Why do I react?

chrissieL

Registered User
Jun 22, 2005
54
69
Shropshire
When my husband is being uncooperative and difficult I still have a tendancy to react and argue with him. It's not until we are a few minutes into an arguement that I realise he really cannot hold what I am saying in his head and that it isn't like it used to be, I can't have a conversation with him any more and he isn't my husband ( or not the way he used to be) he's another person, a poor old man that can't cope with his condition.
How do I keep my cool, I feel alone all the time and I've lost my mate, my friend.
That's how it feels anyway. I hope this makes sense, it's early in the morning!

Chris.
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Its a bummer isn't it? I know just how you feel - I was there 6 years ago. Now I almost wish I could have an argument with Jan, because her faculties are too far gone for that now.

The key thing to remember is that, no matter how mad you get with him, he won't remember. It's the only redeeming feature of all this.

You make perfect sense, and there will always be times when it all gets too much and something snaps inside. You just want them back.
 

Jude

Registered User
Dec 11, 2003
2,287
66
Tully, Qld, Australia
Dear Chrissie,

This makes total sense at any time of the day........

It doesn't matter whether you are having a tiff or sharing good times, the reactions are sure to be totally different these days. That must be a terribly hard situation to deal with for you.

Jude
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Dear Chrissie, know exactly whereyou are at. In any situation we can only do our best. Having attended a couple of lectures from a Dr. G. Stokes I feel I know, in theory, how to cope...........But we are all only human.

It is hard to remember all the time that we are not dealing with our loved ones as we once knew them. I know Lionel does not register half the things I say to him, let alone remember them.

Brucie struck a cord though...we may well look back on these days and wish we could just argue. Stay strong, god bless, Connie
 

chrissieL

Registered User
Jun 22, 2005
54
69
Shropshire
Thanks everyone it's lovely to know you are not alone, had another bad day today with daycare, the home are getting fed up with it too. A member of staff was waiting for me tonight to tell me he had wandered off and that it might be an idea to cut down his time, I know he isn't going to settle into this, I'll have to put my thinking cap on and try to work out how I'll cope if he refuses to go!
He is totally unaware of all of it and is happy as Larry...typical!!!

Chris.
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hi Chrissiel
I too know just how you feel.
I remember Bruce saying"you cannot reason with the unreasonable"and I have tried to go by that.
My belief is "Day by day" the only way.
We never have a conversation anymore,Peg talks nonsense and gets annoyed with me because I am too thick to understand.
We have a few little rows ,then they are forgotten in about 5 minutes,we all blow up at times,Peg has forgotten all about it very quickly.
There are many on this site who understand how you feel,post when you feel the need
Norman
 

Nutty Nan

Registered User
Nov 2, 2003
788
Buckinghamshire
Dear all,
the list of the things I miss is endless - the banter, the joking, the planning, discussions, decisions (oh, the responsibility of all the big decisions we always shared), work and play ...... I try hard not to reason with the unreasonable, but sometimes he appears so 'together' and 'normal' that I forget.
The two worst things are when he insists I am not 'me' and is therefore cross that 'I' have not bothered to come home (I assume this makes sense on TP?) :rolleyes: , and when I am dog tired, stressed or impatient, and he is totally unaware and un-co-operative.......
By the time I remind myself of how much more difficult everything is for him, I always feel so ashamed and useless. I know it's up to me to 'live in his world', but it's hard!
 

Jude

Registered User
Dec 11, 2003
2,287
66
Tully, Qld, Australia
Hi Nan,

Living in AD World full time would be just about impossible for most of us, I reckon. We do have to get out and do some reality testing at some time.... that's why TP is so brilliant. Somebody has to keep the juggling act going after all.

My father has often been vocal and erudite to me and others, on the subject of 'Judith, our daughter who never bothers to visit us and whom we haven't seen for years'.

Ho hum.....

Jude
 

daughter

Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
824
So far, much of the time, my Dad knows who my Mum is and uses her name in conversation. Although the other day Mum was asked quite vehemently by Dad: "Where's my wife?" She told him that 'his wife' had popped out to do some shopping.

A year or so ago Mum would have said "I'm your wife!". At least she has come to realise that this approach is fruitless but I know that, quite naturally, it still hurts her to think that Dad doesn't know her.