Why ?


Registered User
Oct 6, 2007
Hi everyone.

As you all know, Dad passed away in August, and this is going to be our first Christmas without him.

Mum is so much better after taking the anti depresent tablets. They are a low dosage, but they have helped her so much. She is much happier and getting out and doing lots. She has had two Christmas parties this week. Has had my uncle and aunt over, and tomorrow she is getting on the bus to spend the day with her friend. Mum is just wonderful, still forgetting everything, and writing everything down, but she is so wonderful and I love her so much.

She is with my Sister Christmas Day, and with me and my husband and our three boys on Boxing Day, staying the night, and then I will take her back the following day at some point. She will then come over to us on the 29th and stay the night.

I just find it so hard. I miss Dad so much. I talk to my husband about it, and he is great, but he lost his mum last year and all memories come back for both of us (his mum was very special to me), sometimes I feel I can't talk because I don't want to upset anyone. (I am supposed to be the strong one and the person that copes with everything and is there for everyone - this is what all my friends and family say). I feel like I am being selfish because I hurt so much. Everyone says how strong I am, and how I can cope with anything - maybe I do on the surface, but I hurt.

I feel guilty that Mum will have about two days on her own over Christmas, but I need some time on my own with my husband and the boys.

I am sorry, I just needed to talk and explain how I feel.

Love Michele


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Michele, I hope that writng your post has helped you to see things more clearly.

You must not feel guilty. As you have said, (good to hear by the way) mum is more settled after getting the antidepressants worked out. She has one or two parties to look forward to.

You are still propping every one up and must allow yourself time to grieve, time to reflect, and very importantly.......time to be you. Not daughter, not wife, not mum, but yourself.

You are doing a wonderful job. Dad, I am sure, would be so proud of you.

Take care, love


Registered User
Oct 6, 2007
Thank you Connie,

You are so right, I know I need to make time for me, my problem is I care for everyone else and I come second. I'm afraid this is a part of me that is good, but not good for me. I have always been like this, not good always, I know , but hey, this is me.

I will try, I promise, to make time for me, even if that time is on ATP, at least I know it a time and place I can go to and be with friends.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Michele,

The problem with being strong is it`s equated with being hard or tough, and that`s wrong.

You can be strong, you can be the rock in the family, you can be there for everyone and prop them up, but you still feel, you still become upset and sometimes might wish you too had someone to lean on, as others lean on you.

It infuriates me when people say to me, `But I`m not like you, I`m a softie`. I have been refered to as the cold one in the family.

It`s taken me a very long time to realize I must take time for myself, because if I don`t no-one will think of giving it to me.
I believe there are a lot of us on TP. `Strong People`.

I`m delighted your mother is so much better. But she was the reason you were unable to grieve properly for your father. I`m not blaming her, this is how she was and you were there to prop her up.

But now she seems to be getting back on her feet. It is very early days since the death of your father. Allow yourself some time for him.

Love xx
Last edited:


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Please don't feel guilty. I'm the same the strong one, yeh right, if only they knew. I'v got the family over, over christams, the first one without Nanna for over 20 years. Boxing Day we'v been invited out and I'v said no, I want to spend it with just me and my son. Feel so guilty for not wanting to be with everyone else, but have still been asked if I'll play taxi.

Take Care