Will I Be A Better Person After This ?

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by cris, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    This morning for the first time ever my Susan said she wished she could kill herself. Usually it is I don't want to be here, or I wish I was with my mum & dad. I have this most mornings and during the day. But this morning it was "kill myself". How can someone have this recall when they cannot even pour a glass of water, or control their hand to clean their teeth. Her sobbing is affecting me. When will this stage pass ? I am becoming very very bitter with this world, and I will question my sanity when it is over. Will I be a nicer person, will I be a better person. No. I fear not.
    cris
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Dear cris,

    Please seek medical help for both yourself and Susan. I don`t know what`s available, but there must be something to help you.

    Love xx
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi cris

    To be a nicer or better person, you have to be open to that possibility and the fact that you ask the question makes me think you ARE open to it - you just can't figure out how on earth it can be possible.

    I reckon that becoming a nicer person is something that happens through actions, and I don't think there can be training for the job.

    The fact that you are so concerned, so personally distressed, means you are already on the road. If you walked away, could not empathise, then I would be worried on that score.

    My Jan also - just once or twice - said she wished she were dead. That is a lot less times than I have thought it of myself.

    The stage does pass, but it is good advice to suggest that you seek help for the moment.

    We all question our sanity in this by the way. There are times when, if we were not totally nuts, we would simply walk away. I believe that to be a nice, or better person, there has to be an element of that helpful insanity. Make it positive insanity, not negative, if insanity there must be.

    I'm using the term insanity very loosely here, and not in any way that is intended to make light the term when used in its normal context. It is simply that you used the term 'sanity' that I used its variant. :)
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sorry to disagree, cris, but I think you will, and already are. I don't think anyone who has not suffered, and lived with a person who is suffering, can truly empathise. I think that in the future you will be so aware of other people, sufferings, and will feel deeply for them. It's not a comfortable feeling, and it's not one that you would choose.

    People in the caring professions have to be able to empathise, and then switch off, and that's a difficult balancing act. It's not one that I think I could do. But once that feeling is aroused, I don't think it ever goes away.

    You're having such a hard time just now, and I'm not surprised you're feeling bitter. I'd guess most of us have felt that way at times, we have been robbed of so much. I can't tell you how long this phase will last, but it must be so difficult to deal with. Hopefully an adjustment in medication will help.

    But in the meantime, you're not alone, and you're not losing your sanity. Keep posting, and we'll try to support you.

    Love,
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I was thinking of you this morning cris, and realised that the sentence I've quoted is not well expressed.

    I wasn't intending to denigrate those who are caring for a parent or relative, but not living with them. In my book, that is just as much 'living with dementia'.

    I do hope I didn't cause any offence, none was intended.

    Love,
     
  6. KenC

    KenC Registered User

    Mar 24, 2006
    913
    Co Durham
    Dear cris,

    We all live in this horrible world and to be honest, I can not work out what is worse, Living with the illness as a carer or going through life gradually loosing control through it.
    I feel desperately sorry for carers because they see the illness from start to finish and one way or another they see it at its worst, where we on the other side see ourselves heading towards a deep hole, and we know that there is no way of avoiding it.
    The thought of the final stages of this illness are in my mind, too terrifying to think about.
    I guess we all go through this sort of thing at some stage, but it does not help you.

    God bless you both and take care.

    Ken
     
  7. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    will I be a better person after this?

    Dear Cris,
    Sounds to me your needing more help,my wife Jane was diagnosed with this dreaded illness at the young age of 54 that was in the year 2000,but there is no way I could even think of putting her in care,as long as we were able to look after her at home,me and mostly my daughter asked for no help at all till January of this year,now we get support workers in 8 hours a day 7 days a week,seems to me you need a really good Social Worker that understands you and your wifes situation,and belive me the difference with getting help has helped my wife Jane and me getting outa each others company for a few hours a day has made all the difference in the world in coping,if you need any guidance on how to go about getting help please let me know and I will do my best to help..Tommy

    All my best wishes
     
  8. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Cris,

    I feel for you so much - I'm going to attempt a reply here, I just hope it's not too jumbled.

    I agree with Hazel - I think you already are a much better person than you give yourself credit for. You make more of a difference than you know - you're doing such a difficult job yet you still come on here and offer support and advice and comfort to other people.

    That within itself is huge.

    I read something yesterday that really struck me and it was talking about compassion and resilience.

    It said that some people under terrible trauma and stress either become over whelmed with their own pain to the point that their world shrinks and they can no longer see anyone else's pain. Or they become resilient, take control of thier situation and become more attuned to other people's pain and so go on to become compassionate people.

    I think you are undoubtedly in the latter of this options - you find this so hard because you feel your wife's pain so strongly but you still come on here and offer support to other's in pain.

    Although you don't know it you have helped my father immensely as when he has felt totally alone I have told him about you and it has strengthened him to know that other people are getting through this. The fact that you are courageous enough to come on here and share how you're feeling is helping others you just don't know it.

    Thinking of you and your family.
     
  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Dear Cris,

    Nicer? Better? I can't say; both of those words beg a question "... than what?"

    I hope we all end up stronger, as in: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and hopefully with more understanding and compassion. However, I fear that will only be appreciated with hindsight, it doesn't seem to help much right now does it. :cool:

    Best wishes, and I agree with GrannieG that you should beat a path to your doctor's (or consultant's) door and ask for more help.
    But you'll have to speak plainly about what led you there, so tell it like it is.
     
  10. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    36
    Essex
    Dear Cris

    I can only empathise with you. It is shocking when the person you love says they want to die. Have you contacted Donna Wilson or Barbara from the local ALzheimers society who I am sure could offer you some support you need to get through this horrible time. Sometimes off loading your feelings whether here or to another person allows you to get some perspective and see past todays devastation. Give it a try
    Denise:)
     
  11. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    god ?

    Thanks to everyone that replied. I don't know if I will be any different. Right now I couldn't care.

    I did see my GP 20 June this year, he said I am not depressed just tired and prescribed sleeping tablets. I don't think I am depressed just very sad and bitter. Shan't be bothering him again.

    I was going to start another thread but risked upsetting some people un-intentionally. So carrying on here............less will view.
    Why do people think that there is a god / God. There is not a god / God. No particular religion.
    He would have to be a particularly "sick" type. Doesn't he. Gives a person the ability to think, reason, calculate and then near the end of their life takes away this reasoning and ability to perform tasks, like put food in their mouth. If a man did the things that this god does he would be in front of a tribunal for crimes against humanity, but what do some people do they praise him. Yes there are many beautiful things around us, but there are more bad. Why does there have to the bad ?
    I'm having a sh** day and holding back the tears, trying to avoid Susan. Linda the respite help comes at 12 for 2 hours. Hurry up and then I can just go and let my feelings flow.
    I so glad we got married in a registry office and not one of those big fancy buildings. When I go I don't want a service, just cremate me and scatter me.
    C

    I hope I have not upset anyone, that is not my intention, just expressing my views.
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi cris

    thanks for posting.

    I'll just say that some people feel they need a god, and if it helps them, that's fine.

    It is also fine not to need a god.
    It is also fine to think that, if there is a god now, he/she/it must be getting a little old. Perhaps god has dementia too? I'm sure if there were such an entity, they would not seek to be cruel.
     
  13. Petrus

    Petrus Registered User

    Aug 7, 2007
    61
    Northumberland
    Take Care

    Cris,
    I hope people do not seek to answer your question as asked literally - I fear that many (most? all?) answers would not be helpful. I say this as a lay minister in both the Methodist and Anglican churches.

    Like me, you feel all sorts of emotions, many of a physical origin. Hopefully you have someone to whom you can express them - just let them flow. (Maybe this site is the best place for you to do it).

    That the expression this morning has taken the form it has - asking "what is life all about type questions" is surely just fine. If there is a God (and I believe there is but, of course, cannot prove it) I feel sure (s)he will have no problem with your being angry with her/him (even with cursing her/him). In fact if God cannot understand and accept your need to do this, it cannot be God.

    Take care and may all your human supporters be understanding and helpful as you (like many of us) pass through this hell.
     
  14. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    HTML:
    Why does there have to be the bad ?
    this could have been me writing this

    I too, have been questioning everything, chris, just like you
    I have come to the conclusion that there are no answers, there are no reasons,
    terrifiying,horrible things happen every day, it is our curse for being human.

    we just have to exist with the desperation and the pain.
    I am not a carer like you, (I was)but I am living through grief, just like you.

    its a horrible feeling to just not care anymore
    the loss is too difficult to process
    I feel like that some times but its because I cant stand the pain of caring for someone, then losing them

    But, I have my 2 wonderful children, and my husband, who I care for dearly

    I just grasp at any little good thing and try not to let the horror in my head,
    not possible in your situation, of course

    now i am trying to think of something supportive or helpful to say,
    but given your circumstances, I can think of nothing
    Jo
     
  15. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Jo, believe it or not the fact that you are from Melbourne Australia, you take the time to look, reply, just as the other lovely people that read and post. Melbourne we had a wonderful time there, Australia...... always had a great time and great memories.
    Thanks to everyone else who took the trouble to write. I did not really expect an "answer" to the question. Just possed it as a "why". Thanks Brucie, I agree if it helps people then fine. But if I stop and think of all the time spent, money spent, praying, preaching, worshipping IF all this was channelled into "doing" good, helping, achieveing then maybe we see more benefits throughout the world. Maybe wars would deminish, only maybe.
    Cris
     

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