Why Do they treat some people badly and other just fine?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Anonymous4now, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. Anonymous4now

    Anonymous4now Registered User

    Jun 22, 2014
    41
    USA
    How can they treat some people just fine and then take it out on one person? She is also quite normal at times (but less and less, it seems) and at other times she is not "normal".
    It is affecting me/ I don't know how you all keep your emotions separate (if you can) when it is happening with someone you know and love. The others just say "oh, she is "senile" and seem not to take it personally. If I leave the situation, while she is ranting at me, I feel guilty. Advice on what I am doing here, please? Thank you.

    PS: I know the word senile is wrong but that is the word my sib uses. No disrespect meant to anyone.
     
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hello.
    The truth is, though we know it's this awful disease it still hurts, well it did me.
    I too felt guilty about leaving the room, but when all else failed to calm mum I felt it best to give her the space to calm down, I also left if I felt I could lose m cool, then a loud scream in the kitchen helped me release my anger.

    When my dad was mums main carer he took the brunt of it, then when I came here to look after mum as dad had worn himself out, gradually I became the evil one in mums eyes. When before I had been the apple of her eye and she was my best friend.
     
  3. Anonymous4now

    Anonymous4now Registered User

    Jun 22, 2014
    41
    USA
    #3 Anonymous4now, Oct 30, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2015
    So, then, is it the person who is the closet to them? Or the one who is an easy target? I made the mistake of saying "I don't have to take this". Really stupid. I read Teepa Snow and Compassionate Communication over and over again, but it is not easy to put it into practice all of the time, or even, for me, most of the time. Feel I am failing at this. Apologizing does not help in my case because she doesn't accept the apology.
     
  4. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,161
    Yeah well Teepa Snow isn't a guru. She's not 'right' and everyone else is 'wrong.' In fact, have a look about what the Alz Org has to say about it.
    You're doing fine. My view is that if you take all the rubbish that someone with dementia dishes out without a murmur or private anger, at least, then you're well on the way to turning into a victim/martyr and that ain't a good thing. And you're right - you don't have to take it. You do have a choice. You're not being 'stupid.' You're being normally self-assertive, so good for you! Personally, I prefer feisty people to doormats! :)
    Oh - and they always seem to take it out on the one who does most. I think it's because they expect that person to make it all better for them and when that's not the case they get frustrated, angry, nasty, but who knows?
    Vent away on here. Mostly you'll find helpful advice and understanding. *hug*
     
  5. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Nobody's right and everyone else wrong. My OH has been classed as severe dementia and when he swore at me last night, I said, "I'm not going to be sworn at," and walked out. We live in a retirement village and he found me in the library after about 20 minutes, then apologised!
    Sometimes I think we can be too accepting and I wouldn't be apologising for what you said. Don't beat yourself up when you think you're not perfect - nor is anyone else. If nothing else, they will have forgotten it by the next day, unless they're in early stages.
     
  6. Anonymous4now

    Anonymous4now Registered User

    Jun 22, 2014
    41
    USA

    thank you.
     
  7. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,242
    We're just people, and we deal with situations like that as best as we can. Also, don't forget that these ranting moments often come with emotional baggage, so it's not just about us caring for people who can get a bit verbally abusive (it wouldn't really have that same sting coming from a stranger) but about caring for people who know how to push our buttons.

    Personally, I found walking away to be the best strategy. Staying to be ranted at had no positives attached to it as my mum would rarely be distracted (though I usually tried that first), her rants were usually nonsense about some imagined slight or theft, and she wouldn't even remember them later. So there was absolutely no point in standing there and trying to reason or even just taking it. No point at all. Try telling yourself that and maybe the guilt will ease a bit.
     
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #8 lin1, Oct 31, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2015
    You are doing your level best, like the rest of us you can only cope with/take so much then that string stretches too much and goes twang.
    IMO before that happens its best to leave the room, take a breather, if you feel like it scream like I said earlier then make yourself a nice hot drink .

    IMO You did nothing wrong in saying "I don't have o take this"
    I myself gently told my mum off from time to time, things like, that's not nice is it , I don't have to take that , never ever when I was upset. as I didn't want to go to far or be harsh, Sometimes it helped sometimes not. Now I'm not saying I was right in doing this.

    You have to learn to forgive yourself, you are only human not a saint.
     

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