Why did Mum go downhill so fast after being sectioned? I'm feeling terrible guilt.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    I often write on here and at the moment I am feeling terrible grief and also guilt. What I feel so upset about at the moment is that the day my Mum was sectioned into hospital, she was supposed to be coming and staying with me for the night and she was so excited. I cannot stop thinking about this and feeling so sad and guilt-ridden as I knew the services were coming out to see her that day (although I didn't know it would result in her being sectioned). However since she was hospitalised and been in a care home ever since, she seems to be so much more advanced. Do you think I was denying the stage she was at to myself (as I coped alone for many many years) or do you think the process of going into hospital and thereafter the care home has speeded up the disease? I am going round in circles and feel that I should have done more, or taken her home after the sectioning/assessment and kept her at home with carers. Grief is a horrible phenomenon and mine is doubled I think because my father died just as Mum was diagnosed three years ago and I haven't been able to grieve, I don't know how I've functioned to be truthful, I've just kept going somehow with my daughter and university my degree and all other things. My dad and mum weren't together but it's all just hitting me I think. Can that happen too? I feel a bit weak after all the strong years.
     
  2. 100 miles

    100 miles Registered User

    Apr 16, 2015
    109
    Sarah,

    I am sorry you are feeling so low. I am not surprised you are exhausted. Losing your father, looking after you mum, your daughter and doing a degree. Three years is a long time to keep running round in ever decreasing circles.

    But forget the guilt. You Mum is ill. That is why she was sectioned. No-one sections people without reason...with all the pressure on resources you can be certain it was not a hasty decision. She probably was worse than you realised. It is difficult to see progress of the disease when you are so close to it.

    Step back, accept you are tired and just keep moving forwards. Slowly maybe, but keep going. Your mum is being cared for. There is a future for you.

    Best of luck.
     
  3. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you so much, I keep crying but I know it's a process I have to go through. I value your support and input, thank you.
     
  4. 100 miles

    100 miles Registered User

    Apr 16, 2015
    109
    I think I am about to ask the dumbest question ever. But here goes...

    Do you have any free time? (Hollow groan from everybody reading this). But 20 minutes walking outside at lunchtime is good for the body and the soul.

    Feel free to ignore me....as you can see from my name, I am not at the sharp end of this war. If you can't stop crying ...even when you try really hard...talk to your gp.
     
  5. In a Whirl

    In a Whirl Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015
    62
    Sarah,
    If its any consolation I expect most of us play the "what if" game . I know I do. I'm sure you have done your best & that is all anyone can do .

    Hugs.
     
  6. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Sarah,

    100 Miles and In a whirl are both so right.

    They cannot section without a good reason to do so, my mom was section 2 for 28 days over Xmas and New Year, a terrible time for my mom and us as a family. My mom had only been in care 24hrs at this point and tried to smash the windows thinking she was in prison. At the psychiatric hospital they removed her from all medication and the change in her was remarkable, so try and look on it as a positive if you can. My mom's dementia has since progressed to a much higher level and the lower category home she was in could not handle her and she was on so many meds. She is now in nursing dementia and refusing meds and she is the same off them as she was on them.

    Every day I ask myself the very same question, what if this, and what if that, but I know I am in denial as to her now level of the disease. I know if we would have had her home and had carers in she would still have got to this level now, which is why we could not cope and made the decisions we did.

    Please do not beat yourself up over something out of your control, this is something we have had to learn to do.

    Take care x
     
  7. Raggedrobin

    Raggedrobin Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,432
    Hi, it is impossible to say whether it was being hospitalized or the point she had got to that caused a decline, but I agree with the poster that no one gets sectioned without good reason. It may well be that her responses to the wider world were not being tested while she was still with you, so you didn't get to witness just how bad she had become?

    But whatever, the important thing is to start being kind to yourself. We carers are so good at beating ourselves up about this or that, wondering if we could have done more. Thing is, sounds like you did a huge amount and now finally are exhausted by it all. It's what being conscientious does. But please, give yourself credit, you kept her as long as you could and you need to give yourself a break from being on the endless guilt spin cycle. Be kind to yourself, start allowing yourself to do stuff for you and try to let some of those feelings of inadequacy go. None of us has a degree in Dementia care, sadly, we all have to make it up as we go along, we all make mistakes but all we have done, all you have done, is the best you can for your mum.
     
  8. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Yes you're right I need to get more exercise. I have also thought about the GP too 100 miles and I think I'll do both. I have to sort my Mum's house out over the next few weeks and that is making me feel somewhat daunted and more overwhelmed at the moment I think. I am a determined person though. Thank you again.
     
  9. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you, I just feel so sad that the day she got sectioned she was supposed to come to my house to stay and she was so very excited, I can't get that out of my head, or that I had to pack her bag and take her to the hospital where she begged and pleaded with me not to leave her there. It has scarred me. Sorry to offload and you are right, we have to make it up as we go along and I just wish healthcare services had made things better for both my Mum and me - and all of us on this forum. Thank you again.
     
  10. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    321
    Oh Sarah, I do feel for you. Probably your mum's illness was more advanced than you realised. I don't know, but I'd be surprised if being sectioned and then going into a home would have made her worse. I'd have thought that somebody would be more likely to mentally decline if they had an awareness of their situation in the first place. When my mum was sectioned I felt guilt because she'd gone into hospital voluntarily. I was so upset by the things she was saying I wanted to take her with me there and then. The next thing I knew she was sectioned. Apparently, although she was there voluntarily, they were not going to allow my mum to leave the hospital because they didn't feel that she would be safe. The end result has been her going to a care home.

    I'd have thought the reason you're feeling weak now is because you've had to be strong for so long. Perhaps your mind's telling you to let yourself go a bit, and put some care into yourself. After the shock of the early months I accepted that the care home was the place my mum needed to be. Coming to terms with this was what I needed to move into this new phase in life. There's nothing you could have done or not done that would change the course of your mum's illness, and you need to be kind to yourself because you were able to help her before this.
     
  11. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Than you the unknown, it does help to know there's nothing I could have done to change the course of the illness, especially from someone like you who's been there. I do hope your Mum is ok in her care home and you are ok. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with it, but because I've got to sort her house out over the next few weeks and also that she's just become incontinent at night I am going through a transition into the next phase. I wonder if the grief will carry on like this through each stage of the disease and need to prepare myself. I think you're right, I've been strong for so long and that is why I'm feeling weaker now, I sometimes feel I'm just completely and utterly tired, so enormously tired. Anyway I won't rant on, thank you again, it helps so much being on here and I do hope you are doing ok too. x
     
  12. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Dear Sarah
    You have been through so much, and have coped magnificently. You are bound to feel utterly bone-weary, and mentally and emotionally drained.
    My mum went into a care home from hospital two weeks ago today. She wasn't sectioned, but she was deemed not to have capacity, so from her point of view, she was moved against her will. It has I think been the longest two weeks of my life, seeing her in her new surroundings.
    I too have struggled to accept that there was nothing I could do, it's the illness that has done this to mum. Lady A put it so well on another thread.....I, like others, have been striving to hold the dementia train back, to slow it down, to keep mum's connection to me and the world.....but there comes a point when you can't hold the train back, no-one could.
    Like you, I wished healthcare could have helped us plan this move better ...but it didn't, it just waited for a crisis and then acted. Room for improvement there, but again, there was nothing we could do....

    You have helped your mum, supported her, now is the time to give yourself what she would if she could.....some tender, loving care.

    Sending you all the best

    Lindy xx
     
  13. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you so much for your email Lindy, when you are going through this dreadful time too and have taken time to write, I am sending you a big hug. It is so exhausting and such sadness I have never known. The analogy of the train is very good and I'm going to use that too. I am going to be kind to myself like you say, I don't think I've had any time for myself for so long properly. I wish things could be different as I love my Mum but I was just so confused with everything for so long. I do hope you are coping ok, I hope your Mum is settling and you too are getting some support and rest. x
     
  14. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Of course you're tired and overwhelmed and weary and just plain exhausted. You've had so much to deal with the past few years. I think it's very possible it is just now all catching up with you.

    I hope you will keep us posted on how things are, and how you are. I will be thinking of you!
     
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,976
    Toronto, Canada
    Sarah, I think it's not so much that your mother has declined so rapidly than it is being cruelly shown her inability to learn new things. It is very commonly said that people decline when they go into care but rather it is once taken out of somewhere they have lived for many years, they are completely confused and cannot learn where their room is, and so on.

    Others here have mentioned how Mum/Dad became so confused when moved from their home to their child's home. Another fact often mentioned is how the person will talk about 'going home' when they are in the house they have resided in for the last 35 years.

    So your mother's deficienies has simply become more obvious to you, I think, rather than a major decline. I hope for both your sakes' that she settles in soon.
     
  16. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you Joanne, it makes sense when I see it like this. My emotions are so worn out I cannot see clearly sometimes. x
     
  17. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Yes thank you Amy I will keep on writing on here, I need to, to feel 'normal'! I wonder if it is possible to just be so weary with all the years of it, maybe they do catch up with us in the end, possibly when the pressure's off and we can reflect and process..... one day at a time I s'pose. I do hope you are doing ok too. xx
     

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