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wish carehome wasn't only option

annii1

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
194
west sussex
Hello
Mum been in carehome now for about 18 months, she is now prescribed antipsychotics which have calmed her down thankfully, no longer trying to escape or violent.Still asks to go home but memory so poor now that she gets confused very easily. Still recognises me and, I think my dad, they have nice outing out in the week for an hour or so, I visit and we go for cup of tea or sit in garden. Mum still only 73, and I wish she didn't need to be there. I rack my brains to see if I could have mum with me but couldn't as she still so unpredictable and needs total one to one, I have to think of my young son and husband, but it doesn't make the guilt go away. My dad couldn't cope with mum. Care home is as good as they get and being a nurse I have worked in a few, but the thought that mum is there for good now and no other option tears me apart.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Guilt is a terrible burden

It hard when someone you love cant be cared for at home anymore. My mum has been in hospital since new years day, except for a 3 week disaster when she went home with a care package. My mum is happier away from home but still wants to go home. I promised myself I would keep her home for as long as it made her happy so its time to do something.

What will it mean. Giving up a home that is precious to her. What will she get in return - company, people to eat with, activity each day and her care needs sorted. There will be someone always there to help her and pick her up if she falls. I can than concentrate on the job the carers cannot do - loving her and helping her remember the happy days of the past.

Be kind to yourself. You are still her carer but now you can also get to be her daughter.
 

katie1

Registered User
Aug 5, 2014
122
Kendal Cumbria
Hello
Mum been in carehome now for about 18 months, she is now prescribed antipsychotics which have calmed her down thankfully, no longer trying to escape or violent.Still asks to go home but memory so poor now that she gets confused very easily. Still recognises me and, I think my dad, they have nice outing out in the week for an hour or so, I visit and we go for cup of tea or sit in garden. Mum still only 73, and I wish she didn't need to be there. I rack my brains to see if I could have mum with me but couldn't as she still so unpredictable and needs total one to one, I have to think of my young son and husband, but it doesn't make the guilt go away. My dad couldn't cope with mum. Care home is as good as they get and being a nurse I have worked in a few, but the thought that mum is there for good now and no other option tears me apart.
It sounds to me like you have made a very difficult but sensible decision which has taken into consideration your family. You say that your Mum goes out every week with your Dad who you think she recognises and that you visit often and that you are pleased with the Care Home----well thats good as well. I know you feel guilty, but you have made a good decision and your Mum is being well looked after, with a high level of one to one, something you would not be able to provide and something she clearly needs.
So, although you feel guilty, please do not dwell on that too much because you took the brave step to make that careful thoughtful decision for the benefit of your family.
 

curtainsgalore

Registered User
Nov 2, 2014
46
I am in exactly the same position as you but not quite so far down the line. Mum has only been there since February, so early days still for Mum and me feeling redundant and not wanting her to be there. I went to my Mums CH tonight to be told that she picked all the garden furniture up and tried to scale the fence by climbing up it. A DOLS is being done as an urgency and the CH are addressing the security. I'm hoping she will calm down. Anti psychotics haven't been talked about yet but glad they have calmed your Mother.
None of us want our parents to end up in a care home but dementia is more than 1 family can live with and they can get support all day, we can't possibly do that with children, work,husbands,wives etc.
I know deep down my Mum would want or expect me to put my life on hold for this dreadful disease.
I'm sure we will feel less guilty one day.
Take care, you are doing your best
 

shark2

Registered User
Aug 22, 2012
136
n ireland
I feel your pain . my mum only went into a care home yesterday. She's shouting and crying to go home. I wish with all my heart I could bring her home but I know I would be doing it to ease my guilt. She wasn't washing, cooking, couldn't even switch the TV on for company, was wearing dirty clothes and even urine stained clothes.

We as a family put our lives on hold_ we took it in turns to stay overnight with her but she had 4 falls and ended up breaking her neck. In a body brace and collar for15weeks and in hospital all that time. Too risky for her to be home and we work so she would have been alone for part of the day.

It really sucks but her safety has to be paramount
 

annii1

Registered User
Jul 5, 2012
194
west sussex
Thank you all for your replies and support. It is so sad that we are all in similar positions, but reassuring to know we all understand what others are going through. Best wishes
 

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