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Why do we have siblings who won't help?

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
335
0
As a male career I really take issue with this kind of sentiment. I’ve been caring for my mum full time for the last four years. She‘s incontinent, can’t walk, can’t talk and can’t feed herself. From the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep I cater to her every need. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It’s all me all the time.

Before I became my mums carer, my dad took care of her. He thought so much of caring for mum and not fussing about his own problems that it killed him. He literally worked himself to death putting my mums needs ahead of his own.

You know there’s a lot of us out there that are sons, husbands and brothers and we do the work And take the responsibility.

It’s this kind of rhetoric about useless males that makes me so angry. I get it from neighbours, medical professional, strangers. Oh you shouldn’t be looking after her. She needs someone who can look after her properly.

so once in a while maybe stop and have a think about what it may be like in world that’s not very accepting of male carers and remember where that sexism predominantly comes from
I have immense respect for male carers like yourself, not just because you are male but because you operate in a society, maybe even world, where it is apparently not the "norm" to be good at doing such a job. I wish you could meet my brother and tell him a thing or two. I respect that you are part of the change which may eventually happen where people lose those outdated and preconceived ideas which hurt us.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
267
0
I wanted to post my thread about my sibling. She has never helped with my mum in any shape or form. My mum has been very poorly in and out of hospital over the last couple of years but my sibling does not go to see her. I have had to deal with everything from Social Services to GPS to hospitals. I feel very alone and at times resentful. If I speak about mum she doesn't want to listen. I was the one who was the closest with mum and I guess I have been throughout my life. I envy relationships with people who have a close bond and support with their sibling. I had to just get this off my chest. It just might make me feel a bit better. I agree with you Juggling mum. I need some hands on deck sometimes.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,356
0
I wanted to post my thread about my sibling. She has never helped with my mum in any shape or form. My mum has been very poorly in and out of hospital over the last couple of years but my sibling does not go to see her. I have had to deal with everything from Social Services to GPS to hospitals. I feel very alone and at times resentful. If I speak about mum she doesn't want to listen. I was the one who was the closest with mum and I guess I have been throughout my life. I envy relationships with people who have a close bond and support with their sibling. I had to just get this off my chest. It just might make me feel a bit better. I agree with you Juggling mum. I need some hands on deck sometimes.
Join the club @Roman223 it's a big club. It is normal and quite reasonable to feel resentful. I actually felt that I was being laughed at, treated like a doormat and much more. It is over for me now and I don't see my sibling anymore and that is okay. In truth it is a shame because my parents would have hated that but I am sure that they would have been more upset at the way my sibling acted so that is the end of it really and I am okay with that.

Sorry that you too have a sibling who does not care and hopefully it will come back and bite them in the backside when they need some help.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
157
0
I wanted to post my thread about my sibling. She has never helped with my mum in any shape or form. My mum has been very poorly in and out of hospital over the last couple of years but my sibling does not go to see her. I have had to deal with everything from Social Services to GPS to hospitals. I feel very alone and at times resentful. If I speak about mum she doesn't want to listen. I was the one who was the closest with mum and I guess I have been throughout my life. I envy relationships with people who have a close bond and support with their sibling. I had to just get this off my chest. It just might make me feel a bit better. I agree with you Juggling mum. I need some hands on deck sometimes.
Hi

I can understand and I think it is normal to feel resentful sometimes, doesn't make you a bad person.

My dad in his wiser moments concluded that some people are better at caring than others. Maybe he is right but it doesn't mean that someone could or should not at the very least ask how their mum/dad is or if someone needs some help. I wonder how anyone can just NOT help at all, unless the parent/adult child relationship was not a healthy one or you don't get on. Even if someone lives a distance away they could still offer to help or support the sibling caring. I am going to be quite honest . I sometimes feel a little bit naffed with my brothers holiday photos , of course that sounds mean why should he not be away? but when you are scrubbing your dad's toilet, shopping, working , worrying about whether Dad is eating or has fallen or will fall , you don't always feel like replying to "this is an amazing view" or beaches where you would love to be instead of grappling your dad into a wheelchair or looking at mobility products lol. Just occasionally it would be nice to just say " is there anything I can do, I know I live away but if I can do anything just tell me" of course there isn't much he can do but it would occasionally be nice to just have that question asked. I have another sibling and I live half an hour away but feel guilty about not living closer ! I am probably thinking it is easier to live much further away and so therefore be exempt from the hands on stuff and the daily worry xx. Sending you a hug xx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
8,028
0
Essex
If you visit the Tea Room you'll see a poem about 'Invisibles' I forgot to mention in that thread about my youngest invisible giving me a lift to the hospital when taken was taken there for the last time. We arrived at the same time as the ambulance as soon as I got out of the car my invisible went back to work. Later when it was even clearer that things were getting serious I had to trick him into coming into the hospital. I think this something to do upsetting his work schedule and not wanting the responsibility.

MaNaAk
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
I envy relationships with people who have a close bond and support with their sibling.
Im really not sure how often this happens,
My brother was an invisible too. He visited his mum when she first moved into her care home and then never visited again in all the three years she was there - even when I told him she was at End of Life. At least he didnt interfere and try to undermine what I was doing.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
335
0
Hi

I can understand and I think it is normal to feel resentful sometimes, doesn't make you a bad person.

My dad in his wiser moments concluded that some people are better at caring than others. Maybe he is right but it doesn't mean that someone could or should not at the very least ask how their mum/dad is or if someone needs some help. I wonder how anyone can just NOT help at all, unless the parent/adult child relationship was not a healthy one or you don't get on. Even if someone lives a distance away they could still offer to help or support the sibling caring. I am going to be quite honest . I sometimes feel a little bit naffed with my brothers holiday photos , of course that sounds mean why should he not be away? but when you are scrubbing your dad's toilet, shopping, working , worrying about whether Dad is eating or has fallen or will fall , you don't always feel like replying to "this is an amazing view" or beaches where you would love to be instead of grappling your dad into a wheelchair or looking at mobility products lol. Just occasionally it would be nice to just say " is there anything I can do, I know I live away but if I can do anything just tell me" of course there isn't much he can do but it would occasionally be nice to just have that question asked. I have another sibling and I live half an hour away but feel guilty about not living closer ! I am probably thinking it is easier to live much further away and so therefore be exempt from the hands on stuff and the daily worry xx. Sending you a hug xx
Thank you for sharing this. My sibling is away again now for another 3 months on holiday on another continent- so that will be 6 months out of 8 since last November, finishing (this time) in July. I do resent him because he has been critical and nasty about all I have been doing and goes away without any more than a day's notice. My mother, with her confusion, is endorsing of my brother and his wife, sometimes comments on their kindness and makes excuses for them - "They have 3 houses to look after". I have not always got along with my mother. My relationship has often been fraught but I do what I do(with boundaries...which I am constantly re-addressing as things evolve) out of duty. I am not a nasty person. I have a conscience. I find it a hard job and a hard responsibility.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,356
0
If you visit the Tea Room you'll see a poem about 'Invisibles' I forgot to mention in that thread about my youngest invisible giving me a lift to the hospital when taken was taken there for the last time. We arrived at the same time as the ambulance as soon as I got out of the car my invisible went back to work. Later when it was even clearer that things were getting serious I had to trick him into coming into the hospital. I think this something to do upsetting his work schedule and not wanting the responsibility.

MaNaAk
@MaNaAk When dad was in hospital and we were called in to say goodbye My brother and I said we would stay all night with him. Dad was very agitated and was sedated twice but it didn't seem to work so it was a very difficult night. My brother appeared a bit bored and said he was going to get a coffee. I though that's nice, I could do with a coffee.

He came back after about 4 hours, he had actually left the hospital and driven to his work place for a coffee in the tearoom with his mates while I was left to cope with dad and his delirium. Anyway when he got back it was daylight and he had a quick look at dad who was asleep by then and said 'well he looks okay now' and then he went home. He was very pleased that dad looked a lot better because that meant that he wouldn't have to cancel his holiday.

Of course dad didn't die and I had almost another 3 weeks of hospital hell.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
899
0
I've been wondering whether this invisibles problem is worse in the case of dementia. How would these invisibles behave if a friend or family member were suffering from another health problem? And how would they behave if a friend or family member had a non-medical problem e.g. a divorce or family issues, work or financial problems? Is it the combination of cognitive decline and need for personal care that the invisibles find hard to deal with? Then of course there are the financial consequences of a PWD requiring a substantial amount of care, which an invisible may be keen to avoid, sometimes by denying that care is needed and sometimes by expecting or even demanding that someone else provide care for free, regardless of the effect on that person's own health, wellbeing and finances.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,356
0
Then of course there are the financial consequences of a PWD requiring a substantial amount of care, which an invisible may be keen to avoid, sometimes by denying that care is needed and sometimes by expecting or even demanding that someone else provide care for free, regardless of the effect on that person's own health, wellbeing and finances.
This was very true in dads case, my brother couldn't mention the word 'dad' without mentioning the word 'money' in the same breath. He behaved much the same when mum was ill and she did not have dementia. Dad looked after mum and probably did far more than any of us realised but we all knew that she was very ill. My brother rarely visited them and it was only for 10 minutes if he did because he was very busy, he also lived a 5 minute walk from them. I visited mum and dad probably 4 or 5 times a week, I always did from the day I left home, they were wonderful parents, loving and giving and good company so why wouldn't I

My SIL has been a big problem over the years. She craves attention all the time and must be adored by my brother and their children. Even the dog has to idolise her and of course it does because she takes it to bed with her and she has it on her lap at the dinner table and feeds it off her plate which I find very strange and a little embarrassing. Her children are grown up and they laugh about her but my brother has always done everything to please her and still does. She gave birth to their children and is practically a goddess deserving much praise and unwavering attention as far as he is concerned and nothing or nobody else matters.

After they got married they actually sat my mum down and they told her that from now on nothing else mattered to him apart from his family which quite upset my mum. I was livid when mum told me but had to keep quiet for the sake of keeping the peace. He meant it and he has kept to it. We have cousins and a couple of elderly aunts but he has never had any contact with any of them apart a couple of minutes at the occasional funeral, then it is 'hello' and then 'goodbye'

It's not normal as far as I am concerned and I could go on and on about it all day but that is why he is how he is and I think he has had a lot to put up with over the years, I almost feel sorry for him because he has actually missed out on a lot. The last time I saw him was a year ago when I gave him the last cheque from dad's estate.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
352
0
I’m finding this such an interesting thread to read…I also have had a brother who had done NOTHING, with a wife who appears to have borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately after staying away for years apart from occasional short visits where my brother sat playing with his phone when my mum died this week I could get rid of them. I found it all so horrible and I know Mum would have hated it too. After my mum died, my brother turned to me and said “You’ve done your best, you’ve done so much. In fact you have done everything”.
I can’t wait never to have to see him again. All he has done is criticise any decision I made. Get in the way, allow other people to criticise me. It’s been hard but him and his wife have made it so much harder than it needed to be. At the very start of the pandemic my mum was booked to join her care home and then it couldn’t happen due to the situation. I don’t drive and live a good x4 hours away. He drives and lives 20 mins away. I asked if he could get some essential shopping as I couldn’t get my usual online slot and he told me “what was your plan for a pandemic”.
I think girls are expected to help out by some of the older generations. But my brother in law does everything for his dad. I think it does just depend on the individual.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
3,190
0
North West
I’m finding this such an interesting thread to read…I also have had a brother who had done NOTHING, with a wife who appears to have borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately after staying away for years apart from occasional short visits where my brother sat playing with his phone when my mum died this week I could get rid of them. I found it all so horrible and I know Mum would have hated it too. After my mum died, my brother turned to me and said “You’ve done your best, you’ve done so much. In fact you have done everything”.
I can’t wait never to have to see him again. All he has done is criticise any decision I made. Get in the way, allow other people to criticise me. It’s been hard but him and his wife have made it so much harder than it needed to be. At the very start of the pandemic my mum was booked to join her care home and then it couldn’t happen due to the situation. I don’t drive and live a good x4 hours away. He drives and lives 20 mins away. I asked if he could get some essential shopping as I couldn’t get my usual online slot and he told me “what was your plan for a pandemic”.
I think girls are expected to help out by some of the older generations. But my brother in law does everything for his dad. I think it does just depend on the individual.
It is an interesting thread in many ways. I still ponder over my brothers behaviour from the moment my dad was dying till now and the only conclusion I can come too is one of self gain, nothing more. You can choose your freinds but.....

On the matter of women versus men that has arisen on this thread, I truly believe when we have finally come to real equality then hopefully such conversations will be resigned to the past, what matters is what we do not what sex we belong to
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,356
0
@Frank24 I used to get quite upset by it all but I realise now that it is not personal to me. I may be family but I am not part of his family so I am unimportant. Mum and dad were kept on because they were very useful and of course there was always the handouts and the inheritance.

The only time I got a thank you from my brother was a 'well done' for doing probate without a solicitor because that saved some money. Money again. There was never any empathy or concern about dads state of health. When I told him that his dad had lost 4 stone in 4 months he made a joke of it.

If I was to see my brother or his wife in the supermarket or anywhere I would be polite but that is it.

My husband did more for my dad than my brother ever did , way, way more in fact and he did it because he thought a lot of my dad and also because I would have gone under without his help.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
352
0
This was very true in dads case, my brother couldn't mention the word 'dad' without mentioning the word 'money' in the same breath. He behaved much the same when mum was ill and she did not have dementia. Dad looked after mum and probably did far more than any of us realised but we all knew that she was very ill. My brother rarely visited them and it was only for 10 minutes if he did because he was very busy, he also lived a 5 minute walk from them. I visited mum and dad probably 4 or 5 times a week, I always did from the day I left home, they were wonderful parents, loving and giving and good company so why wouldn't I

My SIL has been a big problem over the years. She craves attention all the time and must be adored by my brother and their children. Even the dog has to idolise her and of course it does because she takes it to bed with her and she has it on her lap at the dinner table and feeds it off her plate which I find very strange and a little embarrassing. Her children are grown up and they laugh about her but my brother has always done everything to please her and still does. She gave birth to their children and is practically a goddess deserving much praise and unwavering attention as far as he is concerned and nothing or nobody else matters.

After they got married they actually sat my mum down and they told her that from now on nothing else mattered to him apart from his family which quite upset my mum. I was livid when mum told me but had to keep quiet for the sake of keeping the peace. He meant it and he has kept to it. We have cousins and a couple of elderly aunts but he has never had any contact with any of them apart a couple of minutes at the occasional funeral, then it is 'hello' and then 'goodbye'

It's not normal as far as I am concerned and I could go on and on about it all day but that is why he is how he is and I think he has had a lot to put up with over the years, I almost feel sorry for him because he has actually missed out on a lot. The last time I saw him was a year ago when I gave him the last cheque from dad's estate.
Wow. Such a similar family dynamic to mine! As a SIL myself, I would never stop my husband from doing his bit and I haven’t been hugely involved with his parents as I’ve had my hands full but I am as supportive as I can be to his sisters and brother. I don’t feel the need to be the centre of attention
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
157
0
Thank you for sharing this. My sibling is away again now for another 3 months on holiday on another continent- so that will be 6 months out of 8 since last November, finishing (this time) in July. I do resent him because he has been critical and nasty about all I have been doing and goes away without any more than a day's notice. My mother, with her confusion, is endorsing of my brother and his wife, sometimes comments on their kindness and makes excuses for them - "They have 3 houses to look after". I have not always got along with my mother. My relationship has often been fraught but I do what I do(with boundaries...which I am constantly re-addressing as things evolve) out of duty. I am not a nasty person. I have a conscience. I find it a hard job and a hard responsibility.
I don't begrudge my other sibling holidays 💕(clears throat lol) There are a lot though . Most of the practical tasks are done by myself, my OH and sometimes my other sibling. I am the oldest and most of my life has been spent looking after someone else I suppose if I think about it. I haven't ever minded , it feels like that is just me. I agree with you there is a sense of duty, not sure why. We have always gotten along with our parents. Dad has been a widow for a long time and not coped well and we also helped nurse mum when she passed from cancer but this beast (dementia) is a whole different ball game. It is hard work and sometimes myself and middle sibling moan and get upset about not really wanting the huge weight of this. I too have a conscience and have no idea how you turn it off or ignore it lol.. It is an interesting thread though reading other peoples own experiences. Best wishes 💕
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,826
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Not quite the same but similar. When it comes to his mum now in care our son doesn’t really want to know and he has said that I should know he’s not like his sister who is much more cooperative and wants to see Bridget ( her mum) when the school holidays come round.

I think being “oh he’s a boy” is an easy get out and I think emotionally he’s lacking. No responsibility no emotional involvement. It’s that simple. Why get involved when you can duck out of it and not expend the energy. As far as he’s concerned I’m dealing with it and that one less thing he has to think about and care about.
Harsh but true
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
507
0
outside UK
Wow what an interesting thread -we too have had issues with an invisible who felt entitled to certain things, made our life harder when looking after my MIL and the invisible has now seen his mum twice since she went into a home 2 years ago. I took the brunt of the care with my OH helping but something that came to mind was the Bystander Effect - probably does not cover all the bases on this whereby its usually just one or two people that take the load when it comes to care but an interesting idea regardless.

What Is the Bystander Effect?​

The term bystander effect refers to the phenomenon in which the greater the number of people present, the less likely people are to help a person in distress. When an emergency situation occurs, observers are more likely to take action if there are few or no other witnesses. Being part of a large crowd makes it so no single person has to take responsibility for an action (or inaction).