Why is there such a stigma about putting loved ones in a CH?

[saskia]

Hi everyone

I have to ask the above.
Mums been in the home for 5 months now..settled of sorts,, but after the hell that came before her sectioning, for her & us, we know the home is the right choice ..I feel guilt when I have a great visit, releived when I don't.
.
But reading some posts on here, I've read ''cannot stick my mum in a home'' or talking to people ' I couldn't do that to my mum'

I know there are some awful places out there, but why should i feel 'lucky' that I chose a nice place for my mum & be made to feel as though I've committed my mum to an ayslum!!
Is the home my mums in perfect..no.
I've lost the number of times I've found someone else's clothes or mums towels aren't as white as they first were or her room could do with a dust!

My mum has put on nearly a stone, has a weekly bath, gets her hair done once a month, has company..even though she says ' they are all mad in here' & on the good days...think she works there! The staff give my mum hugs n kisses, send me little emails with pics of what she's up to.

I know I couldn't care for my mum ...hats off to those who do, they do a brilliant unthanked for role....but I'm fed up for feeling like I've done something wrong!

Sorry for this little rant...just had a comment today that has sent me over the edge and this forum is the only place I know most understand.

Sas x

My mum s sa

 

[Izzy]

Don't apologise for the rant! This is the very place to get this kind of thing off your chest.

I know that there are many members of TP who have or have had their loved ones in care homes. Every situation is different and what's right for one person may not be right for another. I know that friends of mine have their husbands in care homes and it is absolutely the right decision for them and their husbands.

Stop feeling you've done something wrong - you certainly haven't!

 

[LadyA]

Indeed you haven't, Saskia. My husband was another who thrived in his Nursing Home. He too gained weight and was much better than he had been at home. He hated me helping him with personal care, and was aggressive and violent in his refusal. In the Nursing Home, he recognised that the uniformed male carers were there to help him, and he never gave them any bother. He took his medication like a lamb from the uniformed nurse, where at home I had to hide it in treats, and hope he got it!

The Nursing Home was the best decision I could have made for him. He felt safe and secure, there was always someone on hand to help him, no matter what time of the day or night, he had company, activities laid on, physiotherapy two or three times a week, and the wide, flat corridors were ideally suited to his walking - no door straddles to stumble over, and lots of space.

 

[jaymor]

I have to agree with Izzy, you have done nothing wrong, infact you have done everything right. Your Mum is thriving, she has company all day, her meals are cooked for her, she has help available should she need it. She is warm and clean.

My husband went into his nursing home 7 years after diagnosis and was there for 4 years before he passed away. The nursing home gave me back my husband,

i have a friend whose husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in his mid forties and is now 65. He does crosswords, paints and makes models. He walks well, has no problem holding a conversation. He does get a little grumpy at times and will act a little childishly if he does not get his own way. He is far from needing a care home.

Everyone is different and no one can know how fast or slow dementia will advance or what difficulties will come.

Saying someone will never go into a home is a rash statement. Many won’t but many will need to. That’s when we have to make sure that the best possible home and care is found for our loved ones. When this is sorted then it’s a job well done. Caring does not stop when someone enters the care system. We have to be the eyes and ears of our loved ones and be ready to fight their corner should we need to.

Your Mum will have good and bad days, we all do, it’s not care home life but life in general.

So well done for finding the right home, forget the dust and enjoy the good visits.

 

[Slugsta]

Saskia, I am sorry you have been upset by a thoughtless comment - I expect it was made by someone who has absolutely no insight into the situation!

You are doing your best for your mum. That best entails other people giving the hands on care but it certainly doesn't mean that you have deserted her. I know these things can get under our guard sometimes but please try to put this kind of comment out of your mind. And give that Guilt Monster a sharp poke with a stick!

 

[Kawasaki]

Saskia, sorry you have been hurt. As others say, you have done nothing wrong & everything right. TAll any of us can do is what's right for our loved ones in the circumstances at the time, and also bearing in mind that a lot of us are lucky to have a number of loved ones...and we need to consider the impact on all of them & ourselves. Some people may have time, facilities & strength to care for their relative at home...many don't so theytake time & effort to find the right place for their relative.

There should never be any stigma attached to any solution and it is wrong to castigate homes - there are many, many truly devoted staff in them who do a wonderful job all the time, under pressure & in difficult circumstances, yet they remain cheerful &dedicated.

 

[Shedrech]

hi saskia
it's that phrase that's far too often used that bothers me
my parents moved a good few times as my dad's job took him to different locations, and I myself have moved home several times
I took as much care choosing dad's latest home as I did when buying my house
so in my mind I consider that I organised the move for dad into his new home, which just happens to be a care home
I moved him into a care home - that's what I say to anyone who makes any comment
and you have done the same for your mum
I did not put him or stick him anywhere
to me, only those who haven't given the situation sufficient thought, and who have the luxury of not having to think about it carefully, make such remarks - in a way I pity them; sadly, I also somewhat envy their naivety
either way, I know that I am doing all I can for my dad; as you are for your mum
best wishes

 

[father ted]

I guess that there is so much in the media about care homes that fail, that are filthy, employ bullies and don't seem to conform to any health and safety requirements but we never ever hear about the good homes and there are plenty of those too and it certainly sounds as if you have found one.

You are right there is a self righteous element 'who would never put their loved one in a home' and for some this is out of love but it would be unrealistic to think that this was the sole reason. For some financial issues are a concern, pressure from family members etc and they continue on till they are broken and their relationship with the person they are caring for is so tense and loveless that the person would indeed be better off in a home. When you are the primary carer for someone the consequences of that ripple through your own family and it is unfair to expect working spouses, young children, older children to make compromises because they all have needs of their own. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said.

 

[canary]

Mum tried to make me promise that I would " never put her in one of those places", but I promised that I would always do what was the very best for her.

When the time came that she was no longer safe for her stay in her bungalow I moved her into a Care home (I dont like the phrase "put her in there" either) following a spell in hospital and it was the very best for her - she thrived, put on weight and enjoyed the company and activities; when she passed away some of the carers came to her funeral. I truly felt i had kept my promise to her, but some people make that promise without truly understanding what it means.

 

[Kevinl]

I think there was a stigma attached to it, the old days when they ended up in the workhouse or even back to the 1980's when my wife was a nurse in what was then called a "geriatric hospital". It was a joyless place, 15 beds down each side of the room, big table in the middle, get up, dressed and sat in a chair with the horse racing on the TV, anyone get out of line and they got the chemical cosh, sluice at the far end, sister's office at the top end and visiting hours, only 2 per bed, how good was that.My wife quit nursing after she worked there and they then shut the place.
/Fast forward 35 years and my wife is in a lovely home: 31 rooms all en-suite, 4 wet shower rooms 2 with baths and hoists, 3 more toilets with wheelchair access,TV in all the rooms, the way she is looked after now is a world away from what it used to be like.
Sometimes there are so many staff that they're looking for things to do or fill their time doing fingernails and hair.
My wife was sectioned and I didn't have a lot to say in the matter at the time, she was quite aggressive and by quite I mean very aggressive.
No one's every disapproved of me for doing it least of all our 3 children, anyone who knew the situation knows why it happened.
That said it doesn't stop me feeling I've let her down and she might have made more of an effort to keep me at home than I did for her.
K

 

[Moggymad]

My mum was moved from her home into care for her own safety & needs which I knew I would not be able to provide in my own home due to having to work & having unsuitable open plan rooms downstairs plus steps. For my mum respite care had to be arranged urgently followed by placement in a dementia care home once a suitable one was found. It was the only choice at the time & despite some doubts & ongoing issues with some aspects of her care, I know it was the right decision for my mum & I am relieved she is now safe & being looked after. I do not have any guilt with these decisions nor do I feel the need to explain myself to anyone, well intentioned or otherwise, who asks questions, other than to say quite truthfully it was for mums own safety. In the 4 months she has been in care mum has deteriorated physically as well as mentally which has further justified the decisions made. You have not 'stuck' your mum in a care home, neither have l. We have only done what we truly felt was the right thing at the time out of love & concern. Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty X

 

[Sam Luvit]

My mum is a retired dementia nurse, she's worked in all the local care homes & EMI homes, she didn't want to go to any, but we've talked & I told her I'll care as long as I can, but I will not promise her that she won't ever need a care home, I pointed out that if she needs more care than I can give, she probably won't know. She understood that & was ok with that (she's since forgotten she has Alzheimer's & her nursing years).

People make throw away comments about care, without understanding what it means. You have not done anything wrong, you have made sure she has the care she needs, in the best way you can. I hope when that day comes, I can find somewhere that mum will feel safe & cared for.

 

[Pickles53]

Totally agree with you Saskia. Thoughtless, self-righteous comments from people who clearly have no understanding of the devastating effects of trying to care for a family member and the impact it has on family members. My mum wasn't happy in her care home, but she was safe and well-cared for and had been just as miserable at home. People say they want to keep their 'independence' which is absolutely not what they have when they need someone with them all the time to keep them safe.

I have told my daughter firmly that she is not to sacrifice her own life or that of my grandchildren to look after me if the need arises; it's not fair to extract promises which may be impossible to keep.

 

[Scouts girl]

I too totally agree, no one can begin to understand the effect it has on a family caring for a loved one with dementia. People have no right to comment on the way we look after them and for the sake of my health and my family life I had no choice but to move my dear mum into care. Do I feel guilty, of course I do and that will never go, but I know she was not safe living on her own and she is now safe and being so well cared for at her end of life. I am retired, nearly 70, I have my husband to think about and my future life with him. I know my mum would have wanted me to be happy and enjoy my life and not put my life on hold in caring for her 24 hours a day. I would give anything to have her home and the mum she was just 18 months ago but that is not possible. I visit her every day in her care home and although I just sit and hold her hand and talk to her in the hope she understands what I am saying, there is no pressure, I can relax and leave her knowing that she will be safe and looked after. We don't love them any less for making the choice to move them, I think it is the opposite and I am sure in some way, when I get the faintest of smiles my mum knows this. We all do an amazing job whether it is caring hands on at home or emotional caring, but people should not judge whatever path we choose to go down for our caring role.

 

[Lilac Blossom]

Saskia, I hope you are reassured by the replies to your post. I understand your feelings - my husband has been in a care home since May and I have received many of those comments. I have been caring for him for 18+ years - he has a number of significant health issues - but as Vascular Dementia progressed it became obvious that as GP, district nurses etc. had been advising, it was no longer possible for his needs to be met at home.

We have no family here but I have noticed that many of those comments have come from people who have their family circle living locally (small town) so they have no idea of the isolation we who are lone carers experience.

When someone says "I would never put my husband/wife/parent in a home" I say "I did not put my husband in a care home, dementia did"!

I visit OH 4 or 5 time a week and know what you mean about feeling guilty after visits. I remember someone once saying replace the word "guilt" with "sad". I think I shall always feel sad that it has come to this as I had always hoped to be able to manage

You have no reason to feel guilty. xx

 

[john1939]

Saskia, I hope you are reassured by the replies to your post. I understand your feelings - my husband has been in a care home since May and I have received many of those comments. I have been caring for him for 18+ years - he has a number of significant health issues - but as Vascular Dementia progressed it became obvious that as GP, district nurses etc. had been advising, it was no longer possible for his needs to be met at home.

We have no family here but I have noticed that many of those comments have come from people who have their family circle living locally (small town) so they have no idea of the isolation we who are lone carers experience.

When someone says "I would never put my husband/wife/parent in a home" I say "I did not put my husband in a care home, dementia did"!

I visit OH 4 or 5 time a week and know what you mean about feeling guilty after visits. I remember someone once saying replace the word "guilt" with "sad". I think I shall always feel sad that it has come to this as I had always hoped to be able to manage

You have no reason to feel guilty. xx

The people who stigmatise others for putting a relative into a care home should volunteer to take the affected one into their own homes for say 6 months? BTW, you have a right to have a life of your own, no matter what.

 

[doodle1]

I feel for you. People even other carers can be so judgemental. A month ago I moved my mum into a small specialist dementia home. She is happy and more alert.
I did this after SIX years of managing 24/7 live in care for mum and dad and only did so because the last live in carer could not account for a massive bruise from wrist to elbow on both sides plus swelling. It was the last straw. We had had nine different carers in the last year from the agency I had been with since the beginning ,of whom I had to fire three . It was also costing a fortune and it is cheaper for mum to be in a home at £1500 a week so I can manage her savings for a longer period.
It is all very well for people to coo " oh it's so lovely they have their independence" completely forgetting that that independence comes at the expense of someone else's the carer!!
I too feel hurt sometimes by people' s comments but my family know the real impact of dementia so I try to smile sweetly and change the subject when other people raise it.
Oh and an occasional snap of" would you like to take over the responsibility then? Seems to work too