Will you be selling the house?

[northumbrian_k]

I heard my name called the other day when out with the dog. It was a friend of my wife and former work colleague who we haven't seen for years, although living within 10 minutes walk of one another. The jungle drums had been beating and this person had only that day learned from another friend that my wife was in care. Coming hotfoot to give me support or, more likely just to find out more, the friend listened over coffee whilst I gave a brief rundown of life with dementia from my perspective over the last 5 years or so.

"We'll go to see her sometime soon. I wonder if she'll recognise me ..." they said. I wasn't surprised by this as this particular friend has always needed to be liked and it would 'hurt' them to be forgotten. I didn't say that the chances of getting anything like a coherent response would be low, as sometimes my wife has surprised me with sudden bouts of lucidity. A visit by 2 old work colleagues might perk her up. I have a feeling though that when they realise what she is like it will be a one-off.

I wasn't surprised either to be asked whether I would go on living here or sell the house. Why would I want to move?, said I. The house is too big for me but it has been home for over 19 years, is in a lovely area, and all the facilities that I need are close to hand. Why indeed?, I thought but didn't say, when any capital released would have to be shared with my wife, with her share then disappearing into the ongoing costs of her care. Not what I would call prudent financial management.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I realise that this is going to sound terrible and I don't wish dementia on anyone but part of me when I hear of ignorant comments such as these, wishes the person would witness the vile cruel illness close hand of one of their dearest relatives...sometimes I think it is the only way that some will understand what a carer has to do and the constant and increasing impact on all those around their loved one with dementia.

 

[witts1973]

On my road we have the worlds nosiest neighbours, mum would speak to them when she would see them outside their homes on the way to the shops and say hello but mum doesn't leave the house now as she has lost her mobility and I'm her carer as her son that has always lived with her.
When ever I leave the house I have to give them a running commentary as they ask all sorts of stuff,mum has carers coming in 4 times a day which they can all see,so I explain that she isn't as bad as they probably think it's just that she needs 2 people for a pad change and for hoisting.
It annoys me as these same people had partners and families with health problems some of whom hadn't left the house for years and died and they kept all of that very close to their chests,I feel their comes a point when we would like to be private people and they don't need to know anything besides mum is fine.
I'm a sociable person but when I get the opportunity to get out of the house,I just like to be me for a moment,you would think people would talk about something else after the umpeenth time or maybe even ask how I am.
And then one of my neighbours that has a daughter that is looking for a home to buy put a letter through the door saying that they would like to move to our road and if we were thinking of selling they would be interested,I thought that was in poor taste,she didn't say who her parents were besides them living in our road,but I investigated on the internet and found it was the daughter of my next door neighbour

 

[northumbrian_k]

I was also asked what had happened to all my wife's lovely jewellery. Answer: She is still wearing some items but anything of value (and plenty that hasn't anything but sentimental value) is in my safekeeping. There'll be no picking over the spoils here.

 

[marionq]

Oh that’s a bit cheeky. I am now rattling around in a house too big for one but I don’t intend to sell either. John and I loved it when we bought in 2010 and I like when my teenage grandchildren with or without their parents come to stay. Best of all I have the nicest neighbours I have ever had. I am often out front tidying the garden or sweeping up and there is usually a passing young mother with a pram or older person with a dog. I don’t get lonely. On the bus yesterday an elderly lady gave me a hug and a kiss when she heard John was in hospital. A lot of lonely people would love a hug.

 

[Fullticket]

I haven't posted for ages but still read - this site helped me so much with my mum.
Slightly black humour and slightly off subject but at one point just after her death, someone asked me if I would be getting a dog...

 

[northumbrian_k]

A lady who works in our local pub asked after my wife last night then wondered aloud that she had put her foot in it. Not at all I said as it was nice of her to ask. I felt more empathy from a relative stranger than an old friend. The dog was happy too as he got a biscuit from the jar.