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Why do we have siblings who won't help?

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,313
0
@Lawson58 - I think I meant it as a different issue, not a ciriticism of my sister. I guess the issue is more about those who could help, but won't - which definitely isn't the case with her.
Not an invisible, though I do really feel for those of you who have those.
At the end of the day, before and after dementia, we all have issues with our family and the relationships within it.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
335
0
If there is one main and fundamental thing I have wanted all along from my brother and his wife throughout all of this it is that they tell me when they are residing in the came city as myself and mother(who lives alone). They are a retired couple who flit between 3 locations - 1 about 80 miles away, another on another continent and the third in this city. I have asked it gently, I have put it in a text, I have emailed. There is never a response. Meanwhile, he does get sort of involved sometimes, but not with any of the services used. I avoid phone calls to him because he spends his time ranting and criticising about what I am doing or, if it is not me he is criticising, it is any one of the services, usually the hospital who "should" be sorting it out(of late after 4 unexplained falls) or me for not making them sort it out. I communicate at length, sometimes too much with all services and usually feel confident that they are doing their best....and in particular the hospital of late, whose conclusion was that the off balance feelings were most likely due to the dementia. I have suggested that he could become involved in these communications(although I am wary about what he would do or say to any of them) but he does not take up that offer.

And here I am, about to go away for 4 days tomorrow. Actually all of the after hospital discharge services who have spoken with me have told me it is important to go, and some of the people on this site have earlier suggested that I "bite the bullet" with my brother and that is what I am trying to do.

My mother, meanwhile, 8 days after 4 falls and 2 paramedic call outs and a hospital stay is now saying she doesn't want any of the equipment they have brought to her house - the zimmer for using when going to the toilet upstairs from bed, the 4 wheel rollator for outside (if she gets to that point again) and which would be in favour of her 3 wheel rollator which she refuses to put the locking mechanism on because she "likes the handle bars close together" and the new better supporting trolley for transporting her food from one room to the other. Also her old "confidence" is coming back in her criticisms about the way the carers do things.

I despair of mother (but I think the dementia probably makes the memory of what has just happened over the last week "muddy" or the fear and the emotion she seemed to have felt has gone). I despair of my brother . I have emailed all the details of our break, I also texted an update. No response. I am attempting to take a break and step away.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
826
0
Perhaps it is because they are selfish rather than because they are male. Let's not be sexist!
Well let's not but this whole thing is because of sexism. I'm not saying they aren’t selfish, but daughters are still expected to do more in terms of caring roles, and women have been brought up as such and are under more expectation - still - and male children are just not under these burdens. They have other ones, sure, but in the carer realm, it remains so at present. And despite my mother being a feminist, my younger brother, partly through being the baby of the family and through outside forces has internalised the ability to just not bother with anything he doesn't want to do. And that includes seeing or caring for his father. And he lies to my family saying that dad refused to see him or was mean to him therefore he won't bother with him. We'll he's refused to talk to me and been cruel to me too but I know it's his illness and I have managed to get over it most of the time. I feel good about how I have stepped up. He has to live with himself.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,753
0
Southampton
i think its more stereotyping the genders to be honest. even with toys, girls at a young age look after dolls, play with kitchens, prams and further on about fashion dolls where as boys tend to have super heroes that save the day for them. i had 2 girls and 2 boys and we had no girls jobs but jobs that needed doing. they all did jobs and played with all toys. my son is now a carer for his partner and both sons cook very well. my daughters are not fans of cooking but will like me. they dont consider gender jobs or their partners. in history, men went to work and women stayed home to look after the family. the daughter was expected to stay in the family home with the husband moving in with them.
the generations have learnt from the one before. its the stereotyping that needs to stop then maybe it will be more equal in caring.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,431
0
High Peak
Perhaps it is because they are selfish rather than because they are male. Let's not be sexist!
OK... point taken. I will say this though: the care women do is less appreciated and under valued. When a man takes on caring duties, people think he's especially nice and doing something over and above what would be expected. If a woman is caring for someone, well, that's what women are for/good at :(

I recall a carer saying to me, after one of my brother's 3 visits in 3 years, 'Awww, isn't it nice that he's come to visit his mother!' No one ever said that to me.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,357
0
i think its more stereotyping the genders to be honest. even with toys, girls at a young age look after dolls, play with kitchens, prams and further on about fashion dolls where as boys tend to have super heroes that save the day for them. i had 2 girls and 2 boys and we had no girls jobs but jobs that needed doing. they all did jobs and played with all toys. my son is now a carer for his partner and both sons cook very well. my daughters are not fans of cooking but will like me. they dont consider gender jobs or their partners. in history, men went to work and women stayed home to look after the family. the daughter was expected to stay in the family home with the husband moving in with them.
the generations have learnt from the one before. its the stereotyping that needs to stop then maybe it will be more equal in caring.
@jennifer1967 It's quite shocking really, I remember listening to my mum talking on the phone to her friend about me. I can still recall the exact words she used to describe my life prospects.

'she is 22 years old with no husband and no babies, I don't know what will become of her'

I realised that I was expected to marry and provide grandchildren for my mum. It's okay, that's just how it was then and I did eventually provide a grandchild at the age of 37 Mum had all but given up by then and was over the moon with him.

I have no ambitions for my son, he can lead his life as he sees fit, I just want him to be happy in whatever he does and I would feel the same if I had a daughter. I never played with dolls when I was little although I remember giving one a haircut once. I was an adventurous child and I didn't like dresses which I think disappointed my mum. I preferred to be outside on my bike or scooter and make dens anywhere possible. I wonder do children still make dens.

I will say in her defence that she was a great mum and we got on really well but she did stereotype us. My brother was expected to have a career and I was expected to produce grandchildren.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
362
0
OK... point taken. I will say this though: the care women do is less appreciated and under valued. When a man takes on caring duties, people think he's especially nice and doing something over and above what would be expected. If a woman is caring for someone, well, that's what women are for/good at :(

I recall a carer saying to me, after one of my brother's 3 visits in 3 years, 'Awww, isn't it nice that he's come to visit his mother!' No one ever said that to
OK... point taken. I will say this though: the care women do is less appreciated and under valued. When a man takes on caring duties, people think he's especially nice and doing something over and above what would be expected. If a woman is caring for someone, well, that's what women are for/good at :(

I recall a carer saying to me, after one of my brother's 3 visits in 3 years, 'Awww, isn't it nice that he's come to visit his mother!' No one ever said that to me.
@Jaded'n'faded . You are right. An example…..If say, a man mows the lawn he will expect you to “massage his ego” for the next hour. i.e. oh thank you, you are so wonderful.
In the meantime you could have cleaned the whole house but will your work even be recognised let alone thanked.😡
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,753
0
Southampton
@jennifer1967 It's quite shocking really, I remember listening to my mum talking on the phone to her friend about me. I can still recall the exact words she used to describe my life prospects.

'she is 22 years old with no husband and no babies, I don't know what will become of her'

I realised that I was expected to marry and provide grandchildren for my mum. It's okay, that's just how it was then and I did eventually provide a grandchild at the age of 37 Mum had all but given up by then and was over the moon with him.

I have no ambitions for my son, he can lead his life as he sees fit, I just want him to be happy in whatever he does and I would feel the same if I had a daughter. I never played with dolls when I was little although I remember giving one a haircut once. I was an adventurous child and I didn't like dresses which I think disappointed my mum. I preferred to be outside on my bike or scooter and make dens anywhere possible. I wonder do children still make dens.

I will say in her defence that she was a great mum and we got on really well but she did stereotype us. My brother was expected to have a career and I was expected to produce grandchildren.
my mum used to say that she didnt expect so many grandchildren from her 2 daughters. maybe 4 she predicted. i had 4 and my sister had 5 girls in the end, 1 after my mum died.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,753
0
Southampton
I am not a fan of political correctness but hang on ladies, give men a break!!!!!
we are trying to but its hard when you have to pin a medal on a man if he does the washing up or changes a nappy. its taken for granted that a woman should do it. even now, because my husband has always cooked, they say isnt he good and keep hold of him. i cooked as well and so i should. double standards
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
951
0
I recall my dad saying one day to me 'well its your job' and quietly thinking to myself is it?. Dad was referring to the fact that we were looking after him ( my sister and I ) and he did expect it. We did all his chores after our mum passed including feeding and walking his dog aside from all the other things involved in his dementia. Thankfully dad did also have 4 carer visits a day. My dad passed away last year and I do really miss him but I never wanted to see what I did as being in a carer role because I always wanted to be first and foremost his daughter. The role of looking after dad became so much that I felt I was losing the status of daughter. In my own home I have now accepted the role that I am actually a carer this is to my partner. I do absolutely everything including decorating, gardening and walking our dog he cant' even change a light bulb. My partner aged 79 has had Parkinson's for around 13 years he is now getting a bit vague about stuff. I look after him full time I so dread the thought of him getting dementia as well. I sometimes wonder how I managed going back and forth to my dads a few days a week for three years plus to get him out of bed and down his stairs doing a full cooked breakfast each time before the morning carer arrived. It wasn't just an expectancy from dad but my sister too. Of course I wanted to help with my dad but it did take over my life left my partner feeling vulnerable as sometimes the visits to dad could be long. I feel worn out already at 62 years.
 

Wildwoodflower

Registered User
Sep 18, 2021
28
0
Do women do the majority of unpaid care work? Absolutely, and it really isn't even worth arguing about. It is simply a fact.
Here's the Office of National Statistics with figures for the UK derived from the Census:
Census Data on Gender and Unpaid Work
Bottom line, when it comes to caring, women do more than twice as much unpaid work as men. Overall, women do 60 per cent more unpaid work than men.
Now, that said you only have to read the forum posts here for it to be clear that of course there are men who do their share and much, much more. But in the population at large? No, men don't do nearly as much as women. And that is a concrete fact.
I hope everyone agrees that we can have a conversation about this without anyone feeling that we mean them, personally? We really don't.
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
214
0
Lincolnshire
Ummmm, my husband has a son and a daughter, the daughter lives close to her mother and is very supportive (no dementia, disabilities), her partner has health problems, she is very supportive to his parents, she also is in constant communication with her father (PWD) and me, and visits him regularly, she is over 3hours away. His son rings him once a month if he’s lucky, never asks him how he is or tries to talk to him, just puts the grandchildren on, my husband finds this very difficult and won’t speak to him without me being there and speaker being on. We have seen him only 3 times since the first lock down in March 2020; and one of those times was us visiting them in summer 2020 for a couple of hours( he only allowed us in his garden and gave his father a 20min lecture for going to cuddle the youngest child while playing (my husband had forgot he wasn’t supposed to touch), he was totally bemused as to what he had done wrong. If anything happens to me I have no doubt at all as to which of his children will step up to help. It’s very sad as he does still realise and know, and as children he spent far far more time and attention on his son.
 

Cap'n Grimm

Registered User
Feb 6, 2019
52
0
They are like this because they are male,

As a male career I really take issue with this kind of sentiment. I’ve been caring for my mum full time for the last four years. She‘s incontinent, can’t walk, can’t talk and can’t feed herself. From the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep I cater to her every need. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It’s all me all the time.

Before I became my mums carer, my dad took care of her. He thought so much of caring for mum and not fussing about his own problems that it killed him. He literally worked himself to death putting my mums needs ahead of his own.

You know there’s a lot of us out there that are sons, husbands and brothers and we do the work And take the responsibility.

It’s this kind of rhetoric about useless males that makes me so angry. I get it from neighbours, medical professional, strangers. Oh you shouldn’t be looking after her. She needs someone who can look after her properly.

so once in a while maybe stop and have a think about what it may be like in world that’s not very accepting of male carers and remember where that sexism predominantly comes from
 
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Cap'n Grimm

Registered User
Feb 6, 2019
52
0
OK... point taken. I will say this though: the care women do is less appreciated and under valued. When a man takes on caring duties, people think he's especially nice and doing something over and above what would be expected. If a woman is caring for someone, well, that's what women are for/good at :(

I recall a carer saying to me, after one of my brother's 3 visits in 3 years, 'Awww, isn't it nice that he's come to visit his mother!' No one ever said that to

Believe me this is not always the case. There plenty of people out there who don’t think a man should be doing the work of caring. Whether it be in whispers behind the back or quite blatantly to the face, I’ve heard it, and not necessarily from other men.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,753
0
Southampton
Believe me this is not always the case. There plenty of people out there who don’t think a man should be doing the work of caring. Whether it be in whispers behind the back or quite blatantly to the face, I’ve heard it, and not necessarily from other men.
my point was its stereotyping that seems to start from young. my son is a carer for his partner and he manages the house and kids as well so i would not for one minute say that men cant care and are good at it. i remember years ago, i had my third child, i had a male midwife. he was by far the best midwife and better to manage. i had a fourth with a female. then there was a male creche worker and everyone frown on that. there seems to be a stigma when men fulfill "traditional women roles"but also when roles are reversed and women are mechanics and male dominated jobs. its just gender stereotyping and hidden messages that are then reinforced
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,431
0
High Peak
Believe me this is not always the case. There plenty of people out there who don’t think a man should be doing the work of caring. Whether it be in whispers behind the back or quite blatantly to the face, I’ve heard it, and not necessarily from other men.
But as you say, that sexism is out there because you've experienced the other end of it yourself, by being a male in a traditionally female role.

I do agree that sexism is perpetrated by women as well as men.

You said: 'It's this sort of rhetoric about useless males that makes me so angry.' I'm not surprised.

So how do you think women feel trying get ahead in any traditionally male role?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
There plenty of people out there who don’t think a man should be doing the work of caring. Whether it be in whispers behind the back or quite blatantly to the face, I’ve heard it, and not necessarily from other men
I think this is the point that @Jaded'n'faded (and others) are trying to make.

I think it is a cultural issue. Statistically, more women than men are carers and the general population (not all of it, but a large majority) think that caring is a womans job and therefore expect women relatives to stand up and do it. If a man does any caring it becomes noteworthy - for either high praise, condemnation or even ridicule.