Will this ever get better?

[MELMJ]

My mother is 89 and things are getting difficult again. I'm accused of everything, stealing her iron, her invalidated bank card, anything she mislays and she is telephoning all day and all night into the early hours. She won't accept any assistance from outside as she trusts no one. If I answer the phone she tries to manipulate everything to being my fault and I'm accused of never doing anything for her at any time(without me she would have to be in a home) while my brother who never visits her(for years) lives 2 miles away and is the one placed on a pedestal by her. He hates her because of the control exerted upon us since childhood. I've moved 180 miles south to be nearer to help her so that I can honour her long term desire not to be in a home. Her memory lasts for less than a goldfish 's memory unless it is something bad. Asking a community person who telephones my mum....how bad an example of Dementia this is....I just got an apology that it is really bad how I am treated. The police have even been called by my mother after I've been accused of stealing her bank card. I'm her Power of attorney and am totally trustworthy but slated at every opportunity it seems while to my face in public she tells them that I'm there for her. This seems like a living nightmare...lived daily.

All this accusation can get you so so down. I know I'm honest but she tells everyone that her daughter(me) has done this and that. I'm struggling. Having moved it is also quite lonely not to know people to talk with. I've just joined this group , I'm not a great techno person so I may not even know how to follow a thread here but definitely feel that one needs some support.

 

[JanBWiltshire]

My mother is 89 and things are getting difficult again. I'm accused of everything, stealing her iron, her invalidated bank card, anything she mislays and she is telephoning all day and all night into the early hours. She won't accept any assistance from outside as she trusts no one. If I answer the phone she tries to manipulate everything to being my fault and I'm accused of never doing anything for her at any time(without me she would have to be in a home) while my brother who never visits her(for years) lives 2 miles away and is the one placed on a pedestal by her. He hates her because of the control exerted upon us since childhood. I've moved 180 miles south to be nearer to help her so that I can honour her long term desire not to be in a home. Her memory lasts for less than a goldfish 's memory unless it is something bad. Asking a community person who telephones my mum....how bad an example of Dementia this is....I just got an apology that it is really bad how I am treated. The police have even been called by my mother after I've been accused of stealing her bank card. I'm her Power of attorney and am totally trustworthy but slated at every opportunity it seems while to my face in public she tells them that I'm there for her. This seems like a living nightmare...lived daily.

All this accusation can get you so so down. I know I'm honest but she tells everyone that her daughter(me) has done this and that. I'm struggling. Having moved it is also quite lonely not to know people to talk with. I've just joined this group , I'm not a great techno person so I may not even know how to follow a thread here but definitely feel that one needs some support.

Your situation will resonate with many and definitely has many aspects which echo my own 89 year old mother. The problem is, memory is such a vital part of our make up that when you lose it you cannot function properly.

The blaming is all part of it as there dementia takes away reasoning and sound thought processing. Sadly, the person who is there most gets the rough treatment. If your brother doesn’t visit, your mother’s only memories are of some time ago and she will cling to those.

As I am discovering, dementia alters a person so completely you can’t actually recognise them as the person they were. Have you contacted your local Alzheimer’s support? They are so helpful and also everyone here is helpful as well as knowledgeable.

My mother resisted help but I did it gradually with a very nice person to help with housework on the basis we would see how it goes - I chose someone really personable but experienced With dementia so that she could understand the challenges. Started with two hours per week - we now have help from an agency morning and evening for her and my father (she still maintain ps she doesn’t need it!). One morning, the carer was a little late and my mother was on the phone to me saying ”I’m worried no one is coming and your father and I really rely on them , you know” This spoke volumes and made me realise she just fights everything but I am just doing what it right for her and my 94 year old father.

Everything is “no” with a dementia patient. I feel for you.

 

[canary]

Hello @MELMJ and welcome to Talking Point

Oh I so recognise this scenario and expect that many many others will be nodding their heads and going "yup, me too".

Memory loss is the least of the problems in dementia and all of the leaflets, booklets and adverts that show a sweet elderly person smiling gratefully at their carer is total rubbish.
What you have described is classic middle stage dementia behaviour. It is so common it is almost diagnostic. What happens is that the person with dementia loses insight to their own condition and does not realise that there is anything wrong with themselves (a symptom called anosognosia), but they are aware that Something is not right. Things keep going missing (because they move them and forget), things dont work properly (because they have forgotten how to work them) and you are there all the time, even though she thinks she is doing everything herself (shes not, but shes forgotten).
She is unable to understand that it is she herself that is doing it, so in her mind it must be someone else. You are always around, so it must be you. Other family members - who are not around and therefore not "making her life hell" then become idealised in her mind.

It is hard not to take all of this personally, especially if you are tired. I would recommend that you switch your phone off at night so that you can sleep.
Also, dont try and argue or reason with her - it just doesnt work with dementia because they lose the ability to think logically.
You might find this thread on Compassionate Communication helpful. Although its impossible to stick to all the time it does help.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point MELMJ

I may not even know how to follow a thread here but definitely feel that one needs some support.

If you click on your name in the top right hand corner of the page you will see a J enclosed in a purple circle. If you click on that you will see a drop down box and your content. If you click on that you will see your posts.

At the top of the Thread you will see Watch If you click on this you will get an alert whenever anyone posts a reply.

I hope this will help.

 

[Sarasa]

@MELMJ and a very warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point..
Your mother sounds very much like mine at that age, though in her case it was the neighbours stealing things not me. Mum would bang on their door demanding items back and would phone the police on a regular basis. As others have said this sort of behaviour is typical of mid-stages dementia.
Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney? If you haven't now would be the time to try and get it in place, though your mother may not have the capacity to agree to it. If she hasn't and there is Deputyship which is more of a faff but doable. Certainly s things progress you are going to need to manage your mother's financial affairs. Maybe this is something your brother could help with if he doesn't want to be involved day to day.
In the end I moved mum to a care home. Even if she'd accepted help coming round there were times of the day when she'd have been on her own and that's when problems occurred. I know you've promised not to move her into care, but sometimes that is what a person with dementia needs even if it isn't what she wanted.
Keep posting, this is a very friendly and supportive site. I certainly found it a god-send when I was in the same situation as you.

 

[Violet Jane]

You say that your mother would be in a home were it not for you. Perhaps it is time for her to move into a home as you are clearly at breaking point and have no support at all. Nobody wants to go into a home - and relatives may promise that the PWD will never be put in a home - but unless you have intimate knowledge of dementia you cannot know how relentlessly difficult caring for a PWD will become and how long the caring role will go on for (it’s years not months).

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi and welcome, @MELMJ My first reaction is to say that it will not get better as dementia is a progressive illness. It may change, however, as the current set of obsessions gets replaced by something else. Sometimes that can lead to a calmer and in some ways easier time but there is no guarantee. It does rather sound as though she might need the kind of 24/7 supervision and care that a care home may provide. Ultimately, what the person needs to keep them safe is more important than what they want or any promises that have been made. If you look around this site you will see that a good care home can lead to a better life. It is something to seriously consider.

 

[Jale]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

 

[MELMJ]

Your situation will resonate with many and definitely has many aspects which echo my own 89 year old mother. The problem is, memory is such a vital part of our make up that when you lose it you cannot function properly.

The blaming is all part of it as there dementia takes away reasoning and sound thought processing. Sadly, the person who is there most gets the rough treatment. If your brother doesn’t visit, your mother’s only memories are of some time ago and she will cling to those.

As I am discovering, dementia alters a person so completely you can’t actually recognise them as the person they were. Have you contacted your local Alzheimer’s support? They are so helpful and also everyone here is helpful as well as knowledgeable.

My mother resisted help but I did it gradually with a very nice person to help with housework on the basis we would see how it goes - I chose someone really personable but experienced With dementia so that she could understand the challenges. Started with two hours per week - we now have help from an agency morning and evening for her and my father (she still maintain ps she doesn’t need it!). One morning, the carer was a little late and my mother was on the phone to me saying ”I’m worried no one is coming and your father and I really rely on them , you know” This spoke volumes and made me realise she just fights everything but I am just doing what it right for her and my 94 year old father.

Everything is “no” with a dementia patient. I feel for you.

Thank you.

 

[MELMJ]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

Thank you so much.

 

[MELMJ]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

Thank you so much

 

[MELMJ]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

Thank you so much

 

[MELMJ]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

Thank you

 

[MELMJ]

Hi MELMJ, oh boy much of what you have written could have been me writing 3 years ago. My brother lived with Mum (he has never left home) and did nothing except make her an occasional sandwich and cup of tea. Both myself and hubby did everything, even when carers went in mum was uncooperative with them and more often than not things fell back onto us. Mum regularly told anyone who would listen that her son did everything for her, whilst I did nothing and didn't care about her (she still actually, although now she is in a nursing home). There were other things that went on with mum and brother, things that were said and done that I will not forgive but won't go into here, but it all made the whole situation harder
It is very hard to be on the receiving end of sometimes such hate and vitriol and many times I went home from mums in tears. I knew that she couldn't help it and I needed to toughen up (or not listen) but that is often sometimes easier said than done.
I didn't want Mum to go into a home, and would have carried on caring for her in any way I could, but after a lengthy stay in hospital the situation was sort of taken out of our hands as she was immobile, double incontinent and a danger to herself. It was only after mum was moved to the home that I realised how close I was to breaking. Mum doesn't know me now and sometimes tells people that she only has a son.
Maybe it is time for at least carers to go in and help/assist your mum thus helping you - Stick around, you will find a lot of people who have gone through or are going through similar things, and even though they cannot physically help you it is good to know that you are not on your own.

I'm so non techie and I may have thanked you before. If I have, I apologise.

 

[Jale]