My father has been living alone with Alzheimer's for a couple of years, continuing to drive and look after himself with increasing use of lists and other memory aids. In the last few months I've seen a deterioration in his ability to get to appointments and an increase in the frequency of confused spells. I'm keen to introduce regular care/companionship visits now, but he consistently refuses, saying that he wants to live alone, maintain independence & die alone. This is consistent with his character pre-dementia. My question is this - will he change his mind about accepting help? Appreciate other's insights into this. I've been hoping he'd come round to my way of thinking, but as the disease progresses its obvious that rational thought becomes more elusive.
Hi Hazel, welcome to the forum.
I'm afraid from my experience with my dad, the short answer is probably not, as the dementia worsens he will probably become even more stubborn and confused about accepting help. My dad was also living alone and driving and was very independent and preferred his own company. As his Dementia progressed and he became more forgetful and confused, my dad refused to go anywhere if it involved being with other people, he alienated himself from his one and only friend and his friend couldn't cope with dad anymore, he refused to accept help and he would try to hide if he saw someone coming to his front door, even if I was with him.
When Social Services became involved even the SW agreed dad wouldn't cope well with 'strangers' entering his home, as he hated visitors, he would also probably forget they would be coming and if not, he very likely would purposely just go out to avoid them. He would probably blame them for things going missing and become more stressed. We did manage to get him to agree to care line being installed (he forget he'd agreed almost instantly) they installed door sensors to try and stop his night time wanderings, but after a week he had ripped it out and it caused more problems than it solved.
I obviously stopped him driving and managed to get him to agree to selling his car (took a lot of effort), but regarding accepting help, he would only accept help from me, but usually under the disguise of me coming to take him out for lunch or shopping etc. Then when we returned I would do things for him, like his housework, washing, prepare meals etc but even then he would try telling me he could do it all himself, although he couldn't. It's only as his Dementia progressed I found that he accepted my help more, but then he stopped recognising me as his daughter, but just as someone who he recognised, took him out and took care of him.
It was when he no longer became safe still living alone, that I had to call in Social Services again and we jointly took the decision that dad needed to be in a care home. I'm afraid I had to find him a suitable care home and take him there myself without discussing it with him, as he never would have agreed to it, it was all very sad and I felt very guilty, but it had to be done for his own safety.
When he first went into care he didn't settle and kept trying to escape and he did actually manage to escape, which brought us to crisis point and the home said they couldn't cope with him, so I had to find a different care home more able to cope.
He has been there now since May and his Dementia is a lot worse, he needs the care that a 24/7 care home can give him and most of the time he accepts it, although he does have many bouts of aggression and can become very verbally abusive but this care home copes with that very well and it helps that there are not that many residents in his unit so he can find places where he can still be alone.
Your dad may be different as his Dementia progresses, however just be warned if he is stubborn now, sometimes that only gets worse, so you may more than likely have to go against his wishes for his own good.
Take care.
Elle x