why do i find my mum is so annoying , when other people dont ???

[bmw777]

my mum who has dementia is constantly talking or argueing with herself . i find this so frustrating and irritating . i cant think clearly myself . my own thoughts are over powered by this constant talking and argueing in the back ground .
now my daughter who is 23 , is not bothered at all by my mums constant talking and self argueing . my daughter does not have perfect hearing < lucky for her >

Anyway i was thinking people have different senses , which they prioritise over .
sense /smell /sound /visual / taste ..

for me sound must be the most important one . as from my screen name BMW777 . i love bmw cars and the sound the engine makes , is just ..ummmmmm ..
my partner does not understand the sound of 6 cylinder BMW engine is like music to my ears , to her it is just noisey
she is a more visual person , and everything has to be spick and span . the home has to be perfect , like a show home !!

just wondered how other carers cope ,and how some people cope much easier than others and whether it is natural ability , or maybe out of the FIVE different senses , they do affect the way they behave ?

 

[Grannie G]

Because I`m visually and hearing impaired my most sensitive sense is smell. I find bad smells very difficult to live with.

Lucky for me my husband loved a bath and clean clothes every day. When I read of those who are frightened of water and won`t wash or change their clothes I thank my lucky stars.

In later years the smell of urine was my achilles heel. I bought every product under the sun to rid the house of the smell. I bought waterproof chair pads for every seat in the house. The mattress and duvet were covered, I did everything short of wrapping my husband in a polythene bag.

As for some finding it easier than others, I suppose a lot depends on our expectations of life.
We are all going to age and die. Some who have lost children might say we are lucky if we do age. How we age is not really our choice, it`s more about our genetic make up , although some of it does depend on lifestyle.

We are not robots so cannot fail to be upset and saddened by disease and suffering. I think a lot depends on our approach to it.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Because they don't have to deal with it all the time like you most probably!

 

[poll1]

There's also an old saying, true whether or not there's dementia to contend with:

Q - How does your mum know exactly how to push your buttons?
A - Because she installed them

xx

 

[rajahh]

I think the annoyance I feel against my husband is because I absolutely hate how he is now, and want him back.

Perhaps there is an element of that with you, you hate what your mother has become and just want her to be her old self.

???????????????????

Jeannette

 

[bmw777]

hi jeanette

i think there is some truth in that . like everyone , i would love my mum to be the happy old grand ma who bakes cakes and loves to see the grand children and even look after the grand children . or see her go on a holiday with friends who do other things with people her own age and just generally enjoy her twilight years .
.
it is the same for everyone who has a relative suffering dementia .
we would love to see them enjoy life , and not that we have to care and worry about them daily x

 

[kingmidas1962]

Smell is also the worst thing, for me. I don't know why this is - apparently its the first smell to develop when we are born as babies can't focus, but they can smell mum.

All I can think of is that I most often associate smells with GOOD things.

Cut grass = Summer
The scent of rain on dry paving = rainfall after a long, dry spell.
(this is called petrichor by the way - oooh, get me)
Sun cream or anything coconut = holidays

so bad smells instantly bring memories of bad things, and I guess that's why I find them hard to deal with ... the other day I was helping dad into his chair (in a home) and I suddenly got a waft of not very recently washed armpit ... I nearly dropped him and hated myself instantly for it! He is always very clean and tidy but I guess someone must have missed a bit when he had his shower ... he's never used deodorant and I'm not about to suggest he starts, but as he was always quite a fastidious man it came as a bit of a wake up call .....

 

[Dagne]

Maybe you have already thought of this, but if you could invest in some good quality, comfortable personal headphones, and an ipod with soothing background music, or even ‘relaxation’ types of sounds like the ocean, etc., it could give you a break from the relentless monologue which intrudes on your own brain space. If you have it turned down low enough, you would still be able to hear anything loud enough to be an emergency, and this would keep it from being intrusive in its own right - but it would help you to tune out the sounds you find irritating. If you decide to do this, I would suggest headphones that don’t block out other sounds - you still want to be able to hear some background noise.

I know what you mean about being sensitive to sound. I can’t tolerate loud sounds or conversations about anything stressful after about 8 pm.

 

[LindaPP]

Because

Because you have stronger emotional ties than other people
because you want her back the way she was
because her weaknesses remind you of your own
because you wonder if all of this is inherited and you have a similar future in store

Or at least that is why I found my mother more annoying than other people did. Recognising what was happening helped me a lot.

I like the suggestion of filling your head with other sounds - it may help you to cope with your mother at other times.

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Between Mum & me I reckon it's down to 50-odd years of "fine tuned exposure".

I observe the "blank" expression which indicates dispproval, the scratching of the neck which suggests "I don't understand this but I'm not letting on". The smile which indicates a wicked thought (often something very amusing), the flared nostrils which alert me that an outburst is about to happen.

I see all of these signals. Others are totally oblivious.
It's probably true that I do look for them far too often and consequently put myself into a stressful state when I shouldn't. I suspect much the same is true for many others out there who are carers.

 

[ceroc46]

bmw77,

Thank God it's not just me!! Mum always seems to "get on my nerves". She has got to the stage where she is constantly saying the same non-sensical words over and over and over again. She won't even stop to listen to what I'm trying to say to her. I feel like screaming, and am on the edge of tears when trying to get her ready for bed each evening.

I thought I was the only person who felt like this, so felt guilty that everyone else manages to care without having these feelings.

We seem to be having more toilet accidents in the last week or so, with her refusing to go at the day centre today and wetting herself. So then of course we had the challenge of getting her changed when she came in. She's in the kitchen now, making those noises and I feel running away.

But for me, I would say sound and smell are important for me. I love music and dancing (hence my screen name!) and even the tiniest bit of a smell can take me back years.........!!

 

[Cfduti]

my mum who has dementia is constantly talking or argueing with herself . i find this so frustrating and irritating . i cant think clearly myself . my own thoughts are over powered by this constant talking and argueing in the back ground .
now my daughter who is 23 , is not bothered at all by my mums constant talking and self argueing . my daughter does not have perfect hearing < lucky for her >

Anyway i was thinking people have different senses , which they prioritise over .
sense /smell /sound /visual / taste ..

for me sound must be the most important one . as from my screen name BMW777 . i love bmw cars and the sound the engine makes , is just ..ummmmmm ..
my partner does not understand the sound of 6 cylinder BMW engine is like music to my ears , to her it is just noisey
she is a more visual person , and everything has to be spick and span . the home has to be perfect , like a show home !!

just wondered how other carers cope ,and how some people cope much easier than others and whether it is natural ability , or maybe out of the FIVE different senses , they do affect the way they behave ?

Two instances come to mind.
I was working (hard physical) in the tropics before during and after the leadup to the monsoon. I had to live with it. There was no escape and I had to do the work. One day I found myself at a breaking point with sweat flooding my eyes while on a ladder with tools in my hands. For me there was only one thing left to do. I 'melted' into it. Suddenly it was all just annoyances to deal with. I stopped generating heat from frustration and the rest of the work became enjoyable and I began to notice how wound up some people were.
Sound comes in different forms. There's white and pink noise for example. Chaos can be ameliorated through the use of white noise.(a humming bw sounds like a high decibel dose of mostly white noise) Pink noise can help with constant back ground hums for example.
As the intensity of the impact of the noise lessens one may be more ready to accept it. So, it seems really about a universally beneficial self growth thing with some practical techniques thrown in to make it easier. Music's a good one. I might try some classical tho I tend towards Kraftwerk and Pink Floyd et.c..

 

[garnuft]

Very wise words cfduti.

I have had 26 years of nonsense chatter from my son with severe learning difficulties.

It isn't that I'm immune (Mam drives my middle sister to despair) it is simply that I have gone through all the agonies and realised I can't change it, I had to change my reaction.
I tried a few distraction techniques (I hoovered a lot, loud music, my OH would love Kraftwerk and Pink Flloyd, I'm more a Motown and Billie Holiday person) but the bottom line was, I HAD to stop letting it get to me.

It's not tolerance, it's just a worn step, it's been walked on so often it is foot-shaped.

With my son, when I'm worn down and shiny, I do occasionally say 'For goodness sake, Shut up!'

I would never dare with my Mam.

But Mam can read body language and boy can't, so she rarely pushes past endurance point and when she does, I go into the garden for a fag.

It's hard work isn't it?

Just as well we get paid a fortune for doing it.

 

[Big Effort]

Hi again BMW,

I speak for myself here, based on own observations. I have dealt really well with Mum and her dementia for the past four years, I think we have both had pretty optimum outcomes and dementia was just ONE element of our daily lives.

Now the dementia has the potential to drive me nuts too. One reason is Mum's rapid and ongoing descent..... so now dementia isn't ONE element of our lives, it sets the tone of every action any of us take. So it has much more potential to cause distress.

Second I observe a dichotomy between my ability to accept dementia on an intellectual level (which I presume I was doing the past four years), so observing, and putting strategies in place that worked to minimise its effect on Mum. And my current inability to accept dementia on an emotional level. I find that clear evidence of dementia gets an emotional rise out of me now, and even though I know this, I find it incredibly difficult just to let things pass me by: they affect me.

Mum is having continence issues which don't affect me nearly as much as the disappearance of the person. Poo can be cleaned up, but lost intellect cannot be replaced. This morning Mum couldn't 'find the kitchen' in her house..... ouch!

Just my thoughts. Did you know I worked at BMW when I lived in Munich? Spent many an hour up in the heights of the four cylinders (Munich headquarters), but sadly I have to side with your wife on this little matter! By the way, I used earplugs and music to block out Mum when I was having that nightmare session in her garden. She never let up for one minute, and rather than getting angry or upset, I just plugged in daughter's music. That worked just fine for both Mum and I! Vroom, vrooooom, BE