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why wont they accept that my gran wont get better

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Ann-marie, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. Ann-marie

    Ann-marie Registered User

    Dec 24, 2006
    26
    im having problems with my grans sister and nieces at the minute .......my gran has dementa and is confused and is unable to make decisions about her future at the minute shes in a nursing home but im hoping to get her home and care for her myself which ive been doing up untill a couple of weeks ago .......the problem is that her sister and nieces seem to think my grans going to get better but i now she isnt ...ive accepted that shes going to get worse ive tried to explain to them that she wont get better but all i get is of cause she'll get better ...im trying to explian that we need to descuss her future but im getting no where ....the thing is we have a meeting with social services in a couple of weeks to decide on my grans future and where she should live ....i really dont think im going to get through to them in time .......i just want whats best for my gran and i know from past convocations what her wishes are ............i just dont know how to get it across to them that she wont get better
     
  2. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Ann-marie

    Sorry I have no real words of wisdom for you, it could well be that this is the way they cope, to deny it to themselves than Gran isn't going to get any better. We all cope in different ways.

    If you feel it is important to get them fully aware of the true situation, maybe you could ask for the help of the NH staff in talking to the family, they have probably come to know Gran, and may be able to help, or could be the Social Worker would help you. It seems you may have come to a cross road and decisions are going to have to be made about your Grans future, its hard, and I wish you well and strength.

    Love
    Cate
     
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Ann-Marie

    I would agree with Cate in seeking help from the NH staff and Social Worker, but i somehow suspect that they already know the situation, but are finding it difficult to come to terms with it and unfortunately you can't force them into accepting it, you can only give them the facts and the rest is up to them.........as difficult as that may be.

    Love Alex x
     
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Ann-Marie, I think you've got enough on your plate without taking the responsibility for the other adults in your family besides your gran .... I sense you're trying your best for them too, trying to make them aware of possibilities prior to the meeting ... if they're faced with 'hard truths' at that time (which they still may chose to deny) it won't be for your lack of trying ...... AND at that point the social worker/team, if they are not already, should be aware of the support needed to ALL the family ... please don't try to shoulder everything emotionally as well as practically for everyone else.....

    Sorry, this is not meant to be a difficult question, nor one to be answered - unless you want to - but how much involvement have they had in her care previously?

    Just my experience but the people who continue to 'deny' mum is 'more than just a little forgetful' are those who've never really spent time with her to see for themselves.......

    Just a thought,

    Love, Karen, x
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    On thing I wanted to add to what has already been said. You may be concerned that if they continue to deny your gran's condition, that she (and you) won't get the help you need. Fortunately, no matter how much they refuse to see the situation as it actually is, the professionals involved will be well aware that this is a one-way street, with no chance of recovery. So, you may not change their minds, and because of that, you may not get help from them, but if they continue to deny the problems not only will they not change the outcome with regard to support services, they will also lose any credibility they may have with social services and the medical profession.

    Jennifer
     
  6. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    6,847
    Hi Anne-marie,

    I'm sorry that your family is in this difficult situatuion. It doesn't make it any easier to cope with when family members can't agree on a united plan of action.

    As others have already said, your best hope is that the medical and social services people involved can help your family to undestand the nature of your grandmother's condition and what her future needs are likely to be.

    There was one comment you made in your first posting to Talking Point that made me wonder about your aunt and neice's understanding of the situation and their realtionship with you. You said:

    ...everything was going so well till last thursday her sister and neice took her out for the day and my gran refused to come home and started making alligations so they called social services

    Once people become a bit more familiar with the symptoms of dementia, they learn that false accusations (for example, of stealing or not being fed properly) and paranoia can be part of the condition. I found it a bit strange that your relatives didn't wait and try to discuss the situation with you, but called in social services.

    Was this new behaviour from your gran or were your aunt and cousin not that familiar with your gran's current state of health or is there some family history there as well?

    Take care,

    Sandy
     
  7. Ann-marie

    Ann-marie Registered User

    Dec 24, 2006
    26
    [/QUOTE]
    Sorry, this is not meant to be a difficult question, nor one to be answered - unless you want to - but how much involvement have they had in her care previously?

    Just my experience but the people who continue to 'deny' mum is 'more than just a little forgetful' are those who've never really spent time with her to see for themselves.......

    Just a thought,

    Love, Karen, x[/QUOTE]


    they did nt and still dont have any involvment in her care ......they come and visit once a week for an hour and to be honest they treat her like a child when they are here
     
  8. Ann-marie

    Ann-marie Registered User

    Dec 24, 2006
    26

    no its not newbehaviour.....even in hospital they only visited twice a week for an hour or so....... to be honest they were not close. before she had the stroke in july they hadnt seen her for about 5 years......they dont even realise shes got dementa ...they still think shes recovering from the stroke ......i mentioned it to the social worker when i spoke to her and all she said was ....well some people dont understand ....my gran has made things up before and told them when they visit ....they just think shes trying to be funny and laugh.......i realise now that i shouldnt of let them take her out by themselves but i thought i was doing the right thing ....
     
  9. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Hello Ann Marie, if you are offering to look after your gran at home, then I would be surprised if any of the professionals back away from that outcome because helping people to live out their lives outside institutions is the main thrust of much social and health care policy these days.

    I cannot see why her sister and niece would want to influence them to another outcome because, to be blunt, your willingness to shoulder the responsibility for your gran takes a lot of pressure off them. My thoughts are that the professionals will suss out the diagnosis quickly enough, regardless of the lay views of the sister and niece.

    If you want to continue looking after your gran I would be surprised if they ( the professionals) battled for any other outcome because placing people with dementia in suitable care homes is often time consuming and difficult for them, not to mention potentially expensive. As long as they are sure that you can cope, I'd guess they will let you go ahead. However, you need to be very sure yourself that you can cope, and should use all possible means to get a very good care package that allows you some respite and frees you up at times during the week or day to pursue whatever else you need to do to live a life of your own, or even just shop for your gran. One tool is a 'Carers assessment' which you are entitled to if you are the main carer for your gran. Many people on this site have experience of supporting their loved ones at home and know about the various sorts of support,assessments etc and direct payments that are available to make it possible.

    Check out the excellent advice available on this site and I am sure TP contributors also will guide you through it too.
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Dec 29, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2006
    I was reading your other thread

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/TalkingPoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=5013

    I hope you don't mind me asking , but I was wondering who has EPOA over your granmother finances ? was you liveing alone with your granmother when SS put her in a care home ?


    You just can’t really , no body can really every one different in how they deal with emotional pain,
    It feels better to believe they get better then admit to the reality of the emotional pain
    and denial is a form of perfection to the reality of the emotional pain they are going to feel, why believe its going to happen when it has not happen yet ? you know deep down its going to happen , so you just bottle up hide those emotion & carry on , wait to the time till it happen . you can’t change anyone way of thinking if they are not ready to face up to it yet .
     
  11. Ann-marie

    Ann-marie Registered User

    Dec 24, 2006
    26


    me and my dad(my grans son in law) were living with her ......ive been living with her since i was 11 years old (been with her for 27 years now) and my dad has been here a while as well .......she hasnt actually got an epoa .........as shes got older ive been running things and well to be honest ive been running things since i can remember
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    If you can see it now then , that your getting a respite from your grandmother even thought you do not like the care that your grandmother getting at the moment, so when you have a meeting with SS , you can prove to them that you can give the best quality care for your grandmother , see this time for you to clear your mind and have a good rest .

    I think the same as Deborah Blythe said .
    So try not to worry about other members of the family & they denial, take care of yourself as in having this rest time , doing so will give you the positive energy to face those SS and future care for your grandmother.
     

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