The time has come to think about getting my mums headstone returned with the addition of dads inscription ideally I would have liked it returning in January a year since dad passed however when I approached my sister at the end of April this year her reply was plenty of time and she didn't want to discuss it. We had no idea how long it would take and now I'm told that they have so much work on more than usual that they cannot return the headstone until around May 2022, I am really disappointed. I emailed my sister to see if she was happy to contribute to the work needed and she's agreed I assumed we would split the cost equally but as she feels the cost of collecting and returning the stone to the grave ( not the actual work doing ) is unacceptable to her she is making a fuss and has 'deducted' what she thinks is a reasonable amount. I was told off because as per usual whatever I do is never good enough and she said I should have 'shopped around' before arranging the removal of the headstone clearly forgetting I was really unwell at the time of dads funeral. In all honesty I did just call the Memorial Company that did the headstone because dad had been happy with the stone he had picked for mum and we all agreed at the time that they had provided a good service it seemed natural to go back to them. I have said she can call around get some quotes and if she wants have the stone collected and I will pay half of what they quote her. Obviously she hasn't done that just said would now not be practical and confirmed she is not willing to contribute the same amount as me which she would be able to. I can't be bothered to email her back but have decided to just go ahead and I will pay the bit she doesn't want to. Unfortunately I am now stressed and angry not so much over the money as its for my mum and dad but her attitude, this is what contact with her does. I really can't afford to get stressed over this as have now been told I have an issue with the main aorta /vessel to my heart and I will need to go to the Cardiology department at the hospital for it to be assessed. My echocardiogram results done because of covid were delayed and GP chased them up this week. I thought because of my other test results being good and being discharged I was now ok. I am told by my GP the issue is not related to Covid and generally the echocardiogram results were good. Problem has been randomly picked up and likely would not have come to light at least not yet but its definitely something that needs assessment. GP says it may have been there for quite a long time but high blood pressure and stress are contributing factors to my risk of it becoming worse. I can't say I'm not worried because I am. Partner also has to go back as hospital has requested another CT Scan for investigation of potential cancer. I just wanted to have a moan here I'm struggling and I can't believe I have such a horrible sibling thank god its just this last thing to sort then she is out of my life forever..
Why is my sister so blooming difficult?
- Thread starter Wildflowerlady
- Start date
Oh for goodness sake, your sister does my head in - I can imagine what she does to you.
You are never going to please her, so just go for what you want and just take the extra cost hit.
Once this is done, can you cut contact with her entirely?
You are never going to please her, so just go for what you want and just take the extra cost hit.
Once this is done, can you cut contact with her entirely?
YES contact almost done @canary, sister says she wants to send her part of the bill separately when the work is done lets hope she does but if not I'll have to suck the whole bill up myself. I have told her the cemetery fee to put the headstone back is a little more than quoted but she's ignored that too. Sisters failure to send her bit would reflect more on her character than mine if she wants to be mean so be it.. My sister can genuinely afford to pay she just wants to be difficult and upset me. I have actually emailed the company again as I wondered if they can add an additional line so that the inscription will be more in line with mums and I'm happy to pay for it myself. I don't think will be much more if it can be done and look nice space wise. Mum had 'Forever in our hearts' and other bits Wife, Mum Grandmother, Great Grandmother so I'm thinking dad could have 'Always remembered' above his details but there wasn't much room left after mums inscription went on. Allowing for dads name and dates to be added it might not be possible. We are having 'Together Again' as mum and dad were never apart for most of their married life. ( Dad was in navy for a while ) it may go on the plinth if they can accommodate the other line? .
Oh @Wildflowerlady I have some idea of how you feel because when my youngest brother rang the other week I could feel my blood pressure go up a bit. I would have as little to do with your sister as possible. I think you've bent over backwards for her and she's very lucky to have you. I know it's difficult but try to relax. You have done your parents proud.
MaNaAk
MaNaAk
sounds lovely @Wildflowerlady. dont worry about your sister and at least there is an end to hostilities in sight. you are much more tolerant than i have ever been. you know you did your dad proud and should be proud of yourself to think of the headstone, contact sister[not sure you need to repeat that now] being very ill and ongoing health issues with you sand partner makes you an inspiration. shame your sister couldnt have a few more of your qualities, she would be a better person
@Wildflowerlady I would be inclined to just pay the extra and be rid of her for good. She is not good for you and she doesn't care. You should decide on any inscription and I wouldn't consult her on it, she will only quibble.
Dad didn't have a headstone, the vicar just added his ashes to the same spot as my mums in the garden of remembrance of his local church. I know where he is and that's what matters.
I have no contact with my brother now which I am quite sure suits him and it suits me too. I wouldn't bother with your sister anymore, it may just be the way she is.
Strange how two siblings can be entirely different but it often happens and shows that it is nothing to do with upbringing. I wonder if your sister was the favoured child, my brother was certainly the golden boy, perhaps that is why he feels so special and so more important than I ever was. He is wrong of course.
You on the other hand are an obviously kind and caring person but you need to take care of yourself and your partner now.
Dad didn't have a headstone, the vicar just added his ashes to the same spot as my mums in the garden of remembrance of his local church. I know where he is and that's what matters.
I have no contact with my brother now which I am quite sure suits him and it suits me too. I wouldn't bother with your sister anymore, it may just be the way she is.
Strange how two siblings can be entirely different but it often happens and shows that it is nothing to do with upbringing. I wonder if your sister was the favoured child, my brother was certainly the golden boy, perhaps that is why he feels so special and so more important than I ever was. He is wrong of course.
You on the other hand are an obviously kind and caring person but you need to take care of yourself and your partner now.
I understand exactly where you are coming from and it’s a pretty awful place to be in. My children’s dad passed away almost two years ago and they have had huge problems with their half sister. She lives a three hour flight way but had to be pushed to make the effort to come and see he father when it was obvious he was dying. When she got here, she saw him twice and did everything she could to create difficulties for my kids. No help, no kindness, no interest.
When he died, she wanted my children to postpone his funeral for a few weeks so that she could come when it suited her but my children just set a date and told her when it was going to happen, letting her decide if she was going to make the trip. She did come to the funeral but left immediately after, not stopping for the wake or to to talk to all her cousins. Then she was pigheaded unnecessarily about the will and they still have not spread his ashes because of her behaviour and COVID. Anyway they have plans in place and will let her know the date.
They have no idea of why her attitude is so atrocious but have no interest or intention of maintaining the relationship. I think, like you, it is not knowing why she is like she is that they have reached the end of their tether and it sounds like you have more on your plate with your own health issues than you need. I think I would be inclined to pay what out for what is going to make you happy and then have as little to do with her than is necessary.
Your health is too important to let your sister stress you out more than she has. I hope things improve for you soon.
When he died, she wanted my children to postpone his funeral for a few weeks so that she could come when it suited her but my children just set a date and told her when it was going to happen, letting her decide if she was going to make the trip. She did come to the funeral but left immediately after, not stopping for the wake or to to talk to all her cousins. Then she was pigheaded unnecessarily about the will and they still have not spread his ashes because of her behaviour and COVID. Anyway they have plans in place and will let her know the date.
They have no idea of why her attitude is so atrocious but have no interest or intention of maintaining the relationship. I think, like you, it is not knowing why she is like she is that they have reached the end of their tether and it sounds like you have more on your plate with your own health issues than you need. I think I would be inclined to pay what out for what is going to make you happy and then have as little to do with her than is necessary.
Your health is too important to let your sister stress you out more than she has. I hope things improve for you soon.
I agree with @Duggies-girl whilst I think it is unfair for you to pay for everything your health is more important.
MaNaAk
@Wildflowerlady and @Duggies-girl you are both the ‘special’ child in your respective families because you truly cared for your father when they needed you most. The other sibling was (choose from….) unsupportive, mean, lazy, greedy etc.
I hope you're okay @Wildflowerlady you gave me some good advice some weeks ago when my invisible asked suggested going halves on a flat!!!!!! Both your dads (@Duggies-girl) would have been proud of you and @Melles Belles I love that picture.
MaNaAk
MaNaAk
@Wildflowerlady have you heard of this?
www.additudemag.com
It seems to describe your charming sister well.
This disorder is often seen in children, though - IMHO - it's not really a 'thing/syndrome' at all and has more to do with a lack of skilful parenting, i.e. it is simply a learned behaviour. But it can become quite entrenched. Whereas it's fixable (mostly, unless there are other issues going on) in children, when it continues into adulthood it's really hard to change. It often shows as passive aggressive behaviour too. My brother was particularly good at that...
What Does Oppositional Defiant Disorder Look Like in Adults?
An adult with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) may feel mad at the world, and lose his temper regularly — even daily. This may manifest as road rage or verbal abuse. It may cause tension with authority figures, and trouble at work. It may tear apart relationships. Here is what you need to...
www.additudemag.com
It seems to describe your charming sister well.
This disorder is often seen in children, though - IMHO - it's not really a 'thing/syndrome' at all and has more to do with a lack of skilful parenting, i.e. it is simply a learned behaviour. But it can become quite entrenched. Whereas it's fixable (mostly, unless there are other issues going on) in children, when it continues into adulthood it's really hard to change. It often shows as passive aggressive behaviour too. My brother was particularly good at that...
Yes we had to arrange my dads funeral around my brothers work, he said that 'As he had got through all of dad's illness without having to lose a days work, then he didn't see why he should take a day off for the funeral' because of this dads sister was unable to come as it was her husbands 80th birthday and they were going away to another part of the country but that didn't worry him.
I saw my brother at my cousins husbands funeral a couple of months ago. He turned up, showed his face, then went because 'he needed to walk the dog' He could have come to the wake to catch up with his cousins, who are spread all around the country but no. He probably won't see anyone until the next funeral. I know he doesn't want to see me but I feel like he snubbed the rest of dads family too. His wife was on a day out.
I had rather a nice time with all my cousins and my lovely 93 year old auntie who could tell me a few things about my dad.
im not sure you can put @Wildflowerlady sisters behaviour to unskilled parenting. they had the same upbringing with the same parents and they are opposite to each other even when dealing with gravestones of the same parents.
in my case, my sister was the golden child but is nasty, insensitive and not caring at all. i. on the other hand am the caring, thoughtful, supportive one and was a product of diabolical parenting so the theory is opposite to what happened to us. its the nature v nurture debate. what have always said is i wont care for my dad if he needs it but then i dont want any inheritance either. so unlike some invisibles, i wont come back for the money after not caring. i wont go to his funeral either. he has the golden child and her 5 daughters so i walked away.
in my case, my sister was the golden child but is nasty, insensitive and not caring at all. i. on the other hand am the caring, thoughtful, supportive one and was a product of diabolical parenting so the theory is opposite to what happened to us. its the nature v nurture debate. what have always said is i wont care for my dad if he needs it but then i dont want any inheritance either. so unlike some invisibles, i wont come back for the money after not caring. i wont go to his funeral either. he has the golden child and her 5 daughters so i walked away.
Siblings in the same family are not necessarily treated the same! There are many reasons why one child may be treated differently - one might be the inherent nature of the child. (I had a sunny child and a stormy one!) Male and female children are often treated completely differently without the parents even realising.
But babies are not born saying no and being deliberately difficult - that's something they learn.
However, I should not have said unskilled parenting because that suggests there were no rules in place whatsoever, which is highly unlikely (and probably offensive - sorry.) And it's also not what I meant. Maybe I should have said, 'failure to stop this type of behaviour before it became an ingrained habit.'
Certain bad behaviours, for example screaming temper tantrums from toddlers who don't get their way, need to be 'nipped in the bud', or the child learns that if they keep doing it they will win.
Anyway, that's with troubles in childhood where a parent can make a difference. Once a person with ODD behaviour becomes an adult, there's no one to intervene and/or stop them. It's also possible she wasn't like that as a child and only developed the behaviour as an adult.
But babies are not born saying no and being deliberately difficult - that's something they learn.
However, I should not have said unskilled parenting because that suggests there were no rules in place whatsoever, which is highly unlikely (and probably offensive - sorry.) And it's also not what I meant. Maybe I should have said, 'failure to stop this type of behaviour before it became an ingrained habit.'
Certain bad behaviours, for example screaming temper tantrums from toddlers who don't get their way, need to be 'nipped in the bud', or the child learns that if they keep doing it they will win.
Anyway, that's with troubles in childhood where a parent can make a difference. Once a person with ODD behaviour becomes an adult, there's no one to intervene and/or stop them. It's also possible she wasn't like that as a child and only developed the behaviour as an adult.
i think you were being insensitive and straying off the subject of the thread. you have hit on to raw a nerve so wont comment further other than should adapt parenting skills to the child.
I wonder what our 'difficult' siblings think about us? I had issues with my brother when my sister and parents were ill. I was quite shocked when I discovered he also had issues with me! One thing I learned (eventually) was that we can only do what we think is right. We can't compel others to agree
My brother was the perfect child, good natured and obedient. I remember my mum telling other people 'what a good boy he was' and I suspect now that this may have made him feel superior to me. I would have called him a 'goody two shoes'
I on the other hand wasn't such a goody, I wasn't bad either but I did get caught skipping school a couple of time and I smoked cigarettes when I was told I shouldn't. I suppose I was a bit of a rebel but I grew out of these things and turned out okay. Perhaps that is why he has always thought he is better than me.
I remember my mum constantly saying "I love you all the same" when the elder of my two brothers got in with the wrong crowd. Also dad had to go back to Malaysia work and missed us all like mad but his problems were compelled by my brother's behaviour. My youngest later admitted struggling to share a room with him. @Wildflowerlady should have the inscription that she wants on her dad's tombstone and have as little to do with her sister as possible. Good luck @Wildflowerlady.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
MaNaAk
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
MaNaAk
My grandson was a good kid until puberty and then certain traits started making their presence known. He is now extremely difficult to get along with and is an exact copy of his late father. His mother and I believe that he has a personality disorder and undoubtedly inherited from his father. There are other examples of this in his extended paternal relatives and I feel sure the genetic influence is the dominant one.
He doesn’t like me at all because I refuse to let him bully me. My daughter and granddaughter are reluctant to annoy him for the moment as they are trying to finalise their father’s affairs but he is being very uncooperative.
My daughter was a much better mum than I ever was and I don’t think parenting would have made a scrap of difference to his personality.
i agree @Lawson58 i was the same to all 4 of mine and one went wayward through no fault of my own. his dad was an alcoholic [not my husband] and he was its in the genes. its taken him a good 10 yrs to sort himself out but hes the best son we could have asked for now. and he quotes us to his own children now. weve gone off topic so im sorry @Wildflowerlady we havent helped you a bit.
please have your own inscription and its her loss, not yours
