Will I ever get over losing my husband

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,476
Dundee
It is hard but would you really want them to continue with dementia? Like @di65 it was the actual death which troubles me as it was not an easy one for my husband who was indeed a good man. It plays over in my mind and I have to force myself to let go of it.

Good wishes to you all.
That's exactly how I feel Marion. I still can't get that last week and those last hours out of my head. It will always be a part of me but now I can put it in a compartment and try to live a different life.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,008
Scotland
@Grannie G - you said Sylvia that you must replace more recent dementia photos with those taken in happier times. This is what I did. I got a photo taken in 1965 just a few weeks before we got married in New Zealand and one taken in 2013 I think, taken in Asheville USA. We are standing together in exactly the same way almost 50 years apart. I have these photos beside each other to remind me of a long lasting happy marriage blighted only by dementia which was no blame on either of us.

My children and grandchildren often pick up both and study them. Yes, the dark hair and svelte figures are gone but the people we were are still there.
 

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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,378
Kent
My children and grandchildren often pick up both and study them. Yes, the dark hair and svelte figures are gone but the people we were are still there.
It`s lovely for both your children and grandchildren to have these photos @marionq. It`s good for them to see you as you were, especially your grandchildren.
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
Me too with the ‘better’ photo. When it was time to get the service card printed for his funeral, one of our sons was helping me with it. He was sorting through the photos and held one up and said “this one Mum- this was taken pre sh*t and is just how I would like to remember Dad” I had to agree, it was taken about 15 years ago and I now have it pride of place on the sideboard. I have another taken on a European holiday in 2010 beside my bed and say goodnight to every night.
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CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
108
It is hard but would you really want them to continue with dementia? Like @di65 it was the actual death which troubles me as it was not an easy one for my husband who was indeed a good man. It plays over in my mind and I have to force myself to let go of it.

Good wishes to you all.
That's what I think, when I miss mum. I try to remind myself that she would have only got worse, she wouldnt have got better. As it was, a lot of the time she sat in the house, eyes shut, asleep, so she wasnt always awake when she was here. Also I am very fortunate insofar as mum had a peaceful ending, so I should be grateful. i try to remind myself of that when I start to feel weepy.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,476
Dundee
These are lovely photos.

I too have photos of the good times round the house. A week or two after Bill died I had an A4 photo book of my favourite photos of him made. Although I don’t look through it much now it sits on my chest of drawers in the bedroom and the front cover is a full size photo of him at his best. I talk to it often! I also have one in a frame by bed which I say goodnight to every night. It was taken in Ravello in Italy. I’d love to share it but I’m not at home just now. It was before digital cameras! When I get back I’ll snap it and share it. It always made both of us laugh as he’s wearing a sun hat which he insisted made him look suave!
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
This is also a favourite one, taken just a year ago on our Golden Wedding. Although he had no idea what all the fuss was about, he had a wonderful time - there was cake!! The Care Home staff made a great fuss of us both, it was just such a shame we didn’t have the big celebration we had always planned
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CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
108
That's what I think, when I miss mum. I try to remind myself that she would have only got worse, she wouldnt have got better. As it was, a lot of the time she sat in the house, eyes shut, asleep, so she wasnt always awake when she was here. Also I am very fortunate insofar as mum had a peaceful ending, so I should be grateful. i try to remind myself of that when I start to feel weepy.
I finally found out how to reduce the size of photos and can post them on here! so here goes! Another pic of my lovely mum...
 

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Bree

Registered User
Oct 16, 2013
242
I don't believe that you actually 'get over' losing a loved one, especially a spouse. I lost my dear husband last July. The pain remains, and is at times as intense as it was than.

My consolation is that I knew that I did all I could for him, and that our son and I were with him at the end, peacefully at home. I'm not a person to wear my heart on my sleeve, I can chat and even laugh at some things,and I imagine that people think that I'm coping really well with his loss, but they don't see me when I cry, and don't go out as I feel so alone and miserable. I have started to work in a charity shop, which does me good, and helps the charity of course.

I'm not a 'club' person, my husband and I did everything together, seeing close friends from time to time, walking was our main hobby, which we loved. So the thought of joining groups isn't for me, but thankfully I have a few close friends who are keeping me going.

We all cope in different ways, the one horror I have is of giving people the wrong idea, that I don't feel my grief, but then does it matter what they think. I have his casket in a drawer on his side of the bed, and his photo by my bedside, to feel closer to him, and wish him good morning every day. I get some comfort from that.

One of the worst things he said to me near the end, when I entered the bedroom was 'why did we fall out' ? I said that we hadn't fallen out, his reply was 'no, why did we EVER fall out'. That will always live with me.