It was still by no means easy.
You will always care for him - but Fredsnail is right - the dad he was pre-dementia would have completely understood the decision you have now to take.
It is hard to let go, but you must find a way to do just that. Sometimes we need to be needed - but sometimes that need can become self destructive.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
Wish I didn't love my dad so much must sound awful I am struggling to cope and feel so trapped I can't leave him on his own which means my oh and me don't go anywhere together anymore I think that he is getting to the stage where he needs to be in a care home but I cannot bring myself to do it I have a brother and sister who are pretty much distant to him I've been the only one who he relies on they don't have a clue about the day to day care that he needs.. Oh by the way my dad has mixed dementia vascular dementia also alzheimers disease... Sorry I haven't posted this for any particular reason just wanted to express my feelings somewhere and tp is the best place to do it... Exhausted 2015 x
I know how you feel, I adored my Mam but her illness wore me down to the bone.

I totally empathise with your weariness and despair.

Hold tight, you will have a future that holds no regrets.

You WILL feel the rewards of your struggle, you WILL.

Best wishes.
 

janey106

Registered User
Dec 10, 2013
139
In everything you post it is so clear how much you love your dad.
When I visit dad's care home the staff say it's obvious what a close relationship we have.
But I couldn't be there for him all day, every day - and I have no OH to care about and for as well.
There's an old saying that if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Parents have to allow their children to leave home and be independent. Your dad did that for you. I do believe that now is the time to be the responsible adult for him and find him a good care home.
I know for certain sure that my dad would not have wanted me to stop my life for him - he has always said so. Maybe I'm fortunate that way as knowing what he has said throughout my life made it less difficult to take the step you are facing. It was still by no means easy.
You will always care for him - but Fredsnail is right - the dad he was pre-dementia would have completely understood the decision you have now to take.
It is hard to let go, but you must find a way to do just that. Sometimes we need to be needed - but sometimes that need can become self destructive.

Shedrech that is so beautifully described and I would know in an instant that this would be right for my Dad too if these cruel diseases ever get him in their grasp. He has always told us to 'fly high' and still does. I wish I could say the same about Mum as she is the sufferer but she has always said, when seeing others with difficulties, "please don't ever put me in a home if that happens to me" and she never really has ever wanted to let us(sister and me) go. We are now faced with this as it is starting to loom ever larger but your last sentence is right, her needs are now starting to destroy us, our family lives, Dads life and her needs are impacting on my work life as I am called for yet more emergencies, Consultant meetings etc and I know it can't go on. Thank you.

I hope this helps exhausted2015 too ... So many of us in the same place.
 

looviloo

Registered User
May 3, 2015
463
Cheshire
Wish I didn't love my dad so much
Your post really struck a cord with me. I'd been helping to support my dad at home for 10 years, and then a few months ago he had a serious fall and is now in a lovely care home. It devastated me. Slowly I've come to realise that my feelings about it all were just that... MY feelings. Dad has vascular dementia and more and more, he just sees me as the person who 'sorts things out for him'. I know he loves me, but it's different to the nurturing way I feel about him. I guess what I'm saying is that at some point (it may be now) you have to take control and do what's in your own best interests, and maybe it'll turn out to be your dad's best interests too.

Actually, Shedrech put it so beautifully :)

One step at a time x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,384
South coast
It is so difficult when they need to go into a care home. I agree - shedrech has expressed it all so beautifully.

Exhausted, if you dont feel it has quite got to that stage, but you can feel it creeping up why not start looking around at care homes to get an idea of what is around? You can also put his name on the waiting list (most CHs have one) and even if they contact you to say that a room is becoming available it doesnt mean that you have to take it.
Its much better to plan in advance rather than when the proverbial crisis arrives and you have to look around and choose a CH straight away.
 
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Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,537
Yorkshire
exhausted 2015 I hope your sunday is a day of rest for you all

I feared I was hectoring you last night so I am touched by the responses from janey106, looviloo and canary - thank you

and I am not suggesting that a CH is an easy answer by any means - Dad is having a torrid time and it's heart-breaking - but I am glad he's somewhere safe with staff to watch out for him - I could not have coped if he'd still been at home - I think their immediate interventions may have kept sectioning at bay - and more importantly given him some comfort

canary's so sensible - just go and look round - you'll get a feel for each place and how the residents are - visit a few times - no pressure - just a fact finding mission

garnuft - from and to the heart - your words sustain

again exhausted 2015 - I wish you a good day
 

pru

Registered User
Jun 21, 2011
9
Dublin
Your strong love for your dad is so obvious throughout your post! Every carer understands totally what you meant. There are so many phases with this disease, each one causes more problems, more loss and needing to learn to adjust again. As others have said you have done so much for your dad. You deserve to have some 'me' time, to have some of your life back. It takes time for our hearts and heads to come to terms with our changing circumstances. Sending you a big hug x
 

exhausted 2015

Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
624
stoke on trent
exhausted 2015 I hope your sunday is a day of rest for you all

I feared I was hectoring you last night so I am touched by the responses from janey106, looviloo and canary - thank you

and I am not suggesting that a CH is an easy answer by any means - Dad is having a torrid time and it's heart-breaking - but I am glad he's somewhere safe with staff to watch out for him - I could not have coped if he'd still been at home - I think their immediate interventions may have kept sectioning at bay - and more importantly given him some comfort

canary's so sensible - just go and look round - you'll get a feel for each place and how the residents are - visit a few times - no pressure - just a fact finding mission

garnuft - from and to the heart - your words sustain

again exhausted 2015 - I wish you a good day
Hi. No I didn't feel that you were hectoring me in fact I have thought long and hard today about all your kind words of support, have had a bad day today with dad I am going to take all your sound advice and begin to look for a good care home.. Like someone said I can at least get a home in place for when the time comes
Thanks so much to all of you xx
Ps got a weeks respite booked for October xx
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,537
Yorkshire
Glad to be of any help - sorry about today
We're all in this together
I've gained so much comfort from all those who kindly post on TP
Pleased about the respite
Am drinking rose and offer a toast to you all
 

Emac

Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
181
Care Home

I spent this afternoon sorting out Mum's clothes and packing a case for a four week trial in a care home. I Know it's unlikely she'll come back home. My sister had taken Mum out for the afternoon.At one point I sat down in Mum's chair in the living room and just cried I felt so bad for her.
You can't underestimate what a big decision this is or how much it hurts you, but it hurts you because you love him and it's a big big step in the 'long goodbye' that is dementia. However that doesn't mean it isn't the right step for you and for him. Also some care homes are really very nice places...I have already told my sister i want to be in the one with the views and the lovely gardens...:D
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
If you do nothing else please consider a respite break so yiu can have some time with your husband or even a short holiday. Your dad neds you to be strong. It will be a test of any care home too. Find the one you like and get on the list. You dont stop being a carer but you get to be a daughter again. It can work and your Dad would be safe and have comoany his own age.
 

exhausted 2015

Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
624
stoke on trent
If you do nothing else please consider a respite break so yiu can have some time with your husband or even a short holiday. Your dad neds you to be strong. It will be a test of any care home too. Find the one you like and get on the list. You dont stop being a carer but you get to be a daughter again. It can work and your Dad would be safe and have comoany his own age.
Thank you yes I am having a weeks respite soon and can't wait just to get out into the countryside for a long walk with our little dog. xx
 

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