1. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    Why is it so distressing, when to get a result tears have to be shed. Susan would not toilet, wash, or dress this morning. So as there is no point in arguing / reason or logic. I said ok and walked away. Downstairs had my breakfast back up to shower, shave, teeth. Susan is then crying, sorry, so sorry. I knew that she would come around, but why does this "no I won't...." end in tears. I hate to see her like that. This is a regular occurrence.
    I know that was a question but I am not really after an answer because there is not one.
    It's a minor issue compared with many others who post, but I find it up-setting when Susan is upset. :(

    This took me by surprise the other morning. I was dressing Susan and she said quite suddenly, "mind that little girl, don't step on her" :eek: - bloody spooky it was. I nearly said to the little girl, here, you take over. ;)
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Cris,

    From my own experience, tears still give the acknowledgement that upset has been caused.

    I`m sure Susan doesn`t realize how much she upsets you when she refuses to comply, in the same way Dhiren doesn`t realize how much he upsets me, when he wants to `go home.`

    Our reactions give a disapprovong message, and only then, are they sorry.

    I have lost count of the number of times Dhiren has asked me what he has done wrong. I believe he has no idea.

    Might this be possible?

    Love xx
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    I am sure Sylvia has the right answer. It is only our disapproval/disappointment/anger , however mild, that sometimes triggers a fleeting thought. Hence the "I'm sorry". I truely believe that they have no idea.

    Had this scenario so very many times with Lionel, right from when we first met.
  4. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    Jean often breaks down in tears and it is hard for me not to do the same.

    Very gradually I have become, not hardened, but used to it to the extent where it does not have the same effect on me anymore.

    I know it is not Jean crying, it is the AD.

    If it was Jean she would have said "Up yours" or words to that effect, and done her own thing.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Well I cry over Coronation Street, but Dhiren had never cried in all our married life until he became so vulnerable with this dratted Alzheimers.

    It takes the backbone out of them.
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    John has never cried, and just ignores me when I am upset. For him, it seems to have deadened all emotion.

    And that's hard to bear.:(
  7. Westie

    Westie Registered User

    Peter doesn't respond with any emotion either. He is completely flat. He has found me sobbing sometimes and completely ignores me or will ask for a cup of tea as if nothing is going on.

    It's soul destroying to watch and very hard to live with.

  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I sympathize with both of you Hazel and Mary Ann. It must be soul destroying.

    Love xx
  9. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    On the spooky side of things...

    Dad used to say his old mentor (who had died around that time)used to come to him in his dreams...and then later he would talk about him sitting there amongst us...

    Also Dad used to regularly refer to Sam and look over my shoulder when he did so and it would seem as if he was having a conversation with Sam who was sitting behind me...Sam seemed to talk to Dad about me and then Dad would ask me with a worried look on his face if I was alright...I used to say I was fine and then wonder what Sam had been saying to make Dad worried about me lol The only Sam that I can think of that Dad may have been referring to was his brother Sam who had drowned before I was born in a boating accident...At that point Dad was beyond having a proper conversation with, so I couldnt clarify with him as to who Sam was.

    Other times since, he has seemed to see things/people that we can't see, sometimes they made him laugh and sometimes they made him angry or seem a bit scared...when they used to make him angry or scared, telling him they couldn't really do anything as they werent in the 'real world' seemed to soothe him?? I used to acknowledge that they were there, obviously as he could see them, but used to tell him they couldn't really do anything in this world. He seemed to understand that when I told him that and be calmed by that...

    Was it all just delusions? Maybe Uncle Sam is my guardian angel and Dad could see him sitting with me? Maybe Dad's mentor in life is still his mentor despite no longer being in our world...

    Could be just hallucinations but its nice to think that if they are not, Dad too will still be around after he leaves our world.
  10. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    Hazel and May Anne

    I understand that dead emotion. One of the first things that my Mum lost, before her dementia was diagnosed was her empathy. It was so hard. I remember bursting into tears when told that my fertility treatment dates had arrived a year sooner than expected when on holiday with her.

    Her response: Stop crying, you can't go down to dinner looking like that!

    Like wise with the hallucinations. In the past few years she has worked in the lab she used to work in 50 years ago, she has cared for children and she has watched me as a young girl playing while talking to me on the phone! All her time is now, there is no past and no future. Her life is in the present.

    It is so odd.

  11. Deeessex

    Deeessex Registered User

    Jul 16, 2007
    Hi All

    I think the loss of emotion is the first thing I noticed to be absent since my husbands diagnosis. He is a caring person and would always respond to make "things better" if I or our children were upset. Now he has problems recognising this in others. Equally he has no idea when he "rages" over small things and insists he's not shouting. We have come with some difficulty to accept his intolerance of things by almost ignoring his behaviour however our son who is 18 has most difficulty with this. We walk a tightrope at times.

    I hate this twilight time.
  12. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    We found that with mum - she's very much like a robot emotionally and really can't emphasise at all.

    It's one of the things that finally made us able to persuade dad to tell people about mum as she was offending them left, right and centre (quite an achievement for a woman who can't talk!).

    She just makes what she thinks is the appropriate noise but it's never the right one. A friend told her that their sister had a stroke and was in intensive care and she said "ooo" in a really excited way!:eek:

    On a more serious note it is this lack of empathy that hurts so much sometimes. Logically, I know that she won't respond to things (such as all the trouble with my daughter at the moment) but it still hurts when she doesn't react - there's still a part of me that wants to shout "why don't you care that your grandaughter could die?" but it only lasts for a few minutes. Let's face it given the choice she would want to care.
  13. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    On the lack of empathy...

    Often feel as if Dad has become somewhat autistic....wouldn't be surprised if the disease has affected the same part of his brain that is different in those that suffer autism...
    Its hard to take I know but it can be helpful to always try and remind yourself that they probably can't help it anymore...that the damage to their brain is causing their behaviours or lack of responsiveness....
    I know easier said than done, my family got caught up in a bad cycle of being upset at Dad, hurt by Dad, angry at Dad because of the ways he was behaving. I tried to look at his behaviours and ask myself, would this be how Dad would behave before the disease...if not then I would figure he couldnt help it...and no amount of crying, frustration or anger from me was going to change it...
    And also as with the nature of dementia where at times they do come back to be their normal selves at times, I used to think how horrified he would be when he realised how he had been behaving and that he seemed not to have control over it..Maybe thats also what the tears are about, not just because she feels bad for that particular incident but her frustration of no longer being able to be the owner of her responses..
    I'm not trying to lecture and act as if I am some fantastic super human who can get past the hurt that arises from being in such situations, instead I think the only reason I am able to have a different perspective is because I have been humbled my whole adult life by a certain amount of my own madness...
    I guess being a person who suffers hugely from hormonal swings where I have period where I behave completely out of character as a result and then feel ashamed of my behaviour later...I have monthly episodes of this where even though I know what is causing my behaviour there seems to be little I can do to control my emotional responses at these times and it is just fortunate for me that my husband understands that I dont mean any of it and that the bad period will pass...This is what helps me to have empathy for others who can't control their behaviours too and I guess I have learnt from my husband's management of my own behviours. For the shame I feel later, the complete disgust in myself for not being able to control my responses have made me fully aware that chemicals and the brain can be far stronger than the residual personality that lies beneath...but that the residual personality does still lie beneath...To have someone like my husband who can let the mean behaviour I display go and not take it to heart really is a great relief and I think in ways it also lessens my bad behaviour as I even when I am behaving badly, I know I am doing it. To know you are doing it and that the person you are hurting will still love you despite it seems to reduce the level of how badly I behave. I guess when you feel out of control like this and completely taken over by animalistic responses rather than your human side being in control you tend to behave more like an animal. When animals hurt they bite.
    Does any of that make sense? Or did I just clarify that I am a complete looney tunes??:eek:
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Thank you Nat, I hadn`t thought of that, you could be so right.

    Love xx
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Nat, it makes a whole lot of sense. Thank you for explaining the way you feel. John doesn't behave badly (apart from this perishing UTI), but his lack of emotional response is like a form of autism.

    It's very hard to handle when I'm particularly upset about something (usually his sons!), and he just doesn't care. But it's obviously a facet of his illness, he wasn't remotely like that before.


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