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Why do I keep getting asked........

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
As many of you know MIL is in respite up until this Tuesday. Why is everyone we know obsessed with asking have we phoned the CH (no, why we would we want to do that???) have we called then to ask if she has settled in ok (no, if she hasn't there is nothing we can do) and have we visited (no, why we would we want to that as she lives with us 24/7 for the rest of the time) - are they mad or is it us. Neither of us has called the CH as we are well aware they are capable of calling us if they need us. Why would we visit as this is meant to be a rest for us?

If it were my hubby in the CH I think things would be different

What do others do,please?
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
I would say ignore them. If you and hubby had decided to go on holiday whilst MIL was in respite you wouldn't be expected to visit or ring so what is the difference if you've not gone away.

People's opinions will vary greatly I'm sure, some people would ring and visit, me, my mum is in a Nh 2 minutes from where I live, I pass by every morning on my way back from dropping my boys to school. I neither feel compelled nor guilted into popping on every time I go by. Why would I? Mum doesn't like me at the minute, she is safe and settled and she is well. If her health deteriorated then yes I would visit more often but, I spent a year of my life with a new born and 2 other children constantly running round after/looking after mum.

I agree with you, respite is your time off so enjoy it.

Sharon
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Respite is for you to have a rest. I have pleaded with my dad not to call the home when my mam is in respite, but he can't help himself. Of course if they say she's settled, his mind is put at rest, but if they say she's agitated he does nothing but fret and worry, which is hardly a rest for him.

Of course, she is his wife, not his mother, so perhaps I would be the same if it was my husband who was in respite.

But I think you're doing the right thing, IMHO. Have a proper rest while you can. It won't be long till you're back in the thick of it and you need to recharge your batteries.

xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,274
0
Kent
People are very good at giving unsolicited advice. It`s one of my bugbears. If I was very rude [and I try not to be] if people ask if I`ve phoned, I would want to reply, “ No I haven`t. Have you?”

You are having respite from caring 1954 and do not need to phone to ask about your Mil. As you said, if there was any cause for concern the home know how to contact you.

These `well meaning `people are spoiling your respite.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,035
0
72
Durham
I agree with you entirely the CH my husband goes to always says" have a complete rest do not phone and we will not phone you unless it's urgent"
He has never been longer than 5 nights so I don't need to visit and the only time they phoned my son was to see how often Allen took his inhaler ,
The first time he was there my daughter phoned after a couple of days as I was fretting so much and they said he was fine,

You need a complete break don't take any notice of other people they have no idea what it is like unless they have done it themselves,

Jeany xx
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,791
0
Hertfordshire
I ring the CH when my husband is in respite, but the last time Ionly rang twice and that was in a fortnight. I would not dream of visiting him during respite as then you defeat the object.

If the CH are anxious about your MIL they will get in touch. Enjoy your freedom.

Jeannette
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Anytime 54.

As you can see we are all of the same opinion here, maybe that's because we all know what it's like to care for someone with dementia, I would guess a majority of your busybodies don't have that experience.

Chin up, grab a Pinot and pretend you're somewhere hot and lovely x
 

virg

Registered User
Jan 13, 2010
112
0
cheshire
In defence of the people who say something, they're probably thinking of it from a point of view that they understand. e.g. if a child went to camp, someone might ask if they've phoned and if they're enjoying it. Obviously it isn't the same and we know that, but I'm not sure that they're busybody comments, just from a different level of understanding.

I think it's important to make sure that the respite is a break for the full time carer so my Dad didn't visit/phone during my Mum's time in respite and had no intention of doing so. The only pity is that he didn't make as much of it as he could have.
 

Anongirl

Registered User
Aug 8, 2012
2,668
0
It's called respite for a reason. You need this break. As has been said it's unlikely the people asking you if you have contacted the CH have ever cared for someone 24/7. I can't say for sure if I was in your position if I would ring (though it's my mum not MIL). Though to be honest I think I would be worried I would hear something I didn't want to hear!

There is a particular carer who asks my mum regularly "have you seen/heard from you daughter today". It totally winds me up when mum tells me this! I can't help but feel judged.

Hope you recover soon X
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
I honestly think the world divides into those who think "Why would I?" and those who think "I must" or "Why wouldn't you?" We've had endless issues with this over several decades with a family member who falls into the latter category. The rest of us are more inclined to think that you'll be contacted if needed. When I took my children to PGL holidays I never phoned, and they would have thought me an embarrassing fusspot if I had done. When family members have been in hospital (unless severely ill) I would not visit or phone every day.

Other people have different emotional needs and feel compelled to stay in touch, or maybe don't trust the professionals. I don't know. Sometimes they are right to be suspicious and pester those caring for their friend / relative, so I would never say don't do it, because sometimes your instincts tell you something that your mind has not processed. However, if you trust the facility and know that your loved one is being well looked after, you should allow yourself to detach.

This is the greatest benefit of respite, that mental detachment from responsibility for a vulnerable person. Some people feel unbearably guilty and can't allow themselves to detach as if it is abandoning the person they care for. You sound as if you have a very healthy attitude to this respite break.

I think the issue with other people poking their long nebs into the situation is that they don't like change from the status quo. You have made a change, albeit temporary, and they feel compelled to try to put you back in your box. I agree with Grannie G, my response would be "No I haven't. Have you?" "No? Well feel free to let the CH know that her friends are thinking of her. I'm sure we'll speak again after we've had our respite break. Just for now we're having a well-earned rest. Thanks for calling, goodbye." :rolleyes:
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
0
South Gloucs
My wonderful boss always says that 'must', 'should' and 'ought' are three of the most unhelpful words in the dictionary!

The reasons for respite are clear, except to those who have never needed any. .you're doing it right - ignore them (easier said than done I know, but try! )


xxxxx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
While I think the comments are probably well meaning, and from not understanding the pressures of caring for a person with dementia 24/7. I think my reply may well be along the lines of "As we care for her 24/7, this is our respite time but please feel free to visit or phone yourselves, MIL would love to see a different face". And try not to sound toooooo sarcastic. :D
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
15,115
0
South Staffordshire
I have to agree with everyone else. Respite is for the carer, a break and in ideal circumstances a chance to get away from everything.

So no visiting, if there was a problem then the CH would ring you, so no need to ring.

These are just the usual comments we come across when caring and they always come from those who have never been a carer. Ignorance is bliss.

You enjoy your respite,

Jay
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
0
London
Can't add anymore to what has already been said 1954....can only send you a big hug and enjoy this rest, you need it, as for the people that seem to forget to think with daft comments, ignore them and let them have just a day doing what you do so well for your mum in law;)
Chris x
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
I'm with Noorza on this one, I would even go so far as to jot down the name and address of the home with the phone number on a few slips of paper, keep them in my bag or pocket, and give one to anyone who asks you again. In fact why don't you go round to their houses and deliver the details through the letter box with a little note saying ....would love a visit from you.
 

virg

Registered User
Jan 13, 2010
112
0
cheshire
I'm really sorry but I don't understand why there is the assumption that people are being critical in any way by asking if you've contacted the home. If the same person is asking again and again, then maybe but sometimes people just ask things like that to show their interest or concern.

The thing is, I could imagine my friends asking that question, not in any critical way but because they don't know what else to ask. They have absolutely nothing to do with my parents so to offer the name or address of the home would be just silly.

Maybe I'm looking at it too much from my situation but I prefer to think that people are being interested rather than have any bad motive.

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding the situation.
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
I'm really sorry but I don't understand why there is the assumption that people are being critical in any way by asking if you've contacted the home. If the same person is asking again and again, then maybe but sometimes people just ask things like that to show their interest or concern.

The thing is, I could imagine my friends asking that question, not in any critical way but because they don't know what else to ask. They have absolutely nothing to do with my parents so to offer the name or address of the home would be just silly.

Maybe I'm looking at it too much from my situation but I prefer to think that people are being interested rather than have any bad motive.

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding the situation.

I think they are just being interested but its the disbelief that we have not and are not going to call or visit that has got me!