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Why is it the small things that hurt the most.

Lizjg

Registered User
Dec 29, 2011
101
Near Newark / Grantam
My Mum died at then end of March and since then I have sorted out some of her clothes with my dad and jewellery with my sister and none of this really upset me. However today I came across some spare name labels of hers from when she was in the care home and I found it very hard to throw them away. I don't know if its because things like clothes etc are going to charity so it doesn't seem so bad, but throwing the labels in the bin made me feel like I was just throwing my Mum away.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,427
66
Toronto, Canada
It's true that it can be the smallest, humblest things that pull the most at our heartstrings. Keep the name tags if it will bother you to throw them out. Who says you have to get rid of everything? Do what feels right for you.
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,839
England
I've got nametapes from when my grandmother was at school and even one belonging to her mother. I could not throw these away. Keep just a few, not all of them. I know exactly what you mean though, it's the dismantling of a life that hurts.

It upsets me afresh each time I dispose of things no longer needed at my mum's house. Each time it's another change away from how she arranged her possessions and it feels somehow disrespectful. Her built in wardrobe now looks like a CH store cupboard with stacks of supplies for all her personal care needs. It hurt me to clear out her clothes and recommission the storage, even though it is a practical necessity. It hurt me to throw away her knickers - she will never need them again.

I sometimes imagine my father returning to see all the changes and wonder what he would think. It took me a long time to be able to box up his remaining things and we still have half his books on display in the carer's bedroom. It is a specialised collection of history books, reflecting his life, but of no interest to carers and just takes up useful storage space. It's been 7 years since Daddy died. This summer those books will get packed, but it will make me cry. It will no longer be his home. If I can't see his things then I will feel more alone in looking after my mum, because I will have put him in the past.
 
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augusta

Registered User
Nov 29, 2011
11
Parting with things that remind us of a loved one is so difficult. I found it impossible, and was lucky to have help. I still carry Mums purse with a bit of change in it everywhere I go, not to spend it, but that's what I did for years, so I can't stop! I also use the blanket she made even in the summer.
I want to feel her with me always.
 

kd7279

Registered User
Jan 13, 2010
223
Thanet, Kent
I've got nametapes from when my grandmother was at school and even one belonging to her mother. I could not throw these away. Keep just a few, not all of them. I know exactly what you mean though, it's the dismantling of a life that hurts.

It upsets me afresh each time I dispose of things no longer needed at my mum's house. Each time it's another change away from how she arranged her possessions and it feels somehow disrespectful. Her built in wardrobe now looks like a CH store cupboard with stacks of supplies for all her personal care needs. It hurt me to clear out her clothes and recommission the storage, even though it is a practical necessity. It hurt me to throw away her knickers - she will never need them again.
I found a use for my wifes old knickers. I put them in my garage for use as rags. Last night I was cleaning the windscreen of my car using an old pair and I found myself saying aloud to her "well, at last I have got my hand in your knickers again!" :):):)
Keith
 
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nicoise

Registered User
Jun 29, 2010
1,806
Too right - and it's much appreciated - and glad you can find moments of brevity, even when you're cleaning your windscreen! ;)
 

Lady Phoenix

Account Closed
Feb 8, 2014
135
Various
Please please keep them. Put them in a box and shove it in the attic, or put them on display or whatever but please keep this small item.

I lost my mum in 1997 and as a result of a couple of messy moves all I have left of her is a cardboard ring box with her name written on it in her writing. Its worthless and probably silly to keep it, but when I have a low moment I can pull that box out and see her name written on it and it is like she is with me.

Likewise, after I lost my daughter I was given her crystal in a purple silk bag. She was into this crystal hanging waving stuff. I have no idea about it, but she was into it. Anyway, this bag and crystal hangs on the wall above my laptop and that brings be great comfort.

The small things may hurt the most but they are also capable of bringing the most comfort.
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
I would keep them, we have her name plate which was on her bedroom door in the care home, I also have some of her hair from her hairbrush, I brushed my mums hair just before she died, I could part with the brush but not her hair, it is in a little box in the bottom of my memory box
 

nicoise

Registered User
Jun 29, 2010
1,806
I've kept so much stuff, including the care home things with name tapes on, because I couldn't bear to part with them.

But now it's heading towards the 3 year anniversary of losing Mum, I'm finding that I want to move away from those sad memories, and am slowly recycling the items associated with sad times. I only had the name tapes because of the home - so I'm not too attached to them. (My guilty secret is the hairbrush though, in a bag, tucked away!)

But I'm also finding that I've got items from happy times, and the mental images of decline and illness are being replaced with better memories (and photos) of healthy happy days. The old video tapes are a bit too much just yet :(