Why do family never listen or help ?

[nae sporran]

I so sorry but it sounds as if the daughter is in denial, relationships are complicated.

would it be possible to meet up with the daughter & give her one on one time with her mother - a reality check of the situation!
Also it would give you a chance to have a couple of hours break. X

She goes from panicking about her mum's health to denial and back again. There was even a lunch time conversation towards the end of last year when she was animated about her mum's treatment in hospital 15 years ago and suddenly started talking about something totally different in mid sentence. She did come round when I was away for a couple of days last summer, but then she phoned me to complain I had sent a couple of jumpers to the charity shop I already said were not needed and we had no space for. She does not seem to realise her mum stays in the house 5 days a week and while C likes new jumpers she can't wear them all and once and we live in a small flat with nowhere to store the ones she never has a chance to wear.
There was also a wet windy day a few years ago when she shouted at me for dropping an umbrella in the middle of pizza express while trying to get C into a seat while she sat and did nothing. The umbrella was hung up by me when I got a chance and the place was empty. I had thought she was becoming more supportive, but the incident with the chair yesterday just made me think she is so full of her own thoughts she is not interested in helping out.
Sorry I went off on a bit of a rant again, it's just been years of up and down domineering behaviour which I finally got fed up taking from my brother and my mother years ago.

 

[nae sporran]

You have my sympathies @nae sporran, everyone who has replied has said it and many of us have experienced it but don't we just go on wishing that things might be different and that the family might understand, might offer to help, might even just say thank you!!
In my case I just have to let it go - my partner has 4 children, one nice one (who'll often say 'I don't know how you do it' but is not in a position to be of any help) and 3 who are just either outright nasty or obstructive or simply have no clue. We only see them about once a year now so I get stressed then but forget them the rest of the time, very sad for my partner though. It does get you down though, just keep telling yourself you are doing your very best and no one else has a right to criticize. Glad you have a good friend you can confide in.

Thanks for your support White Rose. Very sad for your partner to only see his children once a year and for it to be so stressful. I hope you have a friend you can chat to as well as the good virtual friends here.

 

[Grannie G]

I feel so cross for you @nae sporran.

It`s enough you have full responsibility for caring for a partner with dementia without needing to defend your actions to her dominant daughter.

Would your partner miss the company of her daughter if you cut down on visits and meetings? If not it might be an idea to tell the daughter she is adding to your stress and you really do not deserve it. If she is unable to be less critical it might be best if she stayed away.

 

[nae sporran]

I feel so cross for you @nae sporran.

It`s enough you have full responsibility for caring for a partner with dementia without needing to defend your actions to her dominant daughter.

Would your partner miss the company of her daughter if you cut down on visits and meetings? If not it might be an idea to tell the daughter she is adding to your stress and you really do not deserve it. If she is unable to be less critical it might be best if she stayed away.

That is something I have thought about, Sylvia. C defends her daughter no matter how over bearing she is and often seems unaware of all that is happening. She also forgets her son easily as he rarely visits and it would be sad to see her forget her daughter as well.
Cutting down to fortnightly lunch meetings is something I am going to go for, just to reduce stress and let E know why. I'll just have to find a way to do it without causing more arguments.
Thanks for feeling cross on my behalf.

 

[Grannie G]

I know it might be considered cowardly @nae sporran but personally I wouldn`t care and C`s daughter doesn't deserve too much consideration.

If you are concerned about a face to face stand up argument send a text or email and justify using that manner of communication in order to protect her mother from unnecessary conflict.

 

[Tea and. toast]

Hello nae sporran. I catch up with yours and other threads from time to time. I am sorry you are feeling low at the moment and having to put up with C's overbearing daughter. I don't look after a partner but i look after my Dad. There must be one overbearing selfish person in everyone's family! One of my siblings is such a person whilst the other sibling is great. Her OH turned round and said I will never get to go away unless I organise respite. I couldn't go to see my best friend for a weekend break for my birthday They then had told me they were going to a last minute weekend away. She does the odd thing thing to help but is never proactive or visits Dad (though apparently I heard she visits when I am not there).. I wont go on. I was going to ask Palerider or TP how to deal with sibling as it gets to me, but i haven't yet.

I was told the other day by someone who has looked after PWD x 2 and had a similar sibling to think of them as a seagull. They come in flap their arms around, make a noise (don't do anything constructive) sometimes leave a dropping and then fly off.

I hope you continue to enjoy your walks, the lighter nights and admire the spring flowers. Dad has just started Daycare on my day off so I managed to go for a walk at the coast this week, have a toasted sarnie and coffee and an hour at home to just sit sort myself out. Bliss.

 

[nae sporran]

Your seagull analogy made me smile @Tea and. toast. What a shame you didn't get a trip away for your birthday. I hope your dad is enjoying his day care and you have many more relaxing walks particularly once the spring and summer warms up.

 

[LizzieM]

Thank you @Shedrech and @Grannie G.
Powerfully written and comes over as born from hard experience @Hazara8, best wishes and strength to you.

May I echo your admiration of @Hazara8 words - perfectly put. @Bunpoots - maybe we’re related as it was reported to me that my SIL has also posted something very similar; as you say lip service and clueless, in fact worse than that as same person then castigated me for my behaviour towards my OH as she perceived it. As for her husband, my BIL, his pile of bile was unbelievable. Needless to say, for my own protection and sanity I have not responded to his insinuations, accusations, character assassination and threats. Definite seagulls the pair of them.

 

[northumbrian_k]

It is all sadly familiar. If they think about the carer at all, family members never seem to see that it is often their attitude and behaviour that causes most stress. Over 2 years on from parting company with my wife's son and his family - on rather bad terms - I haven't missed the niggling remarks and outright criticism that I used to get from 300 miles away and on their rare visits. I feel much better for it. My wife is beyond noticing now and, although he can do so at any time, her seagull rarely visits. I hope that you can get a solution that stops short of estrangement @naesporran but it will need a bit more 'give' on her behalf.

 

[Tea and. toast]

Hello nae sporran. I am glad the seagulls analogy made you smile. It is hard sometimes to not let things get to you. I managed a day off for my birthday to meet my friend half way as we live at opposite ends of country. As my good sibling took a day off work, The seagull sat with Dad the night before so I could go out with my friends for a meal so like I mentioned does odd things. I did say the good sibling had been round a lot so what could she offer to do. It feels a bit bad calling sibling a seagull but helps to put things into perspective. She won't change.so I will have to change the way I deal with things. Easier said than done.

Dad has a trial at Daycare.I have to take him as he wouldn't get on the bus and now pick him up. As when they tried bringing Dad home on the bus he wouldn't get off the bus. I am glad he has some new company. I asked if Dad takes part in the activities but the staff said Dad doesn't say much.but they like having him there.

I used to do a lot of walking but it has gone to pot in the last year which isn't great fort my health. So I hope to make up for it a little when Dad goes to Daycare.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I'm just catching up with you. Sorry that you are so down. I do so understand critical family members. In my case, it was my dreaded aunt who told all and sundry at the nursing home that I never visited and I didn't understand my mother's disease. She was dreaded by all at the home, as she reported the staff on a regular basis. She also would call the Ministry of Health regularly to the point that they refused to take her phone calls and said she had to write.

In fact, I once called the Ministry to find out what I could do to have my aunt banned from the nursing home (so many things she said and did). I gave my name, my mother's name, the nursing home's name, to which the woman responded "yes, yes, yes" in a calm voice. I then said "My aunt's name is "Dreaded Aunt" and the response was "OH!!!" i think if you become known to a government department by name, it's not good.

Sorry to ramble on. I do agree that you should cut the lunches down. I wouldn't even bother to explain, just vaguely say you're not feeling well or C isn't - some sort of bland excuse.

 

[nae sporran]

I'm just catching up with you. Sorry that you are so down. I do so understand critical family members. In my case, it was my dreaded aunt who told all and sundry at the nursing home that I never visited and I didn't understand my mother's disease. She was dreaded by all at the home, as she reported the staff on a regular basis. She also would call the Ministry of Health regularly to the point that they refused to take her phone calls and said she had to write.

In fact, I once called the Ministry to find out what I could do to have my aunt banned from the nursing home (so many things she said and did). I gave my name, my mother's name, the nursing home's name, to which the woman responded "yes, yes, yes" in a calm voice. I then said "My aunt's name is "Dreaded Aunt" and the response was "OH!!!" i think if you become known to a government department by name, it's not good.

Sorry to ramble on. I do agree that you should cut the lunches down. I wouldn't even bother to explain, just vaguely say you're not feeling well or C isn't - some sort of bland excuse.

Are you sure your dreaded aunt is not the same person as C's daughter, Joanne. How awful for the care home and the rest of your family.

 

[jugglingmum]

I do agree that you should cut the lunches down. I wouldn't even bother to explain, just vaguely say you're not feeling well or C isn't - some sort of bland excuse.

I agree on this one, the best way for least conflict.

It is a balancing act, you want C to know and remember her daughter but the trouble said daughter brings with her needs to be minimised.

 

[nae sporran]

Thanks @jugglingmum.

 

[Pipeth]

I do not have the problem of to many visits from my husbands family, we get birthday and Christmas visits and a summer visit, 4 hours each visit and taken out for a meal. I am grateful that they manage that, they do live at a distance, but they never ring to enquire how he is doing and when I ring to update them of changes they never query or offer any input.. They always leave happy after visits at how he is much better than they thought he would be, but as you all know they don’t see the aftermath of their visit. Last time he said “What a lovely couple, where do they come from”, (his son and daughter) for hours on end “Who was that man driving today”, until he fell asleep exhausted. Anyway, I have found acceptance of dementias damages to be the answer, I do my best day to day, they are doing what makes them happy and able to cope, I don’t doubt they love their father, but he is not the man he was and to him they are not the children he remembers. So heartbreaking.

 

[nae sporran]

I feel for you @Pipeth, my partner has said something similar about her son who she sees infrequently and it is so heartbreaking for you to hear.