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Will she remember me?


Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
Mum has been in CH since 1st June. She has gone down hill so fast. I found out today she has become aggressive with the staff and are accusing them of hurting her. She is also very paranoid that the other residents dislike her. My mum used to be so placid and loved by everyone. The GP did an urgent referral back to the hospital but they tell me today nothing they can do. It’s her dementia. “ it’s a terminal illness you know?” Yes thank you I know that. They won’t change her medication and the home tell me they can cope with her. If she was a cancer patient in pain they would try every single drug and do everything to make her comfortable so why don’t they help? I just want to bring her home and hold her hand. No idea when I will see her again. Do I keep fighting or do I just try and let go?


Registered User
May 21, 2018
"It's just the dementia" is something which I think is said far too often. Have the staff/doctor ruled out physical causes for your mum's behaviour like constipation, UTI, pain?

It's still fairly early days for your mum @Sarah1208 and she may still be settling in. If she is aggressive and paranoid for much longer, I would say keep pushing for a medication review. I'm sorry things are so difficult. I know how heart breaking it is. My mum has been through times when she has been extremely aggressive and paranoid but she has never been placid. Sometimes it just seems to be "a bad day" but often, if longer than a day or so, it's been tracked down to a physical cause or a need for a change in medication.


Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
As Lemonbalm says have other physical causes been ruled out. My Mum would become very paranoid and aggressive if she had any type of infection, but also when she had a vitamin deficiency. Unfortunately because of this most of the other residents avoid her now although with some supplements and a change of medication she is generally a lot calmer.
It must be so frustrating for you. It is interesting that you say that the staff say that they can cope with the behaviours. How much distress is your Mum in and how often and how quickly can they diffuse the situation? It must be so tough when you cannot see for yourself. Sorry I don’t think I have helped much but I think we all fight as much as we can for our loved ones.
I am assuming the Care Home are not allowing visits

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
How horrible for both of you especially when you are so remote.
Like you I get fed up of being told it’s the dementia and think behavioural changes are just written off. There may well be a physical cause that could be resolved quickly.
i agree with @lemonbalm, keep pushing for a medical review.


Registered User
May 21, 2018
One other thing springs to mind. The staff should be noting when your mum is behaving aggressively to see if it is linked with specific things and whether they can change how they do those things. For example, personal care can be very distressing, or meal times. My mum can be extremely agitated around mealtimes, probably due to the extra noise (why can't care home staff do things like laying the table quietly?) and other residents moving around all at once - and the fact that she often doesn't want to be around other people. She is also so agitated by showering/bathing much of the time that it's just not worth trying unless really needed. She doesn't seem to mind a "strip wash" every morning though.

I know it's excruciating waiting to see what works but your mum is unlikely to remember.


Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
I would put UTI at the top of the list. This can seriously affect behaviour. My SIL is in a very good care home but comparing notes with another visitor we found she had been wearing the same clothes for a week right down to her socks! When we complained they said she gets up early and puts on the previous days clothes. These of course should have been put in the laundry bag. If she is wearing the same pants for a week and possibly not showering she will end up with a UTI which is so common in old people whose personal hygiene is reduced.


Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
Just a quick thing - with my Mum, who got very agitated and physical with staff during personal care, they did try doing this without wearing uniform, i.e. in normal clothes, to see if the uniform was what was triggering her. Sadly it didn't work, but I think the reasoning is valid, i.e. is something triggering this behaviour.

We tried Mermantine and Lorazepam too, but although these made her very drowsy, they were deemed to be not effective as she began to slide off chairs etc.
This really is tough, I hope you find something that helps.