My mother has dementia. My father died in March and my siblings and I are agonizing over whether to tell my mother or not. She is being cared for in a home, is unable to walk and has had dementia for several years. We feel that she would be unable to process the information, but at the moment she is aware in some way that she has not seen dad for a while and it is agonizing for her. She is in a private hell sometimes and believes that, because her beloved husband does not come to see her any more, he no longer loves her. She sobs uncontrollably and we are unable to console her. Then, as is often the case, during the next visit she is calm and asking about dad but not in a distressed way. We feel if we tell her we will have to keep repeating it over and over which would cause her distress over and over again. We would be very grateful for any thoughts from anyone who has been through a similar experience. Thank you.
This is tough. When I think it's probably better not to tell her, I think of her ongoing distress at his absence and wonder what is really best.
My Mum goes between recalling and forgetting that my Dad died 3 years ago after 4-5 years of alzheimer's disease. I follow her lead as to how to respond at any one moment. Sometimes she thinks he has gone for a lie down, other times she knows that he has died and we commiserate our (massive) loss together. What she needs to hear at these times is that he didn't want to leave her (she sometimes thinks he died on purpose, perhaps mixing him up with her brother who did!) and that he loved her dearly and was very concerned that I would always be there for her. Sometimes the staff hear her talking to him in a very contented way.
My friend's Mum started fretting terribly about needing to visit her own mother in Italy (who had died many decades ago). It became a real preoccupation and cause of agitation and the care home staff were at a loss as to how to help. In the end, the family and arranged a proper mini-memorial service for the mother, in a chapel with a priest, hymns and a commemorative photo card to use as a keepsake. It worked exactly as intended - despite her very advanced dementia, she found a sense of peace in the matter. She no longer speaks of her mother, she no longer packs to visit her, but nor is she distressed (luckily) when she sees the card. Her strong Catholic faith perhaps helps in this regard.
I don't know what the answer is, only that it may not be the same from one day to the next. Follow her lead and try to say what seems authentic to her, as long as it comforts her.
So painful, so sorry.