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Will I ever get over losing my husband

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,046
69
Dundee
It is hard but would you really want them to continue with dementia? Like @di65 it was the actual death which troubles me as it was not an easy one for my husband who was indeed a good man. It plays over in my mind and I have to force myself to let go of it.

Good wishes to you all.
That's exactly how I feel Marion. I still can't get that last week and those last hours out of my head. It will always be a part of me but now I can put it in a compartment and try to live a different life.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,097
Scotland
@Grannie G - you said Sylvia that you must replace more recent dementia photos with those taken in happier times. This is what I did. I got a photo taken in 1965 just a few weeks before we got married in New Zealand and one taken in 2013 I think, taken in Asheville USA. We are standing together in exactly the same way almost 50 years apart. I have these photos beside each other to remind me of a long lasting happy marriage blighted only by dementia which was no blame on either of us.

My children and grandchildren often pick up both and study them. Yes, the dark hair and svelte figures are gone but the people we were are still there.
 

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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,315
Kent
My children and grandchildren often pick up both and study them. Yes, the dark hair and svelte figures are gone but the people we were are still there.
It`s lovely for both your children and grandchildren to have these photos @marionq. It`s good for them to see you as you were, especially your grandchildren.
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
Me too with the ‘better’ photo. When it was time to get the service card printed for his funeral, one of our sons was helping me with it. He was sorting through the photos and held one up and said “this one Mum- this was taken pre sh*t and is just how I would like to remember Dad” I had to agree, it was taken about 15 years ago and I now have it pride of place on the sideboard. I have another taken on a European holiday in 2010 beside my bed and say goodnight to every night.
upload_2020-1-20_9-28-18.png
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
171
It is hard but would you really want them to continue with dementia? Like @di65 it was the actual death which troubles me as it was not an easy one for my husband who was indeed a good man. It plays over in my mind and I have to force myself to let go of it.

Good wishes to you all.
That's what I think, when I miss mum. I try to remind myself that she would have only got worse, she wouldnt have got better. As it was, a lot of the time she sat in the house, eyes shut, asleep, so she wasnt always awake when she was here. Also I am very fortunate insofar as mum had a peaceful ending, so I should be grateful. i try to remind myself of that when I start to feel weepy.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,046
69
Dundee
These are lovely photos.

I too have photos of the good times round the house. A week or two after Bill died I had an A4 photo book of my favourite photos of him made. Although I don’t look through it much now it sits on my chest of drawers in the bedroom and the front cover is a full size photo of him at his best. I talk to it often! I also have one in a frame by bed which I say goodnight to every night. It was taken in Ravello in Italy. I’d love to share it but I’m not at home just now. It was before digital cameras! When I get back I’ll snap it and share it. It always made both of us laugh as he’s wearing a sun hat which he insisted made him look suave!
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
This is also a favourite one, taken just a year ago on our Golden Wedding. Although he had no idea what all the fuss was about, he had a wonderful time - there was cake!! The Care Home staff made a great fuss of us both, it was just such a shame we didn’t have the big celebration we had always planned
upload_2020-1-21_17-56-13.png
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
171
That's what I think, when I miss mum. I try to remind myself that she would have only got worse, she wouldnt have got better. As it was, a lot of the time she sat in the house, eyes shut, asleep, so she wasnt always awake when she was here. Also I am very fortunate insofar as mum had a peaceful ending, so I should be grateful. i try to remind myself of that when I start to feel weepy.
I finally found out how to reduce the size of photos and can post them on here! so here goes! Another pic of my lovely mum...
 

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Bree

Registered User
Oct 16, 2013
242
I don't believe that you actually 'get over' losing a loved one, especially a spouse. I lost my dear husband last July. The pain remains, and is at times as intense as it was than.

My consolation is that I knew that I did all I could for him, and that our son and I were with him at the end, peacefully at home. I'm not a person to wear my heart on my sleeve, I can chat and even laugh at some things,and I imagine that people think that I'm coping really well with his loss, but they don't see me when I cry, and don't go out as I feel so alone and miserable. I have started to work in a charity shop, which does me good, and helps the charity of course.

I'm not a 'club' person, my husband and I did everything together, seeing close friends from time to time, walking was our main hobby, which we loved. So the thought of joining groups isn't for me, but thankfully I have a few close friends who are keeping me going.

We all cope in different ways, the one horror I have is of giving people the wrong idea, that I don't feel my grief, but then does it matter what they think. I have his casket in a drawer on his side of the bed, and his photo by my bedside, to feel closer to him, and wish him good morning every day. I get some comfort from that.

One of the worst things he said to me near the end, when I entered the bedroom was 'why did we fall out' ? I said that we hadn't fallen out, his reply was 'no, why did we EVER fall out'. That will always live with me.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
667
Devon
Dear all those suffering loss. My wife has been in a care home for 8 months now and with lock down I expect not to see her till June or July.
I got to speak to her this morning but she was very confused on the phone and just said hello. It breaks my heart to listen to her, my once vibrant, clever, chatting wife who’s been robbed of her abilities.

I’m on my own now and hate it. There still part of me wants her home again after all we’ve been together for 30years. I get through the days just. I compensate by knowing I couldn’t cope here with her with dementia and the virus and isolating.

I ache for her. She loved me so much and I found love with her. Sometimes I wish the virus would take me and then I’d be free of the heartache. Then my family would suffer so there’s no escape

Just one day at a time. I’m not a strong man when it comes this sort of thing and I cry easily. So many regrets, so many ‘what ifs’. My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell her enough that I loved her. Now it’s an emotion she struggles to understand.

If only we could all meet up to share support instead of this distance between us

peterxx
 

Jean Ashurst

New member
Mar 30, 2020
3
I haven’t been on here for a while. My darling husband died last December at the age of just 56 after a battle with young onset Alzheimer’s disease. It is nearly 10 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I have had counselling and am on anti depressants but nothing helps. I can’t move forward. It miss him so much but more than that, I feel so sad that he had such a large part of his life stolen from him. He was the most loving and generous person I have ever known. I try to fill my days with seeing friends but mostly just sit and watch television. It is escapism for a while. I can’t muster up another enthusiasm for joining any groups or volunteering. I am just a mess who misses the life I once had with a wonderful person. People tell me it will get better and I will be able to look back and smile about the life we had together but it isn’t getting any better.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I couldn’t always deal with the incontinence, the sun downing and the challenges that caring for a person with Alzheimer’s brings with a cheery heart but I would give anything to be able to carry on caring for him. Life is so cruel.
My husband has just gone into a care home and I can connect with how you feel, I wish I could have kept him at home but it just wasn't safe and became impossible, I miss him so much every single day. I hope you find peace and some happiness, life is so cruel xxx
 

Jean Ashurst

New member
Mar 30, 2020
3
Dear all those suffering loss. My wife has been in a care home for 8 months now and with lock down I expect not to see her till June or July.
I got to speak to her this morning but she was very confused on the phone and just said hello. It breaks my heart to listen to her, my once vibrant, clever, chatting wife who’s been robbed of her abilities.

I’m on my own now and hate it. There still part of me wants her home again after all we’ve been together for 30years. I get through the days just. I compensate by knowing I couldn’t cope here with her with dementia and the virus and isolating.

I ache for her. She loved me so much and I found love with her. Sometimes I wish the virus would take me and then I’d be free of the heartache. Then my family would suffer so there’s no escape

Just one day at a time. I’m not a strong man when it comes this sort of thing and I cry easily. So many regrets, so many ‘what ifs’. My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell her enough that I loved her. Now it’s an emotion she struggles to understand.

If only we could all meet up to share support instead of this distance between us

peterxx
I feel your pain, it was our 53rd wedding anniversary last week and I spent it alone, my husbands home has been in lock down 16 days and I miss him so much just feel like bringing him home but I know I couldn't cope, it's so very hard, my prayers are with you. Xxx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
667
Devon
I haven’t been on here for a while. My darling husband died last December at the age of just 56 after a battle with young onset Alzheimer’s disease. It is nearly 10 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I have had counselling and am on anti depressants but nothing helps. I can’t move forward. It miss him so much but more than that, I feel so sad that he had such a large part of his life stolen from him. He was the most loving and generous person I have ever known. I try to fill my days with seeing friends but mostly just sit and watch television. It is escapism for a while. I can’t muster up another enthusiasm for joining any groups or volunteering. I am just a mess who misses the life I once had with a wonderful person. People tell me it will get better and I will be able to look back and smile about the life we had together but it isn’t getting any better.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I couldn’t always deal with the incontinence, the sun downing and the challenges that caring for a person with Alzheimer’s brings with a cheery heart but I would give anything to be able to carry on caring for him. Life is so cruel.
I’ve just come across your post and felt I had to reply
I know it was last year but grief doesn’t respect time. I can fully understand your agony as my wife, although still alive, is in lockdown in a carehome. She’s been there since last September 2019 and it’s a lot like bereavement in that I’m on my own now and she is leading her life away from me.
I too feel guilty that I couldn’t manage her behaviour. All she cared about in the end was to get away from the house and live somewhere else. Everyday I wish her back with me but I know deep down it would be a disaster, especially the self isolating.

I have advice given about remember the good times, she wouldn’t want you unhappy but nothing helps. I cry most days and am frightened for my future, and hers of course.
Life is indeed very cruel and unfair and I think often ‘why us ‘. But, of course, there is no right answer. It’s our own personal hell and can only be helped by acceptance but for me that’s a long way down the line.
Reply if you want as I think talking about can help

Peter
 

Nameless

Registered User
Jun 10, 2016
120
My husband passed away 16 months ago at the age of 53. He received the diagnosis when he turned 50. Those three years were so sad, confusing and exhausting. I’ve needed so much time after his passing away, to catch my breath again and to digest all the sadness that I didn’t have time to come to terms with during his illness. Like you all know from your own experience, it’s so very, very hard to watch someone you love slowly fade away. My husbands Alzheimer disease progressed extremely fast the last 6 months. When he passed away I was devastated, sad, angry, numb etc. I still miss him every day and I’m so sad that we couldn’t grow old together. He was the love of my life, no one else can ever take that place. The passing of time does help my grief, but very slowly and with many ups and downs. I think the grief will never go away, but with time I’ll learn to live with it.
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
171
Dementia makes the grief process problematic. My mother passed away last November. She was active up to a month before she died, but caught a cold and that was it. Her death itself was peaceful, but before that she was in and out of hospital. It's like seeing a train hurtle down a hill; you see it, know its going to crash but cant do anuthing to stop it. My only consolation, besides the fact that she passed away before this virus, is that she reached a good age. I cant imagine how youmust feel, cheated of a life together. It take time to process that, you will be grieving for the life you could have had as well as for him. I hope coming on here helps. I have had some difficult emotional times during this lockdown, and venting off on here has helped The problem is anything can set me off. I was just listening to a livestream organ recital and he played part of Faures requiem then followed that by playing Nimrod by Elgar. Talk about emotional. I hope you are managing during this trying time. Take care
 

AnnaKarsten

Registered User
May 6, 2020
12
This month will mark 6 years since my husband died and I have just realised I am actually getting used to my loss.

All the photos I have of him around the house are of him with dementia and only now am I looking for more positive photos to replace them.

When I thought of him it was always in the environment of dementia, either at home with me with challenging behaviour and very few good times or in the care home in the later stages as a vulnerable and very poorly man.

Only now I am beginning to think of him with gratitude for the life we shared.

Hold tight, those of you with inconsolable grief.
 

AnnaKarsten

Registered User
May 6, 2020
12
Dear Grannie G, I have read your posts over the last few years and find some hope in what you say. I've only just joined TP after reading for some time and gaining knowledge and comfort from yours and others threads. I'm still struggling with my memories of my husband's last year. I am not yet at the point where I can remember what he was like before dementia, and that is hard. That you are six years on and can now remember happier times makes me hopeful that I too will get there and that eventually I will be able to remember the man he was, rather than the man he became because dementia took him from me.

Anna
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,097
Scotland
I too am encouraged by Sylvia’s/Granny Gs post. So many bad memories occur during the period of dementia that it is hard to focus on the good things. Latterly my husband was very frail and the years of despair as he wandered and behaved irrationally and bizarrely started to fade. By the time he died six months ago I just felt sad at the invalid he was becoming.

Today I had to place his last remaining sibling in a care home as she too succumbed to Alzheimer’s. The relief of handing her over to professionals was guilt free as I could not go through this again.

So when I feel sad for what I’ve lost I remind myself strongly of the reality of dementia on a day to day basis and am grateful for the chance of peace of mind and a lot of good memories.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,046
69
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @AnnaKarsten. I’m glad you have found the forum and I hope you find some comfort in posting here.

It’s almost 4 years now since I lost my husband. I still miss my him terribly but most of my memories now are of a time long ago before dementia. He was diagnosed in 2001 and died in 2016 so the best memories are of some time back. I hope that as time goes by the good memories begin to replace the hard ones for you too.

@Marion you must be emotionally drained. I hope you now are able to build your own emotional strength.