Why won't she listen to me???

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lisajk, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. Lisajk

    Lisajk Registered User

    Aug 31, 2014
    Took MIL for her Urology appointment at the hospital today... We get to the bus stop 'where's my dog?' she asks. I reply that she's at home in the kitchen in her bed as she can't come to the hospital with us.
    'Do you think she's gone in the park?' No, I reply, she's at home.
    That went on for 4 hours. She asked the bus driver, the hospital receptionist, the Consultant, and everyone else she spoke to if they'd seen her bloody dog!!!
    We get home - dog is in the kitchen where we left her, so she's going on and on and on about how the dog got out, who found her, when did they bring her back etc etc. I can't deal with it any more so I've put her to bed early. I'm at the end of my rope today. I told her she's driving me mental because she won't listen to me. I can't agree with her and say yes she got out etc but she's safe now, because this will make her worse - she'll remember that and be worried for weeks about the dog getting out. I've tried changing the subject, believe me, she changes it back! I hope that she doesn't go on about it tomorrow. I'll have to spend most of the day in another room I think. Sorry for the rant. No one else I can rant to. Hope everyone else is having a good evening. X

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  2. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    Sorry to hear this. I'm sure there's many on here with similar experiences. It feels like I'm having to convince Dad that black is white much of the time, and unfortunately it hasn't got any easier yet. i wish I could advise but I'm also on learning curve. But all I can say is your not alone with this sort of problem
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    In fact walking away is often the only answer after you have tried distraction and diversion. It is mind numbing but there is no easy solution. If it is a regular thing you might ask the GP about medication to reduce anxiety. That does help in some cases.
  4. Lisajk

    Lisajk Registered User

    Aug 31, 2014
    Thank you, I hadn't thought about anxiety meds! I wonder if this will help? Oh my, I'm going to ring the doctors first thing.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  5. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    I had *exactly* the same situation yesterday but about keys. Swap dog for keys in all the conversations you had, and I had them too. If I'd had a gun, I'd have shot myself just to make it stop.
  6. Ballykeith

    Ballykeith Registered User

    Aug 26, 2013
    #6 Ballykeith, Apr 1, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2015
    Maybe pretend you're blind? Irreverence aside, people have various assistance dogs don't they? People with hearing loss, physical disability, even autism. The dog is clearly very important to MIL so, IMHO, a dementia-friendly society should permit people with pets to bring them to places where animals are ordinarily not accepted. Maybe we could have a card to show officialdom. We've no animals but still managed to have a very stressy day with my mum. Took her out to lunch, then on a bus trip, coffee in a cosy pub - at which point she said that's she's too old for 'all this trokking about'. We got home and she said, 'What do we do now?' (I had ironing to do). I did a face/palm, she picked up that I was unhappy and told me to go home. She changed her mind once I made to leave and we had a bit of a row. Had to defuse the situation with a walk in the park after a bit of the ironing. Since I started writing this, she's asked me if I have a girlfriend four times and if I have a picture of her - but at least she's calmed down now :)
  7. jen54

    jen54 Registered User

    May 20, 2014
    my mum seems to get in a loop about something and keeps seeking reassurance, then she wont mention it again for days.and something else gets her worrying, I find all I can do is reassure her and keep doing so, hoping the loop will end and she will fixate on something else-today it has been unclaimed inheritance from donkeys years ago-I have been through it a dozen times -yesterday, rubbish and someone in loft!! yet that had been forgotten today
  8. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    Daycare causes my mum's "goldfish" moments these days. She goes twice a week and half an hour after she gets back she gets worried that she's told them she's not going back there and regrets it. No amount of reassurance or distraction works and I get hours of "when do I go?", "will it be OK to go back after I said I wouldn't?", "will you come with me in case they say I can't come in?", "how do I get there?", "will you tell them I've not been there because I've been ill" (she hasn't by the way) and at some point we'll start the loop again. No amount of distraction works because less than a minute after I've tried changing the subject, she's back on it again. Grrr:mad:
  9. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    #9 Witzend, Apr 2, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2015
    I know exactly what you mean about no distraction working - it used to drive me mad when people suggested it, as if I were too thick to think of anything so simple. As if 'How about a nice cup of tea?' would stop it, when no matter what I said or did or tried, we would be back to the same thing within a minute, like a wasp to a jam jar.

    What I eventually used to do with FIL (same question over and over and over, I once counted 35 times in one hour) was to make a sort of separate compartment in my head, where I could go on answering nicely but mechanically, with the rest of my head elsewhere, if you see what I mean. I could never show the slightest irritation since he was apt to explode into violent rages over tiny things.

    For me it was a sort of safety device, since I had begun to feel I could scream, or murder him - very likely both at once.
    This sort of thing is so terribly hard to cope with.

    BTW to the OP - it's probably not that she won't listen - more that she can't remember that she only just asked you, or what you replied, and that she asked umpteen times before that. She has some worrying bee buzzing in her head that won't go away. I do know how terribly trying it is, though.
  10. chelsea girl

    chelsea girl Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    Everything you said is true of my mum too. She worries constantly abt the dog, talks to him as if he can answer her and it goes on and on and on until i feel like screaming!! "What u looking for buster?" a hundred times a day!!. Sorry not much help but we r all in the same boat, which is quite comforting ☺. Chin up everyone x
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Sorry Witzend but you did make me laugh re: the screaming murder. :)
  12. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    No apology needed! Black humour can be a safety valve too. One weekend when FIL was driving both me and OH bonkers, OH took a carving knife from the kitchen drawer and went up behind FIL - who was still wittering on about the same thing - with the knife raised dagger-style and his best psycho-nutter face. I honestly nearly wet myself laughing - but it was a very badly needed laugh at the time. Poor old FIL couldn't help it, but oh, dear, it was a very tough time.
  13. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    It does not help deal with it but I think that when you give the answer it cannot be retained. With my husband he can ask me 20 or 30 times in five minutes "where are we going?" but he genuinely cannot retain the information or remember having just asked. It is like trying to fetch water in a leaky bucket- the information just falls through.
    I try to just keep repeating the answer calmly but it is difficult, especially when he gets stuck in the loop. I also agree that distraction often does not work.
  14. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Five repetitions are my limit!
  15. Familyfairy

    Familyfairy Registered User

    Apr 2, 2015
    Refusal to attend memory support clinic - advice anyone?

    Both of my parents, who are in their eighties, have dementia (albeit of differing types). We've had good support from their GP and we pay for daily care support to enable them to stay together in their own home, where they feel safe. However my father is, and always has been, a very proud and difficult man - I can not get him to agree to see anyone from the memory clinic and he has been rude and belligerent to anyone who has called, telling them to leave. He feels that the memory tests show him as being 'stupid', when for the majority of his life he has been in charge and an organiser. How on earth can I access further support and advice for them both in their vulnerable condition, when they are refusing to accept help? They just see it as intrusive.
  16. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Would he be interested in showing the Drs. just how good his memory really is?


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