Will it ever get easier?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Jean1234, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    252
    reading everyone’s posts of how they are all struggling with caring for their OH at home and remembering how desperate I was when in the same situation - I feel I should be grateful that now he is in care I have a much easier life. Physically yes but emotionally no. It’s so hard watching the man you love deteriorating so fast. You think you have got a hold on it then suddenly the grief hits you like a thunderbolt and even months after he went into the home I find myself howling and missing the man I expected to still be with. I’m sorry to whine but I am just so very very unhappy. When does it get easier? How do I learn to live with the situation?
     
  2. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    77
    I am so with you Jean. I feel for everyone who is struggling with their loved ones at home and feel very guilty that I gave up !. My OH too, is now in a CH once his mobility became an issue which i couldn't cope with on my own. Now like you I sit with him in his room and try to keep up a brave front. I desperately want to share with him things that have happened at home such as seeing the hedgehogs back, what is growing in the garden, but I can't because it starts him off asking why can't he come home . I miss his funny little ways like getting the garage open and the car unlocked ready for me to go to work. The things that keeps me going are that my friends and family reminding me of how it used to be, that he is safe and well looked after. I take each day at a time. I have horrible days when I'm driving back with tears streaming down my face and then others when I see how much he struggles but is safe. I'm not sure I'll ever learn to live with the situation but I'll certainly try cope with it, as I'm not so tired as when we lived together and I'll try to stay positive.
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,789
    Female
    Scotland
    I don’t think it gets easier just different. We are in the seventh year and the middle years were worst as his wandering caused real emotional despair. Now his mobility and capacity have deteriorated so that he couldn’t wander even if he wanted but physically he needs so much more help.

    Of course each year I get older and for the first time this year I am acknowledging that I won’t be able to keep this up indefinitely.

    This is a hard hard situation to live with.
     
  4. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    My OH is now in a care home, life with him was awful, but life without him is worse, but I know he is safe, I feel guilty that I couldn't cope anymore. At least he is not alone, I spend all day talking to the dog and trying to sort everything out, the list is endless:(.
     
  5. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Oh how this thread has helped me. I too read the Forum's posts regularly and noticed that hardly anyone's husband is in a CH. My husband has moderate Vascular Dementia and cannot hold a conversation. He's very very stubborn and determined to get his own way. I'm afraid I suffer from chronic depression and my doctor has said that I really can't look after him at home as she's afraid of the consequences (she was ready to admit me to hospital yesterday. I said no - I could just imagine me in a straight-jacket!). My OH is currently in a memory care hospital but will be discharged soon and I lose sleep over this. I want to find a nice CH for him - I'll spend every day with him, all day if necessary, but I feel so guilty and such a failure :-( .
     
  6. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    I can only visit my husband once or twice a week as I haven't got any transport and it is not on a bus route, I use a volunteer driver but it is £15 each trip, I feel guilty that I can't go more often, but to be honest I don't think he has any idea whether I have been of not, sometimes I wonder why I bother as all he does is walk up and down the corridors and I talk to the staff, The care home although not posh is very good and the carers are lovely, I hope you find somewhere for your husband soon. Take care Lx
     
  7. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,179
    I am sorry about your depression, you've obviously done such a good job of looking after your husband. Please don't feel a failure. I write the thread: Please don't throw me away on this forum (I have a partner with dementia) which is all about my husband in a nursing home and what the care family gets up to. It is a loving and happy place. I spent about three hours most days with my husband and am now the home's first official volunteer and it is a good thing to do. I tell myself what could be guilt is in fact grief, and grief is normal. Keep in touch with us on TP, you will find reassurance and ideas here. Warmest, Kindred.
     
  8. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,179
    All my sympathy and fellow feeling. I think we have to be careful not to exchange one hell for another. You were desperate when struggling with caring at home and now of course you miss him so very much. I miss my husband too, so much. I spent about three hours most days with him, and I work alongside the caring team as one of them, doing activities etc. I find this helps. This is almost unbearably hard, I know, I really do. warmest, Kindred.
     
  9. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,342
    Like Marionq, I feel life never gets better, just gets different when one loves someone whose health and abilities are diminishing.
    Whether we care at home which is so tiring and often frustrating dealing with the external pressures, or care from afar with a lonely home life, a distance to navigate with or without transport, it is tough either way.
    Whatever, negative feelings such a guilt make bad things worse, positive feelings such as a light touch and a pinch of humour in all things lessen the load.
    We have little control over the circumstances we at dealt but we do have control on how we respond.
    I find it helps to remember Richard Bach's words. ' every problem has a gift in it ...........you have to search for it though'.
    My, how we have to search sometimes, but we do and survive and keep caring.
    Just do not let regret and guilt disable us.
     
  10. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Thank you! Yes, I usually have to rush out without saying goodbye as it's too traumatic when I go. I leave in floods of tears but the next day he doesn't remember anything. I just want my old husband back, I really do :-( I miss him so much.
     
  11. KatieR

    KatieR Registered User

    Mar 13, 2019
    32
    Female
    Thank you Kindred - you've always been so kind to me and I appreciate it very much. I really hope I can find a nice CH (I live in Portugal - my OH is Portuguese, but I'm British and we don't have the subsidies you have in the UK :-( ). Looking at the finances at the moment. XXXX
     
  12. Martarita

    Martarita Registered User

    May 11, 2018
    112
    I have been posting these last couple of days and reading other threads about loved ones going in care homes ,i too have been caring for my O H 4years+ which the last few month was so hard on me it made me ill physically and emotionally , I couldn't care at home any longer I felt sp ill , I had to think about a care home for him ,he's now in a lovely care home with corridors for his walking about and he's well looked after and safe all the staff love him . But I haven't been able to see him for 10 days now as I've been poorly finished up in hospital and been in bed for a few days , all I'm doing is thinking why couldn't I carry on why has this happened why can't I have my lovely husband back .i miss him so much it hurts .i really don't know how to manage with the situation like you Jean I know exactly how you are feeling ,my heart is broken as yours will be .i don't know how to get passed this it's going to be so hard as you well know . So Jean take care of yourself my thoughts are with you I really do know how you feel .XX
     

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