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Will I ever get over losing my husband

Alison N

Registered User
Jan 3, 2015
212
Surrey
I haven’t been on here for a while. My darling husband died last December at the age of just 56 after a battle with young onset Alzheimer’s disease. It is nearly 10 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I have had counselling and am on anti depressants but nothing helps. I can’t move forward. It miss him so much but more than that, I feel so sad that he had such a large part of his life stolen from him. He was the most loving and generous person I have ever known. I try to fill my days with seeing friends but mostly just sit and watch television. It is escapism for a while. I can’t muster up another enthusiasm for joining any groups or volunteering. I am just a mess who misses the life I once had with a wonderful person. People tell me it will get better and I will be able to look back and smile about the life we had together but it isn’t getting any better.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I couldn’t always deal with the incontinence, the sun downing and the challenges that caring for a person with Alzheimer’s brings with a cheery heart but I would give anything to be able to carry on caring for him. Life is so cruel.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,781
Yorkshire
So sorry to read this.
No wonder you are sad. It is a dreadful thing to have happened, and it still isn't a year yet.

You have sought help and counselling and try to see friends, & speak of activities, so you know what the best way forward is. Just be as kind as possible to yourself, and take one step at a time.
People on this site are kind and will help and/or advise, I am sure.

Thinking of you. Very best wishes that it will get easier. xx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,184
Scotland
Going over what happened and what might have been is so painful. The whole dementia experience takes you over the edge. Getting out in the fresh air is a first start to normality either through health walks via your GP or a rambling club. Make small starts to exercise then build up as you gather your strength. We definitely all understand d the problem.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Hi @Alison N, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my partner over ten years ago now, she passed away unexpectedly, the first year was absolutely wretched, abysmal and dark - I still think about her every day but it does ease over time. I also appreciate the guilt with dementia - Mum passed away 10 months ago and I still harbour those feelings of guilt and the 'I wish I had.......'. I also think it is more difficult as time goes on to talk to friends about it as for them it's in the distant past whilst for us it's always fresh and alive in our thoughts. Counselling does help but as you have found it isn't the panacea. I don't know if any of this helps! I wish you all the best.
 

sadman67

New member
Nov 7, 2019
9
first post new member please bear with me
I lost my wife of 27 years in June 2018, I was there till the end and whilst each person's experience of grief is different, it will get better, every day when I wake I still think about her and miss her like crazy but i remember the good times the days we spent laughing at life together and try to forget the bad days.

I feel guilty about the times that I got angry and struggled to cope caring for her at home with the help of carers who she would always make them smile but I know she loved me and would forgive me for those times and i'm sure your husband feels the same way and would not want you to feel guilty. it is hard and each day can be a challenge but remember each journey is a step forward, try to stay positive and talk about your husband to anyone and everyone it helps to keep their memories alive both with you and other. finally remember you were loved and they were a person not an illness
hope this help a bit sorry if I woffled on a bit
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,204
Bristol
Welcome to DTP @sadman67. Sorry for your loss and the grief you are going through. You are in the right place to find support from others going through the same trials and emotions.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
I haven’t been on here for a while. My darling husband died last December at the age of just 56 after a battle with young onset Alzheimer’s disease. It is nearly 10 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I have had counselling and am on anti depressants but nothing helps. I can’t move forward. It miss him so much but more than that, I feel so sad that he had such a large part of his life stolen from him. He was the most loving and generous person I have ever known. I try to fill my days with seeing friends but mostly just sit and watch television. It is escapism for a while. I can’t muster up another enthusiasm for joining any groups or volunteering. I am just a mess who misses the life I once had with a wonderful person. People tell me it will get better and I will be able to look back and smile about the life we had together but it isn’t getting any better.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I couldn’t always deal with the incontinence, the sun downing and the challenges that caring for a person with Alzheimer’s brings with a cheery heart but I would give anything to be able to carry on caring for him. Life is so cruel.
Hi there . I’ve just seen your post and felt I had to reply. My wife (vascular dementia) is a stranger to me now and has been in a home for 4 months and doesn’t recognise me only as a friend. I see her slipping away each time I see her and desperately want her to hold me, kiss me, love me but none of this is now possible. She just pushes me away. I too am on medication and have counselling but I’m in agony every day and scared being on my own.

Like you I have little enthusiasm for anything and often go to bed anytime during the day to get rid of the day. After a while people stop contact and they sort of expect me to get on with mine. I love my wife so much and would give up years of my life if would make her any better. I really don’t care about my welfare, only hers.

Dementia is THE cruelest condition and unless you’ve been through it cannot compare it to anything else.

My heart goes out to you

Peter
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,223
69
Dundee
@Alison N - I’m so sorry to read of your loss and of how difficult you are finding things.

I think @sadman67’s post is spot on. I lost my husband in July 16 and I echo all the sentiments in that post. Our 41st wedding anniversary is Dec 29th and I’m sad he’s not here to share it with me. I think about him every day but the pain is mostly less sharp.

I’m glad you’ve shared your thoughts here and I hope it helps a little to know that people here understand. Wishing you strength.
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,004
Colchester
Reading all these letters is like reading about myself. I am in a miserable hole and cannot bring myselt out of it. My husband died suddenly in May this year, after 11 years of dementia. I would not want to wish him back to suffer anymore, but if i could just visit and give hime a hug it would mean everything. It is the knowing that I will never see him again or talk to him or touch him that is just so difficult to come to terms with. Since he died I have put on a stone in weight because I cannot motivate myself to do anything more than I have to. I have friends and we meet and have lunch sometimes, we talk on the phone and I do try to do things, but nothing can lift my mood. I don't feel that i have a life but it is my own fault. Just can't pull myself together so to speak. I can sympathise with you all.xx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,524
Reading all these letters is like reading about myself. I am in a miserable hole and cannot bring myselt out of it. My husband died suddenly in May this year, after 11 years of dementia. I would not want to wish him back to suffer anymore, but if i could just visit and give hime a hug it would mean everything. It is the knowing that I will never see him again or talk to him or touch him that is just so difficult to come to terms with. Since he died I have put on a stone in weight because I cannot motivate myself to do anything more than I have to. I have friends and we meet and have lunch sometimes, we talk on the phone and I do try to do things, but nothing can lift my mood. I don't feel that i have a life but it is my own fault. Just can't pull myself together so to speak. I can sympathise with you all.xx
all my sympathy and fellow feeling to you. My man died in July this year. My mood is low and full of such painful sadness. What I do is pretend. I act as if I am interested or motivated. I feel like I am living on two layers, the one underneath, the grief (and grief is normal) and the one on the top who is acting sorted and coping. It isn't comfortable but it gets me through the day. I did join a website for widows which has a talking point similar to this one, but it was so so dark and painful I came back to this one where I feel I am with family, if you see what I mean. TP helps me at so many levels and it is good that we are posting. All my understanding and thoughts. Kindred.x
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,004
Colchester
all my sympathy and fellow feeling to you. My man died in July this year. My mood is low and full of such painful sadness. What I do is pretend. I act as if I am interested or motivated. I feel like I am living on two layers, the one underneath, the grief (and grief is normal) and the one on the top who is acting sorted and coping. It isn't comfortable but it gets me through the day. I did join a website for widows which has a talking point similar to this one, but it was so so dark and painful I came back to this one where I feel I am with family, if you see what I mean. TP helps me at so many levels and it is good that we are posting. All my understanding and thoughts. Kindred.x
mum must be dloing ok now.
Thank you Kindred. I feel abandoned. Its like "Oh its 6 months now since Dad died." like it must be ok now. They are busy with familes and juggling financies etc. I feel like I just want it all to be ok and its not going to be. Sorry I know you are going through the pain. I wish you peace.xxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,094
Kent
This month will mark 6 years since my husband died and I have just realised I am actually getting used to my loss.

All the photos I have of him around the house are of him with dementia and only now am I looking for more positive photos to replace them.

When I thought of him it was always in the environment of dementia, either at home with me with challenging behaviour and very few good times or in the care home in the later stages as a vulnerable and very poorly man.

Only now I am beginning to think of him with gratitude for the life we shared.

Hold tight, those of you with inconsolable grief.
 

Alison N

Registered User
Jan 3, 2015
212
Surrey
I don't think we get over the loss of a loved one. This poem sums up exactly how I feel.

https://friendsforsurvival.org/blog/f/grief-by-gwen-flowers.
Only someone that has experienced grief could have written this poem. Thank you to all of you. I know I am not alone but I feel that I am when I am in those dark moments as all of you must feel. I met with a friend yesterday who has also lost her husband recently and she said she could cope with the fact that he would never get any better and it helped her. I try to have this in my mind when I am really down but it is still difficult.
It’s a new year and all those ‘firsts’ have come and gone and I have dealt with them. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I suppose it means I am stronger than I think. I hope in time I can think as Grannie G thinks, and feel gratitude for the life that we shared. My love to you all xx
 

KeddyL

Registered User
Jun 8, 2014
24
Hello, i'm so sorry to read your post. It made me feel sad.

My mum died a year ago tomorrow aged 57 from early onset. My dad was our hero. He cared for my mum every day through her battle with dementia. She was lucky enough to be able to stay at home and he was there with me and my brothers till she took her last breath.

I never really seen my dad cry growing up.. but with mum he has.. alot. He still does, probably everyday. I can see in his eyes how much his heart is truely broken. How his life how he has known it for the last 10 years isnt the same. I was so worried about him just before my mum died as to what he will do. He has gone to work at the day service he used to take my mum too. He gets himself out alot and has taken up some hobbies.

I feel the same as you. I can't get my head around how so much of her life has been taken away. I crave for a family life. I crave a mum figure. My mum. We all miss her so bad.

I'm glad you have been to see a counsellor. I try and do 1 thing extra a week and will gradually build it up. Rebuilding your life after losing someone is tough. Stick at it. Sending lots of love and healing. Laura xx
 

Alison N

Registered User
Jan 3, 2015
212
Surrey
Hello, i'm so sorry to read your post. It made me feel sad.

My mum died a year ago tomorrow aged 57 from early onset. My dad was our hero. He cared for my mum every day through her battle with dementia. She was lucky enough to be able to stay at home and he was there with me and my brothers till she took her last breath.

I never really seen my dad cry growing up.. but with mum he has.. alot. He still does, probably everyday. I can see in his eyes how much his heart is truely broken. How his life how he has known it for the last 10 years isnt the same. I was so worried about him just before my mum died as to what he will do. He has gone to work at the day service he used to take my mum too. He gets himself out alot and has taken up some hobbies.

I feel the same as you. I can't get my head around how so much of her life has been taken away. I crave for a family life. I crave a mum figure. My mum. We all miss her so bad.

I'm glad you have been to see a counsellor. I try and do 1 thing extra a week and will gradually build it up. Rebuilding your life after losing someone is tough. Stick at it. Sending lots of love and healing. Laura xx
Dear Laura, thank you for your message. The feeling of missing them and wanting them back never goes away but I am getting used to my husband not being around. I hate it but I have accepted it as I know he will never come back. I have times where I don’t want to carry on without him but I know I must and you will also feel the way I feel. I hope you are gradually healing and wish you peace and love x
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
I haven't been on TP for quite some time now. Mainly because I have been trying to come to terms with my husband’s sudden passing. It was everyone’s (medical staff, family, carers etc) that he was so healthy apart from his dementia, that he may stay with us for years. His Mum is still with us at nearly 97, and there were no indications that he wouldn’t also live to a ripe old alap. That is, until one day when he just collapsed in the hallway on his way back from his routine monthly medical checkup. His two favourite carers were with him, but were unable to stop him from hitting the floor. It turned out that the had had a massive brain bleed. They got him back to his room and he then had a massive seizure which lasted about half an hour. By the time I got there (I was at a funeral and had to cross town) the ambulance was in attendance and they took him to hospital. He was admitted straightaway to the Medical Ward, and I and rotating family members and friends stood vigil over the next five days whilst he struggled with his demons. I would never want anyone to suffer in this way and find that the hospital staff have heir hands tied as to helping the patient more than palliative care when a DNA order is in place - so cruel. I have no arguments at all in the way the lovely Care Home staff treated him that day, nor in the way the Hospital staff did, I just wish that my poor darling husband could have passed away under nicer circumstances. He didn’t deserve this, he was the most caring man, doing his best for every one.
Life has taken an about turn for me now, and I have great support from friends and family I wanted, and the huge hole in my life that will never be filled again. I have joined a Loss and Grief Centre which has helped tremendously, and am finding new things to do, so fingers crossed the numbness will fade some day.
As we say here in NZ - Kia Kaha everyone. “Keep Strong”
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,184
Scotland
It is hard but would you really want them to continue with dementia? Like @di65 it was the actual death which troubles me as it was not an easy one for my husband who was indeed a good man. It plays over in my mind and I have to force myself to let go of it.

Good wishes to you all.